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 Myth Busted: You Don’t Have To Get Your Life Together Before Dating

By: Dr. Aesha


In a recent article on The Root, a man confessed that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 16 years! “What people don’t understand is that my income isn’t as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel insecure about how women may view my current professional station in life,” he wrote.

At first I thought his insecurity was personal. He just needs to be more confident, I said. Quit trying to date women who are out of his league and start focusing on the women who do want him, I thought.  

But then I realized that this brotha is struggling with a big myth that says you have to get your life together BEFORE you can be worthy of love. 

This cultural myth says you’re supposed to have your money, career, and fitness goals checked off a list, and so should your partner. 

  • The Law of Attraction folks say you need to become who you want to attract.
  • Your mama (or daddy) says you need to find a man you can respect.
  • Your girlfriends say you shouldn’t have to take care of a man.
  • Your pastor says God won’t bless you with a mate from you until you get your life together. 
  • You say you worked hard to lose weight, get out of debt, climb the corporate ladder, build a business, etc., etc., and you deserve a man who has big goals like you. 

I mean, being on the same level is what makes a true partnership, right? 


A true partnership is one where kindness, acceptance, widsom, grace, and forgiveness exists. It is a safe place for each individual to grow and become all that God created them to be.

A true partnership is about who you are becoming, not what you are doing. However, there’s this pressure for men to have it all together before they should even think about marriage, and sadly, I believe many women have gotten caught up in spreading this message. Now trust me. I’m not saying you should date someone who is irresponsible, self-centered, immature or needy! 

What I am saying is that we need to get back to the basics.  A partnership is about growing together and creating something amazing together. That means the person you meet may not have it all together right now, but if he has the right heart, he may be the right man for you.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share them below!