Are you hesitant about dating again because you’re afraid you’ll fall in love with someone who won’t commit? I understand how painful it is to date someone who is emotionally unavailable—a person who continuously creates barriers to avoid true intimacy and therefore commitment. But the reason why you find yourself in this situation is because you’ve been hoping, wishing and expecting that man to become emotionally ready for a commitment when you likely knew from the jump he wasn’t. There are many clues to pinpoint men who will be happy to date you for years but will run when it’s time to commit. Fortunately for you, many of these clues usually appear at the earliest stages of relationships, so you don’t have to waste your time with these non-committal men. Here are four signs to identify if a man is emotionally unavailable for commitment. Let’s begin with the early stages of a relationship. 1. He gives mixed signals One day he likes you. The next day he seems to ignore you. You never know when he’s going to call, and you end up feeling confused by it all. You can only assume his intentions because he never really states them. He loves to live in the gray areas of relationships. For example, he’ll spend time with you, but won’t want to label things. Or, maybe he’ll drop hints about “when we get married,” but later acts like you don’t have a future together. When a man can be open and vulnerable with you one moment and then distant the next, it can be intriguing and a turn-on. But be...
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R&B superstar Ciara ignited a Twitter firestorm when she retweeted a meme featuring a clip of Pastor John Gray’s 2016 message to single women about why marriage is elusive for them. In this message, he insinuated that if a man hasn’t put a ring on it yet, it’s because you’re walking in the “spirit of girlfriend,” instead of acting like a wife. He said: “Here’s what the scripture says. He that finds a wife finds a good thing. It didn’t say he that finds a woman that he’s attracted to, that he then begins to date, who he then calls a girlfriend, who he then buys a ring, proposes, and makes her his fiancé, who he then marries later, who becomes his wife. You’re not a wife when I marry you, you’re a wife when I find you. You become my wife when I marry you. But a wife is not the presence of a ring, it’s the presence of your character. Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit, and carry yourself like you are already taken. And I promise you when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.” Ciara’s retweet of this message, along with the hashtag, #LevelUp, made many sisters feel she had forgotten her own messy relationship struggles with Future and was pointing to her public (and celibate) courtship and marriage to NFL star Russell Wilson as a sign she was on another level of worthiness as a woman. And while Ciara clarified her post, saying #LevelUp was about learning to love herself, sisters weren’t buying it because they’ve been...
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Dr. Aesha, I met this guy. He’s nice, but during our dates he keeps talking about work and sometimes I get bored. I feel he is nice but just doesn’t know how to date. In fact, on our second date, he told me he wasn’t comfortable with dating. Do you have tips to help? Should I just move on? Monica Monica, Let me help you distinguish between a bad date and an awkward date, so you can decide if you want to give him another chance. True story. A sister went on a first date with a guy she met online at a coffee shop. He greeted her by saying “hey,” barely looked up from his laptop, and spent the entire date showing her pictures of his house! He never even offered to buy her coffee. This is a textbook “bad date” and if this sister is smart, she won’t give this guy the time of day! But what about an awkward first date? You know, when there are long, awkward silences in a conversation, or the conversation is boring because he keeps talking about work ? Or what about the nervous tension you feel when he gushes over how amazing you are, and he can’t believe you actually said YES to a date with him? Should you give him another chance or do you just bounce to the next guy? If you’re anything like my clients, you might be quick to say NEXT and go back to swiping on SoulSwipe. But what if I told you that some folks stay in relationships past the expiration date, but too many sistas move on TOO FAST!...
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Is the idea of fornication killing the dating scene for Black women? WARNING. This post will trigger you. In fact, I’m not sure if you’re ready to even read it. Not because you’re not a grown woman, but because what I’m about to share with you will step on toes. And not just your toes, but the toes of your Big Momma, current Bishop, father and almost the entire culture of Black folk traditions. In short, the legacy of your belief is going to be challenged. But if you take a deep breath, and remember that your beliefs about sex, sensuality, desire and relationships have been borrowed from folks who loved you, wanted to protect you, but who were also living in an 1942 era where many women married at the age of 15, you’ll be happy I’m bringing this conversation into 2018. I’m going to assume that since you’re still here, you want to be, and you’re giving me permission to call you into a greater, more liberating sense of your sexuality. Living by the idea that sex outside of marriage is shameful has created myths that have become roadblocks for singles who want to be married. Women don’t feel comfortable flirting with a man they like because they don’t want him to think she’s desperate or a thirst trap. Men run away when a sista blurts out “I’m CELIBATE!!” during a first date, because they assume you’re sexually inexperienced (when the reality may be you’re celibate because you’re learning to make better choices in romantic partners). And when a sista does decide she wants to enjoy casual sex, she...
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“I don’t need a man. I’m fine with or without one!” If I had a dollar for each time I’ve heard a single sister say this, I’d have another stream of income! I get that we’ve been taught by our mamas, grandmamas and sometimes the men in our lives, that we don’t need a man. They were trying to ensure our survival so that if we ended up abandoned, abused or mistreated, we could still make it in this world. I get it. But here’s the thing: We can’t allow our pain to define us. You may have been hurt by a man, but don’t let the past affect your future happiness. When you don’t need a man, it shows. So if you want a relationship, you’re going to have to have a “come to Jesus” moment and flip the script. Here are 3 reasons why you need a man in your life: Reason #1: You need to know how to receive As Black women, we are excellent at giving. And we know how to get what we need on our own. But how many of us can freely receive help, love, and support from someone without feeling guilty or like we’re a burden to someone else? This is the limitation of the Strong Black Woman Syndrome. Reason #2: Allowing yourself to need a man honors your humanity. It acknowledges that you need to be loved, accepted and significant. And it says that you recognize just how valuable you are when you can receive what someone else is giving to you. Reasons #3: You need to be loved. Dr. John Gray said...
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I get it: You’re suffering from PTLD (Post Traumatic Love Disorder). You opened your heart. You loved hard. You went all in. And then it happened: You were Ghosted. Abandoned. Rejected. Hurt. Disrespected. Heartbroken. You’re “over it” now, y ou’ve forgiven the other person and you’re moving on. But deep inside, you’re still struggling to drop your guards when you meet someone new. You pull away when he gets too close. You have trust issues. You feel like it’s too good to be true. You feel pressured when he comes on strong. You want to RUN! You’re afraid to be open and vulnerable because you don’t want to get hurt again. What you don’t understand is that to survive your breakup without having a breakdown, you made a secret vow that you’d never love again. And that secret vow became a hidden commitment to stay single. A hidden commitment is the internal tug of war that happens when your head says “I want love” and your heart says, “love leads to disappointment. I’ll pass!” It causes you to send mixed signals about what you really want. And you’ll sabotage any real opportunities to let love get close to the doorways of your heart ever again. But today is a new day.I want to tell you it is possible to love like you’ve never been hurt because you’re a different woman. Wiser. Stronger. Better. So how can you learn to be vulnerable in a relationship after you’ve been hurt? First, you must understand that vulnerability is not weakness. Instead, as Brené Brown describes it, vulnerability means “the courage to show up and be...
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I am so grateful to see a strong Black woman lead in a made-for-Netflix movie. Sanaa Lathan was stunning in the recently released flick, Nappily Ever After, a movie about self-love and self-discovery wrapped up in Black women’s complicated relationship with our hair. But as the premier relationship coach for smart, successful sistas, I was disturbed by another movie which doesn’t show powerful Black women winning at love. SPOILER ALERTS ahead–skip this part if you haven’t watched the movie yet. Violet Jones (Sanaa Lathan) is the perfect woman. She has a high-powered career. She owns a beautiful home. Her wardrobe is fierce. And her boyfriend is a successful doctor, but he hasn’t put a ring on it yet. If this storyline feels familiar it’s because we’ve seen it in Olivia Pope, Being Mary Jane, Insecure and other shows featuring successful sistas. Violet soon realizes putting all her energy into become the RIGHT kind of professional Black woman doesn’t lead to the outcomes her Mama told her would be hers if her life was a perfect as her hair. Her pursuit of perfection ends after a heartbreaking breakup with her boyfriend. She ends their 2 year relationship after he doesn’t propose to her on her birthday. He called her the “perfect” woman, but it turns out that her mother’s teachings were wrong. Men don’t want a perfect woman. They want a REAL woman. Violet is thrown into an identity crisis. She must not have ever listened to India Aire’s song, “I Am Not My Hair,” because we see her trying on different identities by changing up her hair. A bad relaxer turns...
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![Are You Single Because You’re WAITING Your Life Away? [VIDEO SUCCESS STORY]](http://aeshaonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/wannabemynextsuccessstory-800x675.jpg)
(This post is different than what you’re probably used to, so please read it to the end) I just read a post by a so-called (male) relationship expert telling women that it was better to stay single than to use online dating, meet the wrong man, and end up in the wrong relationship. He offered no solutions or alternatives. He just regurgitated the same stale, manipulative advice successful, single women have been hearing since Methuselah was a baby: Wait. Wait for the Lord to send you a man (cuz you’ve got to prove your worthy enough first) Wait for him to approach you (cuz giving eye-contact or flirting makes you thirsty or desperate) Wait for him to bring up “The Talk” (cuz telling him what you want in a relationship makes you pushy) Wait 90 days before you sleep with him (cuz women can’t be trusted to have grown folks conversations about their sexuality and their boundaries) This is dangerous advice because you end up waiting your life away until you WAKE UP one morning to discover you’re still single (and you don’t want to be). My client Karolyn spent most of her 30’s waiting…and nobody ever came. She made the DECISION to attend my Be Found Retreat last year and is now in the best relationship of her life. I could tell you her story. But she wanted to share it in her own words. CLICK to listen: Too much is at stake for you to keep saying “next time.” Your joy. Your peace. Your bliss. Your fulfillment. Your passion. Your MAN. Karolyn understood that and her relationship status change because she decided that staying single was unacceptable to her. Then she backed up that...
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