Valentine’s Day is here, and all I want is for you to have an EPIC relationship. I know you want it too, because you’re here in my tribe, reading my blogs, watching my videos and saying, “WOW, this is on POINT!” I also know your search for solutions to get this dating thing right has left you frustrated, jaded by dating apps and on the verge of getting another puppy to keep you company (can I keep it real?) You hold on to hope by telling yourself, “I know he’s out there.” Do I have permission to rock your world? He’s already here. He drank Starbucks coffee this morning. He listened to DJ Khaled on his morning commute. He’s eating Chipotle on his lunch break and will regret it when he stands up to lead his team meeting. He’ll be in the gym working off that burrito tonight. And when he goes to bed, he’ll think to himself “A lone bachelor…this is no way to live.” He is real. He exists. So I’ve got an uncomfortable question, but it will lead to your breakthrough. Deep breath. Ready? When was the last time you thanked your future partner for… …seeing you …accepting you …cherishing you …loving you …desiring you …understanding you …adoring you …committing to you? You can get so used to running from your past and focusing on the frustrations of your present reality that you forget there’s a new future waiting for YOU to create it. Trying to “stay positive” through it all can be hard. And truth is, positive thinking lasts as long as a new full set...
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I recently hosted a group coaching call for single women to ask me any question about their dating and relationship challenges. One of the questions really stood out to me. The sister asked me if she really had to stop all communication with an ex-boyfriend. When I asked her why she was holding onto a man from her past who made it clear he wasn’t ever going to commit to her, she said this: “He provides companionship for me. Besides, he told me I’d never meet anyone else like him. He’s right! I compare everyone I’m dating to him, and no one measures up.” I told this sister that by convincing herself she had a real connection with an emotionally unavailable man, she was driving her future partner away! Do you have a similar story? If you’re still talking to your ex or holding onto items that remind you of him, then I have some news for you: You aren’t over him, and you’ll continue to struggle with dating until you do this one important thing: Deal with your ex-factor. How to Get Over Your Ex My personal experience of moving on from a broken engagement —along with insight from psychologists—leads me to this conclusion. I held on to the engagement ring for years after my relationship came to an end. I kept the ring, along with a pile of cards, letters and old journals, in which I’d written about my ex-fiance, in a plastic shoebox and hid it under my bed. Whenever I was lonely, I’d take out the keepsake box, flip through the papers and try on the ring. The happy memories of...
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You’re smart. You’re sexy. And you’re surviving all the drama that comes with searching for romance while juggling a successful life. Heck, you could be the lead character in Sex & The City or Being Mary Jane…because despite all you’ve tried, lasting love seems to be beyond your grasp. You’re what I call a 10% woman, a six-figure sister who is in the top 10% of female income earners in the world. Through drive and ambition, you’ve fought hard to earn the respect and admiration of your colleagues & community. You believe you can achieve anything you put your mind to, and your résumé and bank account proves it. But you have a secret. Every time you look down at your left hand and see that it’s empty you wonder, “Why can’t I have love?” You’re Still Single. And you’re SICK of it. Let’s be clear: You know you’re loveable. You believe you are worthy. But years of doing life alone makes you wonder if your success makes you undesirable to the man you want. You’re like the hundreds of women I’ve coached who secretly ask me, “Dr. Aesha, What’s wrong with me?” Take a deep breath. Because it’s my responsibility as the Love Doctor to tell you the truth (but I’m not sure you’re ready for it). Here’s the answer…Nothing is wrong with you. You’re just missing some key skills in your relationship education. (Are you still breathing, beloved?) As a high-caliber woman, the odds are against you in love because you face 2 serious problems in dating: PROBLEM #1 Your relationships are …different. You’re the Oprah in your community....
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Are you hesitant about dating again because you’re afraid you’ll fall in love with someone who won’t commit? I understand how painful it is to date someone who is emotionally unavailable—a person who continuously creates barriers to avoid true intimacy and therefore commitment. But the reason why you find yourself in this situation is because you’ve been hoping, wishing and expecting that man to become emotionally ready for a commitment when you likely knew from the jump he wasn’t. There are many clues to pinpoint men who will be happy to date you for years but will run when it’s time to commit. Fortunately for you, many of these clues usually appear at the earliest stages of relationships, so you don’t have to waste your time with these non-committal men. Here are four signs to identify if a man is emotionally unavailable for commitment. Let’s begin with the early stages of a relationship. 1. He gives mixed signals One day he likes you. The next day he seems to ignore you. You never know when he’s going to call, and you end up feeling confused by it all. You can only assume his intentions because he never really states them. He loves to live in the gray areas of relationships. For example, he’ll spend time with you, but won’t want to label things. Or, maybe he’ll drop hints about “when we get married,” but later acts like you don’t have a future together. When a man can be open and vulnerable with you one moment and then distant the next, it can be intriguing and a turn-on. But be...
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R&B superstar Ciara ignited a Twitter firestorm when she retweeted a meme featuring a clip of Pastor John Gray’s 2016 message to single women about why marriage is elusive for them. In this message, he insinuated that if a man hasn’t put a ring on it yet, it’s because you’re walking in the “spirit of girlfriend,” instead of acting like a wife. He said: “Here’s what the scripture says. He that finds a wife finds a good thing. It didn’t say he that finds a woman that he’s attracted to, that he then begins to date, who he then calls a girlfriend, who he then buys a ring, proposes, and makes her his fiancé, who he then marries later, who becomes his wife. You’re not a wife when I marry you, you’re a wife when I find you. You become my wife when I marry you. But a wife is not the presence of a ring, it’s the presence of your character. Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit, and carry yourself like you are already taken. And I promise you when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.” Ciara’s retweet of this message, along with the hashtag, #LevelUp, made many sisters feel she had forgotten her own messy relationship struggles with Future and was pointing to her public (and celibate) courtship and marriage to NFL star Russell Wilson as a sign she was on another level of worthiness as a woman. And while Ciara clarified her post, saying #LevelUp was about learning to love herself, sisters weren’t buying it because they’ve been...
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Dr. Aesha, I met this guy. He’s nice, but during our dates he keeps talking about work and sometimes I get bored. I feel he is nice but just doesn’t know how to date. In fact, on our second date, he told me he wasn’t comfortable with dating. Do you have tips to help? Should I just move on? Monica Monica, Let me help you distinguish between a bad date and an awkward date, so you can decide if you want to give him another chance. True story. A sister went on a first date with a guy she met online at a coffee shop. He greeted her by saying “hey,” barely looked up from his laptop, and spent the entire date showing her pictures of his house! He never even offered to buy her coffee. This is a textbook “bad date” and if this sister is smart, she won’t give this guy the time of day! But what about an awkward first date? You know, when there are long, awkward silences in a conversation, or the conversation is boring because he keeps talking about work ? Or what about the nervous tension you feel when he gushes over how amazing you are, and he can’t believe you actually said YES to a date with him? Should you give him another chance or do you just bounce to the next guy? If you’re anything like my clients, you might be quick to say NEXT and go back to swiping on SoulSwipe. But what if I told you that some folks stay in relationships past the expiration date, but too many sistas move on TOO FAST!...
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Is the idea of fornication killing the dating scene for Black women? WARNING. This post will trigger you. In fact, I’m not sure if you’re ready to even read it. Not because you’re not a grown woman, but because what I’m about to share with you will step on toes. And not just your toes, but the toes of your Big Momma, current Bishop, father and almost the entire culture of Black folk traditions. In short, the legacy of your belief is going to be challenged. But if you take a deep breath, and remember that your beliefs about sex, sensuality, desire and relationships have been borrowed from folks who loved you, wanted to protect you, but who were also living in an 1942 era where many women married at the age of 15, you’ll be happy I’m bringing this conversation into 2018. I’m going to assume that since you’re still here, you want to be, and you’re giving me permission to call you into a greater, more liberating sense of your sexuality. Living by the idea that sex outside of marriage is shameful has created myths that have become roadblocks for singles who want to be married. Women don’t feel comfortable flirting with a man they like because they don’t want him to think she’s desperate or a thirst trap. Men run away when a sista blurts out “I’m CELIBATE!!” during a first date, because they assume you’re sexually inexperienced (when the reality may be you’re celibate because you’re learning to make better choices in romantic partners). And when a sista does decide she wants to enjoy casual sex, she...
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“I don’t need a man. I’m fine with or without one!” If I had a dollar for each time I’ve heard a single sister say this, I’d have another stream of income! I get that we’ve been taught by our mamas, grandmamas and sometimes the men in our lives, that we don’t need a man. They were trying to ensure our survival so that if we ended up abandoned, abused or mistreated, we could still make it in this world. I get it. But here’s the thing: We can’t allow our pain to define us. You may have been hurt by a man, but don’t let the past affect your future happiness. When you don’t need a man, it shows. So if you want a relationship, you’re going to have to have a “come to Jesus” moment and flip the script. Here are 3 reasons why you need a man in your life: Reason #1: You need to know how to receive As Black women, we are excellent at giving. And we know how to get what we need on our own. But how many of us can freely receive help, love, and support from someone without feeling guilty or like we’re a burden to someone else? This is the limitation of the Strong Black Woman Syndrome. Reason #2: Allowing yourself to need a man honors your humanity. It acknowledges that you need to be loved, accepted and significant. And it says that you recognize just how valuable you are when you can receive what someone else is giving to you. Reasons #3: You need to be loved. Dr. John Gray said...
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