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Ask Dr. Aesha: Is It Wrong For Me To Date More Than One Man At Once?

By: Dr. Aesha

Hi Aesha. I have a 3 point question: I know the answers but I want your professional feedback and your readers' opinions.

I have only been back on the dating scene since the summer. I was single 2 years before that, after being in a 18 month relationship. I don't date several times a week or even every week, but I will go out to various venues and have fun doing a variety of activities once in a while if a man asks me out. (A handful of times a month let's say.) I am looking to find someone to be serious and committed with, but as of yet it has been a date here, two dates there.

I have a few men who wanna go out, but after telling them I have gone out with someone else or that I already have a date scheduled on a day they wanna schedule a date they get upset and tell me they are no longer interested. They say they don't wanna "compete" or go out if I'm gonna go out with other men. Is it wrong for me to 1) let men know I go out on dates with other men? 2) to continue dating until I meet a man I feel I want to be exclusive with and 3) to want a man to "compete" for me?



Amber, this is a great question because it reveals the double standard in dating. What I mean is, men are permitted–almost expected–to date more than one woman at a time. However, when a guy finds out you're seeing more than one man at a time, he's jealous. The men who are upset with you also may have ulterior motives. They might want to just sleep with you and don't want anyone else to have a chance before they do. 

It's hypocritical, isn't it?  

I actually support women who date more than one man at a time. Why? Because if you're serious about finding Mr. Right and getting married, it takes around 1-2 years for the average person to do that. Let's say you meet Man #1 and date him for 6 months only to discover he was cheating on you. It takes you another 3 months to heal from the betrayal and get back on the dating scene. It takes you 3 more months to find a man you like. You date 6 months before becoming exclusive, but 6 months later, you break up. There's nothing wrong with him, but your'e just not a good match. 

You've spent 2 years with 2 different guys!  Now you're back at square one.

Remember, 99 out of 100 men are going to be the wrong one, so the faster you discover they're not The One, the sooner you can find him! 

By dating more than one person at a time, you can speed up the process. I'm not talking about committing to more than one person at a time; I'm saying you should date casually–enjoying activities, getting to know a man, accepting invitations–with more than one person at time so you don't waste time. 

Some people call it dating like a man. I say it's dating smart!

What you're experiencing is backlash from the fellas because there's a double-standard against women who use this strategy. So here are some solutions for you to handle that: 

1) Only let men know you're seeing other people if they ask you. I don't mean if they ask if you're available for a date; I mean if they ask you if you're seeing anyone else. Why? Because it's none of their business. But really, it's because your goal isn't to make someone feel rejected or like you're playing around with them. You're just trying to figure out if a man is a good fit for you. 

2) It's not wrong to keep dating until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. When you do find him, be sure to let the others know so you're not wasting their time. 

3) Yes, it's wrong of you to want to make men compete for you. Here's why: The only way you can get a man to want to compete for you is if he's jealous. Men don't like rejection, so a guy might not try to win you early on in the dating process if he knows there are lots of other suitors, especially ones he's never seen before! He can't size up the competition, so he'll just cut his losses and move on. 

Instead of trying to get men to compete for you by telling them you're seeing other people, let them pursue you. This way, you can discover their true intentions. A man is purusing you if he's consistently calling you, asking you out, planning dates, and treating you like a girlfriend. If he's not doing that, chances are HE'S seeing someone else! 

That's my advice for Amber. What do you think she should do? Tell me below!


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Top 5 Reasons You Need A Matchmaker and Dating Coach

By: Dr. Aesha

When people hear what I do for a living, I get a variety of responses. 

Some people are curious.

Others get defensive and think I'm trying to say something is wrong with them. They assume that when I hand them a business card, I'm telling them they can't get a partner on their own! 

Some people tell me about their hard-to-match friends who are missing a tooth (real story) or who are bitter after a divorce.

Still others assume I'm an online dating service or, worse yet, an escort service!

So I think it's time to set the record straight. I want to clear up the confusion about what I actually do as a matchmaker, dating coach and relationship consultant and explain the top 5 reasons why you need one. 

Question: Have you ever heard of a headhunter? Their job is to find the right person for the right job. They search for the top talent in the world and then connect them to amazing job opportunities. They're matchmakers for companies who need the best of the best!

Well matchmaking is like headhunting for the heart! I search for high-quality men and women and connect them to each otherIn other words, I find the right person who is right for you! 

I know many folks in the Black community have never heard of a matchmaker until they saw Patti Stringer on Millionaire Matchmaker. We're so used to meeting people at the gym or grocery store and we're still a little suspicious of online dating.

"I'll just wait til the right person comes along or God sends 'em." I can't tell you how many times I've heard this! 

But why is staying single the only option? Why not find someone who can do the work for you and help you get what you want faster? 

I believe part the reason why our community doesn't reach out for help in our relationships is the same reason why we don't reach out for help for other areas of our lives like mental health, finances, fitness and more. 

We've been taught to look for advice from 3 sources:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Clergy

 When we need advice for relationships, we turn to our family and friends who tell us to pray about it or figure it out on our own. 

But relationship advice is different from relationship coaching.  Getting advice when you need coaching is like putting a bandaid on a stab wound! Advice fixes the symptom. Coaching address the causes of the symptoms! 

So how do you know if you need a matchmaker and dating coach? Here are the top 5 reasons: 

1. You don't have a problem finding a date; you just can't find a mate

Maybe you've done online dating or you meet people the old-fashioned way, but none of these people are right for you. You're tired of disappointing dates because a person's profile doesn't match who they really are. 

You know the right person is out there, but you just can't figure out where! 

2. You can't seem to find someone who is serious about relationships

You're tired of a person telling you you're asking for too much when you want a commited relationship. You don't want to play games, and you don't want to waste anymore time dating someone who isn't going in the same direction you are. 

3. You want to find someone who shares your values and your faith

Being "equally yoked" is important to you. You refuse to compromise who you are and what you believe just to say you found a partner! 

4. You're too busy to date or you just don't like crowds

Maybe you're career keeps you busy or you're too high-profile to put your picture online on some dating site. The club scene isn't for you and you don't like crowds anyway. Matchmaking is a great alternative becuase it's discrete and private and focused entirely on you! 

5.  You're back on the dating scene after many years and boy, has it changed!

If you've been married for a long time and now, due to a divorce or death of a spouse, you find yourself having to date again, you might feel a little scared. Online dating makes you feel uncomfortable but all your friends are telling you to do it. There is another way! You don't have to do it alone. 

6. You're Feel Stuck In Your Current Relationship

Maybe you're dating a great person, but you know deep down in your gut that this relationship isn't the best for you. However, you feel torn because you love your partner, and on paper, you're a great match. You don't know if you should stay or you should go and the thought of making a decision scares you! 

Dating coaching would be a great fit for you because you already know where to find people to date. You're just not choosing the right person and you don't have the courage to let the wrong person go. 

Working with a matchmaker and a dating coach doesn't mean something is wrong with you. In fact, it's the exact opposite. Working with a matchmker means you know that the kind of person you want to meet, date and marry is a cut above what you've been experiencing on the dating scene. 

To find out more about my services and schedule a complimentary consultation with me, click here


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Does Looking For Love Make You Desperate?

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Does Looking For Love Make You Desperate?  By: Dr. Aesha Serena Williams' love life was the center of attention on the Wendy Williams show this week. During "Hot Topics," Wendy revealed that Serena stated that she is "desperate for a relationship" and wants to start a family. In short, Serena wants a man and she's […]

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Dating In Your 30s, 40s and 50s: Is There A Difference?

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Dating In Your 30s, 40s and 50s: Is There A Difference?  By: Dr. Aesha   My "Ask Dr. Aesha" inbox has been bursting with your questions. I received these 3 questions around the same time: Question 1:  I was wondering if you have any advice for the 30 + single, educated, God-fearing and no kids. […]

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Is It Possible to Have a Thriving Career and a Great Marriage? By: Anna Runyan Are you a career-driven, ambitious professional woman?  Me too. I always had big career dreams and goals. I knew that whenever I got married, I didn’t want to be a housewife.  If I ever got married, I would have to find […]

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