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The Power of Clarity When Choosing A Mate

by Dr. Aesha on April 22, 2015


 

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The Power of Clarity When Choosing A Mate
By: Dr. Aesha


You like him. He likes you. Before you know it, you’re head over heels in love. But how can you be sure this person is The One? 

Most people make the mistake of choosing a mate based on chemistry alone. This is not a good way to choose the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. 

You need clarity. But how do you get it? Let me share with you 3 keys that will help you.


Key #1: Get clear on who you are

Sometimes we let other people, life’s circumstances and our past define who we are. 

For example, many of my clients have told me that they were raised to “be a lady” and to never chase a man. Others were taught they didn’t need a mate and that it was better to stay single rather than settle in a relationship. These teachings sound good, but in reality, they can keep you from the love you deserve! 

You need to exercise the power to define (and sometimes, redefine) yourself. 

This was a key step for me when I met my husband. At the time I was in graduate school, finishing up my studies for my PhD.  In the past, it seemed like whenever a man discovered I was going to be a college professor, they just disappeared! 

However, with my husband, I didn’t hide this part of my life. He knew it the very first day we met. I was able to be real with him and it helped us make a strong connection. 

If you don’t have clarity about who you are, it will be hard for you to be authentic and vulnerable in a relationship. You’ll be afraid to let the real you be seen and loved. So get clear on who you are and it will be easier to know if the person you’re dating is a good match for you. 


Key #2: Get clear on what you need

Let me ask you a quick question: Do you have a checklist of all the things you want in a mate? Let me guess what’s on it: 

•    Tall
•    Good-looking
•    Great job
•    Loves God

Did I get close? There are 3 problems when your list looks like this: 

1)    Most people’s lists aren’t original. Almost everyone says they want a man who is tall, financially stable, has a good sense of humor and loves God. There are millions of men who have these traits, right?
2)    What happened to the inner traits that define the character of a man and ensure the success of a relationship? Have these things made your list?
3)    You haven’t focused on what you need to thrive in a relationship 

According to Tony Robbins, there are 6 fundamental needs that we all have in common and everything we do–including dating or not dating–is an attempt to meet those needs. 

Take a look at this list and see which needs resonate with you: 
1.    Certainty—This is the need to feel safe, to avoid pain and gain pleasure
2.    Uncertainty/Variety—The need for change and spontaneity 
3.    Significance—Feeling needed, important, special
4.    Connection/Love—Feeling close to someone or something
5.    Growth—The need to keep learning, expanding and building
6.    Contribution—The need to give and serve something bigger than yourself


The point is to find healthy ways to meet these needs. For example, we can sometimes choose an unhealthy partner because the drama they cause brings variety into our lives. We’ll even create relationship problems because talking about them to other people makes us feel significant! 

I’ve also seen some women overlook a great man because he felt boring to them. They were so used to uncertainty that the stability this man brought didn’t seem exciting enough! 


Key #3: Get clear on what you want your life to look like

I like to tell people to get a vision of what you want your life to look like. Then think about how a relationship can help support that. Your relationship is going to last a lifetime, so it makes sense, doesn’t it, to know whether this person can help you create the life you want?

Write your vision in a journal and then focus on the steps that help you get there! That way you’re choosing a relationship on purpose, not by chance. 

Sisters, off-the-charts-chemistry or a checklist isn’t going to help you choose the right mate. Tap into the power of clarity and you’ll have the keys to attract and keep a lasting relationship. 

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3 Reasons Why Men Don’t Approach You

by Dr. Aesha on April 15, 2015

 

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3 Reasons Why Men Don't Approach You And What To Do About It

By: Aesha Adams-Roberts

"Girl, I had a meltdown!" 

I was chatting with a sister at a recent networking event. When she discovered I was a matchmaker and dating coach, she started sharing with me her challenges with men. She told me a "girl-meets-boy" story that felt like a scene out of a Lifetime movie, except there was no happily ever after. 

Maybe you can relate…

"This handsome man walked in the door, girl. He had so much swag it knocked me back in my seat. I've been married twice but NO MAN had ever made me feel like this. I started to get self-conscious and I heard the Spirit say, "Put on some makeup." 

So I pulled out my handbag and started putting on lipstick while the guy was still ordering his drink. Then he sat at the table next to mine. 

I pretended like I didn't see him when he glanced my way. He sat there for almost an hour and then when he got up to leave, he spoke to me. "Have a good day, sister." 

I knew he was talking to me, because my girlfriends were at the table with me and he looked right at me!  

My friend kicked me under the table as he was walking out the door and was like, "Girl, you better not let your man leave without you giving him your number." 

I panicked! I was so nervous! I never gave my number to a stranger before, but I ran to my car to get a pen and paper. Then I had a meltdown. I broke out in a sweat and I was crying and shaking. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to leave, but…I didn't want to be chasing no man, either.

If he was interested in me, he'd come to me! 

While I was in my car, he pulled up next to me and just looked at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. I pretended like I didn't see him and then he pulled off!

I feel like I missed my blessing. I've been going back to that Starbucks to see if I could find him, but he's gone. That was 3 years ago."

Can you see the 3 mistakes this sister made? It's the same 3 mistakes you're making if you're frustrated because the RIGHT men don't approach you. 

Let me break it down for you: 

1. Her body language did not show that she was available. 

According to the science of attraction, men (and women) find people with available body language–smiling, uncrossed arms and legs, and looking up–the most attractive.  

This sister wouldn't give her dream man eye contact that lasted longer than a split second and her meltdown definitely was not sexy! 

2. She didn't make the first move

You don't have to chase a man, but you do have to make the first move. 

One way you can make the first move is to lean in and give LOTS of eye contact. (This sister literally gave all the signs she wasn't interested by looking–and running–away!)

If an attractive man makes you want to turn invisible or run and hide, you have some limiting beliefs and thought patterns about men, yourself, and dating that are getting in your way! 

3. She didn't take advantage of the moment

You have to attract a person to you while you can. Dr. Helen Fisher, an expert in the science of love, says we humans can tell in one second–ONE SECOND–whether or not someone is attractive.

You can't put all the responsibility on God, fate, or "if it's meant to be" types of thoughts. You also can't make the excuse that if he's interested he'll overlook all of your "don't come over here, what are you looking at, I hope you don't really notice me" signals and talk to you anyway. 

Men don't think like that, sisters! 

Want to know exactly what high-quality men think when they approach a woman, ask her out, court her, and marry her?

Then get a copy of my most popular audiobook, Inside The Mind of Men. It's a heart-to-heart interview I did with 3 marriage-minded men who give it to you straight, no fluff.  They share all their man secrets on what makes a man fall in love, commit and marry a woman, just like you. It's like being a fly on the wall of the barbershop! 

Click here to pick up your copy (it's only $7)

 

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Confessions of Church Players: What Sisters Can Do to Protect Themselves

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Short Men Make Better Husbands

February 9, 2015

  Short Men Make Better Husbands By: Dr. Aesha Are you hating on short men?  I hear it from sisters all the time. I want a man who is 6'0" or taller, they say. I want to feel safe and protected. I like wearing heels… But you don't wear heels to bed, do you? #HollaIfYouHearMe Short […]

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Would You Marry Yourself If You Didn’t Find A Husband By 40? This Sista Did!

January 28, 2015

I've heard of friends promising to marry each other if they couldn't find a suitable partner, and I've seen a reality TV show of strangers marrying each other at first sight. But would you marry yourself if you couldn't find a husband by 40? This sista did and her story has gone viral! There's a […]

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Myth Busted: You Don’t Have To Get Your Life Together Before Dating

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  Myth Busted: You Don't Have To Get Your Life Together Before Dating By: Dr. Aesha   In a recent article on The Root, a man confessed that he hasn't had a girlfriend in 16 years! "What people don't understand is that my income isn't as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel […]

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