I’ve gotta be real with you about a complaint I’ve been noticing a lot from sistas: “The men I want, don’t want me.”
Can you relate?
Maybe you put up a profile online and only get hits from men who live in another state or who don’t look like what you described on your list.
Or, you feel invisible to the professional, successful men other sisters seem to be able to attract easily and effortlessly.
Maybe you are the First Date Queen, and the men who ask you out don’t ever follow up, even though they tell you they will call.
It’s frustrating, I know, when this keeps happening. I can show you how to solve this problem–if you’re open and ready to turn things around in your favor for ever.
I have a unique perspective, not just as someone who has met & married my husband in 11 months, but also as a professionally trained matchmaker and dating coach who has helped smart, successful sistas get married, end up in long term relationships, and have an active dating life after years of failed relationships and lonely weekends at home.
I know it’s not easy being a smart woman who has standards. And when you look out into the dating pool, many of the men just don’t measure up to your list of “must-haves.”
The man who is educated…isn’t always exciting.
The man who is exciting…isn’t always financially stable.
The man who is stable…isn’t always consistent.
The man who is consistent…isn’t always intellectually stimulating.
The man who is intellectually your equal…isn’t always a 10 on the attraction scale.
And on it goes.
The fact is, you’ll always be able to find a quality a man doesn’t have, so relying on a list, or an image in your head of how your dream man should look and make you feel, could cause you to lose out on potentially great partners.
I’ve discovered the patterns that lead to this frustration and 2 root causes that actually create an invisible wall, preventing you from meeting, dating and marrying the high quality men who really are out there.
Let’s take them one by one and see if any resonate with you. (WARNING: this may tick you off, but the truth will set you free!):
1. You Have A Type and Rigid Rules About Men
Physical attraction is one thing. Having a type is another. If you refuse to date men who don’t look like you imagined, you limit your options and create the reality that there aren’t very many good men out there.
There’s already a lot of things out of your control in dating and relationships. Timing, for example, is something you can’t force to happen. You can’t decide when and where you’re going to meet someone. So saying NO all the time because the person who asked you out doesn’t look exactly like the person you’re used to dating, is literally slamming the door to LOVE. You end up spending all your time searching for a fantasy you’ve created in your head, while avoiding the actions that will actually help you meet a real life person!
Ask yourself this: How has dating your type worked out for you in the past? Has it resulted in healthy, lasting relationships where you feel cherished, loved, and safe? If it hasn’t, I invite you to be open to dating different types of men so you can have new experiences. To do that, you actually have to go out on a date.
April Beyer put it this way:
“Say yes to dates. Yes to opportunities that are all around you. Yes to thinking and feeling in a new way. No more saying “no” – that word has a way of keeping you stuck, and to be honest, it doesn’t mean you’re more selective. It keeps you closed and shut down. Instead, you’re going to say yes, putting yourself out there in a whole new way, and seeing yourself and the men around you with fresh eyes. A woman who is ready is selective. A woman who is not is picky.”
2. You Focus On People’s Flaws
Do you remember the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy? He’d seduce a woman and then avoid getting into a relationship with her over some silly flaw like her “hammer toes.” He was suggesting that a woman needed to be perfect in order to be relationship material. His pickiness was a form of emotionally unavailability!
Because I love you and don’t want you to miss out on great partners, I gotta tell you the truth.
When you diss good people for silly reasons, you’re emotionally unavailable. Yes, I know! Your heart isn’t open to love and you tend to project your own fears about being unloveable onto other people by finding reasons why he isn’t a good man. There’s only so much you can tell about a person through a picture online. You have to have a conversation or go out on a date.
Let me list a few “flaws” I’ve heard from the 10% of my clients who ended up chronically single:
- He didn’t make me laugh on the first phone call
- His southern drawl makes him sound uneducated and I’d be embarrassed if my friends and co-workers met him (even though he had a college degree)
- He wasn’t goofy enough for me
- He doesn’t wear the proper shoes
- He wanted to take me to get ice cream for a first date instead of taking me to a high priced dinner
- He’s not as intelligent as I am
- He has a job but can’t pay for my vacation
- He’s 5’11” and will be my height if I wear heels
- He had children and I waited…I deserve someone who waits, too
Focusing on the kinds of flaws that have no indiction on whether or not a man will be a good partner for you makes you come across as picky. Pickiness is an energy and it speaks for you before you even say a word. The feedback men have shared with me when they describe these type of women are “self-righteous,” “judgmental,” “a turn-off,” “difficult,” and “too much drama.” They don’t see you as a quality woman and will disappear without a trace,
Why? Because men make a decision about who they want to be with based on one thing: Do I like the way I feel about myself when I’m around her?
You have a master’s degree? Nice. But will you snap on him if he takes you to get ice cream for a first date instead of Ruth’s Chris?
You work out 5 days per week. Wonderful! But do you cook his favorite dish after a long week of work?
You love God, volunteer to feed the homeless, and love to travel to exotic locations. Ok. But do you appreciate the little things he does for you, like send you good morning texts, ask you how your day went, and make you feel safe when you’re on a date?
Your perceived value of yourself is based in your accomplishments and what you do for men. But if you want high quality men to ask you out, you need to understand what they value about women. They don’t really care about your degree, your relationship with God, or even how beautiful you look. They care about how you make them feel about themselves.
So I want you to be a selective woman. Your energy is open, welcoming, accepting and confident. You’re willing to compromise on the things that don’t really matter, and as a result, you have lots of options in your dating pool. You can therefore turn men down when they ask you out based on whether they share your values, instead of whether they wore the right shoes to the date.
You say yes to dates and opportunities to meet new people, because you know that each encounter gets you closer to meeting the man of your dreams, because you’ll learn more about yourself and what you need in a relationship. Instead of expecting to meet The One on your next date, you focus on having a good time and leaving the person better than when you first met him.
This is what my successful clients have mastered, and for many of them, it’s resulted in long term relationships, engagements and marriages!
And now you can discover it too in my most popular course, Be Found: The Dating Masterclass For Smart, Successful Sistas. In it, I show you how to define your dating pool so that you have more options, and then I show you how to screen men better so that you only date quality men! You’ll learn how to stop turning men off through the wrong energy, and how to date in a brand new way so that it’s enjoyable and less frustrating. The result?
- You’ll feel confident because you’ll have an abundance of men pursuing you (they come out the woodwork!)
- You’ll go out with men you’re excited to meet
- You’ll get a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th date with the man you want
- You’ll easily decide who is right for you because the right man will be consistent in his efforts and he’ll make his intentions clear.
And you’ll get this result in as little as 6 hours of training! As an added bonus, you’ll get LIVE group coaching calls with me where I answer all your questions about texting, dating, sexual boundaries, places to go to meet quality men, questions to ask on a date, and much more!
P.S. Wondering if this will work for you? Read these testimonials from graduates of the course:
“I learned there’s a thin line between being selective and being too rigid”
Hi there!!! Just a quick check in. I started talking to a guy on September 29, and tomorrow we’ll be going on date #3. We aren’t official just yet, but so far so good. He has called me almost every day sometimes twice a day and he has been very receptive whenever I express my needs. Going to keep observing him for consistency but I’m liking what I’ve seen so far. Thanks for everything. I’m excited and enjoying the journey…
“I’m an equal opportunity dater”
“When you said to take the things off our list a man can’t change like height, that showed me I’m leaving out millions of potential partners. I am going to be an “equal opportunity” dater from now on. Thanks Dr. Aesha!”
“I let go of my rules and met my boyfriend”
“I was very anti Black People Meet when Dr. Aesha recommended it to me because I did not have a good experience with it at all when I was on it like 7 years ago or something! I felt like it had much lower quality men and was a meat market. It has improved dramatically and that’s actually where I met my boyfriend and we’ve been together for a year! He very much knows what he wants and is ready to settle down with the right woman. I’m really excited about him and thankful that I didn’t listen to my first thought and close the door to him simply because he was long distance.
I had a bunch of rules in the past too but they did me no good! Once I got rid of them and started giving all kinds of men a chance, it’s been so much easier and far better! So, if you’re hesitant like me, give it a try! It might surprise you!”
It’s time to turn your love life around, too Aesha. You don’t have to wait until a New Year’s Resolution. You can have amazing results right now. Let’s get you started. Click here now!