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How Your Feelings Are Messing Up Your Relationships

By: Dr. Aesha

You already know this, but I’m going to say it anyway: 

Your ability to manage your feelings is directly affecting your relationships. 

You see, you usually make 1 of 3 choices when someone hurts you, disappoints you or ticks you off: 

  • React
  • Reject
  • Repress 

You’ve gotten so good at these responses that they happen instantly and you don’t even realize it! 

Don’t believe me? Let’s see if these ring true for you: 

  • You’re around a man you finally attractive and who is exactly what you’ve dreamt of your whole life. You start thinking, “He probably won’t even want to talk to me. Why would he be interested in me.” You don’t realize you have these thoughts, though. All you know is you feel awkward. So you overcompensate by pretending to be someone you’re not. Isntead of being playful, fun, open, you get stuck in your head. You wonder if the last thing you said was stupid. You can’t get a word out! 
  • You feel rejected when a man disappears after a date or stops calling you. You take it personally and then say things like, “All men lie! None of them are serious about relationships.” You take down your online dating profile and decide to take a break from dating. 
  • Maybe you’r already in a relationship, and your partner says something that hurts your feelings. You haven’t been taught to communicate openly and truthfully so you don’t say, “Babe, that really hurt me. I’m angry with you! Please don’t say that again.” Instead, you cut your eyes, suck your teeth, and tell him off about something he did last week. Before you know it, you’re arguing and you don’t know why. 
  • Or, you say nothing for weeks. But because feelings buried alive never die, it comes up other ways. You’re cold and reject his affection. Or you snap at your kids, friends or co-workers and they label you as hard to get along with. 
  • Perhaps you’ve gotten so good at the Strong Black Woman Syndrome that you’ve learned to just shut down. You feel nothing. No pain. No anger. Nothing. The problem with going numb is that you can’t feel joy either! So you just exist. Or you turn to unhealthy things like overeating, meaningless sex, overspending, or overworking so that you can feel something. 

No matter your pattern, your feelings are messing up your ability to enjoy relaitonships. If any of these ring true for you, your feelings are getting in the way. Here are some tips to help you gain control

1. Don’t take it personally

Your partner is going to say stupid stuff. People aren’t going to call you back or ask you out again. Breakups happen. 

The key is to not make up stories about yourself, your worth, or your ability to love. Feel the pain and let it go! 

2. Watch what you tell yourself when you disappointed in love

What do you say when someone disappoints you? Be careful becasue these thoughts can become limiting beliefs that will block your blessings! 

3. Know yourself

Study yourself. Know what your buttons are. This way you can respond to things and choose what you’re going to do and say. 

4. Get help

Work with a coach who can teach you tools on how to heal past hurts and communicate in new ways so you don’t keep ruining your chances at relationships!

Did this help you? I want to hear your feedback!