Have you ever been with a man for a while (let’s say 6 months) and he was clearly enjoying your company, but he never defined the relationship? You wanted to know– “where is this going?”– but you silenced your voice because you didn’t want to pressure him. You’re not sure how to have “the Talk,” but the question remains, you’re all in, is he? Or, maybe he told you in the beginning that he could see marriage and a family in his future, but when you did have “The Talk” with him about commitment, he seemed surprised because he thought you were fine with the way things are right now? This has you wondering because you’re all in but is he? What started out as a promising future ended up in heartache and confusion. Did you miss the signs? Was he lying to you about his intentions? Should you have just waited for him to bring it up? If you’ve ever been in this situation, and you’re wondering whether he’s all in, I need you to turn off that new Cardi B album and pay attention, because we need to have a conversation about the mistakes you’re making when you have “The Talk” with a man about commitment. The Talk Mistake #1: Waiting for one big talk to tell him your intentions The biggest mistake I’ve personally seen powerful, strong, successful sisters make is waiting for one special moment to bring up your desires for a monogamous relationship. This is a mistake because you can waste precious time and you give him all the power to define the relationship. You also put a...
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If you’re still single, childless, and over 40, the world can make you feel like something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s your physician pressuring you to freeze your eggs at every annual visit “just in case” you don’t meet the right man before your fertility expires. Perhaps you stumbled across gossip headlines like Media Takeout’s post which screamed “R&B Singer ASHANTI Is ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD …STILL NO MAN…And NO KIDS… What’s Wrong With Her????” Either way, it’s highly likely you’ve been battling feelings like doubt, shame, and fear, simply because you’re unmarried and childless. 👀 #MediaTakeOut is so rude 😆😩😅 #Ashanti is living her best life ever, no man or kid needed 💅🏽 A post shared by TeaTENDERS LLC (@teatenders_liv) on Mar 21, 2018 at 12:51pm PDT First things first. There’s nothing wrong with you. Period. Next, a woman’s fertility is a deeply personal and sensitive topic. It’s no one’s business why you have or haven’t had children, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As Damona Hoffman made plain in her response to Media Takeout’s attempt to shame single women who are childless, some Black women aren’t married because of a shrinking marriage market. Others made a personal decision to pursue their careers and thought love and marriage would just take care of itself. Sometimes, you’ve spent the best years of your life with a man who never put a ring on it, and now your window for having children is closing due to no fault of your own. As an expert who has worked with many women who feel real pressure to hurry up and get married...
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Did you catch me on episode 5 of Laurieann Gibson’s hot new reality TV show, Beyond the Spotlight? (If you didn’t, catch up on demand on Lifetime TV). Laurieann said, “I not only want to empower my female artists. I want to empower my friends in dating.” In short: she staged a GIRLFRIEND INTERVENTION, and called in an expert (me) to help her BFF Stella make powerful choices in relationships. You see Stella decided to take a vow of celibacy after her last relationship ended 18 months ago. She wanted to have crystal clear clarity on choosing a man who was marriage material based on the strength of their love and not just what they could do between the sheets. I love Laurieann’s heart, because we all know that some friends only tell you what they would do if they were in your situation. But your true “ride or live” besties will tell you who you need to become to change your situation. Then they take you to the people and places that have your answer! Laurieann took her friend to me because I have results in helping women who decided to date while celibate not only attract in men who were honorable and respected their sexual boundaries, they also wanted a relationship (and some put a ring on it!) #RealTalk. We all have that successful girlfriend that is rocking her career, has her credit score on point, is blazing trails in her community and is everybody’s favorite friend and auntie! She’s the first person you run to when you need advice. Yet no one, including her, can understand...
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I got this question in my Ask Dr. Aesha inbox (and girl, not even Iyanla could “fix” this!) “Hi Dr. Aesha, After struggling for some years with finding good men to date, I finally ended up finding TWO great men at almost the same time through online dating. Ive been dating them both for about 6 weeks but I’m starting to feel uncertainty about how to proceed. Although both of them are educated, kind, and emotionally and financially secure men, I feel like I have a much stronger connection to one of them (Let’s call him Adam). We just “click” a little better. The other (let’s call him Brian) is also a really nice guy and treats me well but the connection is not as “familiar” as it is with Adam. How does one navigate “choosing” to move forward with one over the other?—especially when it seems like they both want to move forward with you!? I would love to get some advice on this!” via GIPHY Dear sis– I’m happy to hear you followed my advice to open up and meet a variety of men. But now you have a bigger problem: You have two suitors who are amazing, kind, and equally interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you. You have off the charts chemistry with Adam, but you’re worried that means he’s familiar to you (and you’ve dated the wrong men in the past). Should you choose Brian, even though there’s not much of a spark yet? Having too many men to choose from is a good problem to have. It’s the natural result of...
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Can I ask you an uncomfortable question? Are you intimidated by Kim Kardashian? Do you feel she’s keeping you from meeting your husband? Wait…before you answer… I’m not talking about her culturally appropriated cornrows snatching a brother’s attention…and adding to your (mis)belief that successful Black men don’t want successful Black women. I’m talking about how she exposes your insecurities about not having the “perfect body” and how that’s affecting whether or not you feel desireable to men. Does this sound familiar? 😫 You’re waiting to lose those “last 20 lbs” before you put up full body pics on your dating profile & 7 years have passed! ✂️ You get offended when a man compliments your physical appearance first and you cut him off because he isn’t serious about getting to know you because “he only wants one thing.” 😭 You’re sad & angry that you’re still dating at 40 and your “saggy boobs” have to compete against the perky 20 and 30-somethings that men your age are choosing instead of you (or so you think). Real talk: You are trapped in a story that men are visual creatures and therefore only want you if you look like Kim K. You’re believing a lie. The truth is YOUR man wants all of you. The sway of your hips. The dimples in your thighs. That birthmark only he will ever see. He wants good morning kisses even if you didn’t brush your teeth. He wants the warmth of your embrace, the fierceness of your loyalty, the calm of your conviction and commitment to hold to your standards. He wants your heart....
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Hi Dr. Aesha, Online Dating Doesn’t Work For Me. I am a 31 year old Caribbean woman living in Florida. I am having a horrible time dating, especially online dating which is very painful and frustrating for me because I keep hearing from people that online dating is a great place to meet quality men. I’ve watched your Vimeo video about online dating for black women and I completely agree. It seems like women of other races have it so much easier to date quality men, especially online. I am willing to do what I have to do to find true love so I am initiating emails to men that I am interested in online but I have a couple questions about continuing to do this. #1- I have always been told and it is noted in so many self-help relationship books that men are the ones to make the first move or else the relationship won’t work in the end because he won’t be the pursuer; that the woman will be treated less than because the guy will subconsciously know that he didn’t have to work in order to get her attention and date her…I initiated my last relationship (which wasn’t online) and eventually the relationship failed because my ex didn’t love me the same way I loved him; I blame myself for initiating a relationship and putting my heart, body and time on the line just to get painfully rejected…are you sure initiating emails with men online is a good idea? #2- What should I be writing in my email to the men that I am interested in...
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If you were on a first date and the successful, swagalicious man you met on Soul Swipe said, “Am I ever gonna get remarried? I don’t think so. Yeah, I don’t think so. Marriage is an institution of sorts and I’ve done it. It’s not for everybody. It’s not my life’s calling,” what would you do? Tell the truth and shame the devil, ladies. Would you run for the hills so he doesn’t waste your time? Or would you stick around, hoping he’d change his mind once he saw you were the right woman? Well, the above quote came straight out of Idris Elba’s mouth and was printed in the August 2017 issue of Essence magazine. Yet, on February 9th, 2018, Idris proposed to his girlfriend, Sabrina Dhowre at a screening of his own movie. Never say never, I guess? I’m happy for the new Black Power Couple-to-be, but as a dating and relationship expert, I’ve got a few questions. Admittedly, we don’t know much about their whirlwind romance, but I’m searching for lessons that single sisters can apply to their own lives if they ever encounter a man who has a case of the Idris Elba Syndrome, a term I’m coining to describe a man who says he has no intention of settling down, yet changes his mind when he meets the right woman. I married a man who told me he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship when we first met, so I know that it’s possible. And I also know that as a woman, you have to navigate the early stages of the relationship with a man who has...
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Leslie Jones is one of the world’s most accomplished comedians. You may have seen her on Saturday Night Live or in the movie Ghost Busters. And you’ll be seeing her lovely face during the Olympics because she just landed a spot as a commentator with NBC. She’s a real #GirlBoss! Leslie recently made headlines because of a vulnerable Instagram post she made a few days ago. Check it out below: Ok back to cardio. But confession I feel like I’m doing it for nothing. I know it not I’m healthy and look good but I really feel like “what’s it all for” if the people you want to notice don’t. I just feel like I might die alone. Sorry that’s pretty heavy today!! @trainwiththaddeus A post shared by Leslie Jones (@lesdogggg) on Jan 30, 2018 at 11:36am PST Leslie’s public “what’s it all for” moment revealed a truth that many smart, successful sisters often tell me behind closed doors. At 50 years old, she feels invisible to the man she wants, and her belief that love is within her reach has been wounded due to disappointment. Can you relate? The responses to Leslie’s post were interesting. Over 5,000 comments poured in and they said things like: “Don’t work out for a man, Leslie! Do it because you love yourself.” “You’re beautiful and you’ve accomplished so much, girl. You should be proud of yourself!” Even Meagan Good, the powerhouse actor married to Devon Franklin chimed in, reminding Leslie that God loved her and was preparing her for something special. 💎from #MeaganGood #TheGift 🎁🎯#BowUpOrBowDown #UseYaMind 🙏🏿❤️ A post shared by Contac Vecci (@vecci) on Jan 31, 2018 at 11:25pm PST ...
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