“Never Settle” And Other Bad Dating Advice That’s Keeping You Single
By: Dr. Aesha
I refuse to settle! I can do bad all by myself! Relationships are hard work! If you’re single & you’re saying one of these common phrases, you could be blocking your Boaz from showing up!
I have to warn you. I’m about to share truth with you that could set you free. But it might make you mad first. I promise, however, that if you stay with me, you’ll get clarity on dating and relationships that will elimiante your frustrations forever.
1. “I refuse to settle!”
You’ve been taught by countless relationship experts to never settle for less. So what’s so wrong with refusing to settle? The problem is how we define and apply the word “settling.”
It’s one thing to never settle for a relationship where you’re being mistreated and undervalued. You shouldn’t settle for a man who won’t commit to you, who cheats on you, or who thinks he can come back and forth into your life whenever he wants to!
It’s another thing to say you won’t settle for a man because he doesn’t fit every criteria on your Perfect Man list.
For example, I’ve watched a sister refuse to go out again with a good man because he didn’t open the door for her on a date. Another sister won’t date men who have retired early because she thinks all able-bodied men should work (even if he does receive a great retirement check and has plans to enjoy it!) Yet another sister eliminated a man who didn’t make her laugh on the first phone call. These were all secret standards the sisters had. The problem is the men had no clue they were being judged by these rules because they didn’t get the memo!
The reality is most of the lists youv’e been told to create are really fantasies. And now, you’ve convinced yourself that God will give you the desires of your heart, all the while forgetting that God isn’t required to give you what you want. He gives you what you need!
Here’s better advice: A real live man who wants to date you and meets your top 5-6 relationship requirements (and not just physical preferences) is 1,000 times better than the fantasy man you’ve created on a piece of paper. Go out with real men and explore the possibilities of building a relationship with them instead of judging men by a set of rules they don’t know anything about.
By choosing to go out with a man who doesn’t fit your criteria, you’re not settling, you’re compromising! And that’s an important skill you’ll need to be successful in marriage anyway.
2. “I can do bad all by myself.”
Have you ever said this phrase? If you have, it probably came on the heels of a bad breakup and you probably realized you’d rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. But why not say, “I’d rather be in a healthy relationship than a bad relationship?”
Because being alone feels safer than taking the risk of loving someone. What if he hurts you??
I get it. The pain of your past is still palpable. You can recall the details of what the last guy did to you and you’ve vowed to never let that happen to you again. But here’s the problem with saying “I can do bad all by myself.” You don’t learn how to change the way you choose men, how you communicate with them and how you relate to them. Instead you build up walls to keep the pain out. But those same walls prevent love and joy from coming in!
There’s nothing wrong with being single, but if you’d rather have love than spend the rest of your life alone, you’ll have to stop speaking this over yourself.
3. “Relationships are hard work.”
This one is a little tricky because it’s partly true. Successful relationships take time, energy and effort. To get one off the ground and then make it last requires a life-long commitment to a process, a process that will require us to change, to grow and to open up to love again and again and again.
But does that mean relationships are hard work? Here’s the danger in believing that they are: You’ll put up with unnecessary drama! If he’s insecure, or takes a long time to commit, or drags you through all kinds of craziness, you’ll try to work it out because you believe “relationships are hard work.”
Here’s the truth that will set you free: Drama is a sign that things are dysfunctional! Too much drama is a sign you need to let it go and not try to work it out.
If you’ve been saying any one of these common pieces of dating advice, I want to invite you explore other ideas you may have using this 3-step process:
First, ask yourself, where did my beliefs come from? You weren’t born with these ideas about dating and relationships. You learned them and may need to unlearn them.
Second, remind yourself that you have the power to say “yes” or “no” to any beliefs you currently hold. Let go of the ideas that no longer serve you, especially if you find yourself single when you don’t want to be.
Third, replace these ideas with the truth. You’ll probably need to search a little to uncover the truth. But once you do, start speaking it over your life and watch blessings begin to flow!