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Why Do All Men Want A Woman Like Beyoncé Instead Of A Regular Sister Like Me?

Hello Dr. Aesha,

One thing I’ve never really received a straightforward answer on from any “relationship expert” or article is this, (except maybe one or two) is this:

What about the women who are regular, simple women, with simple lives, simple wants, and simple needs. The women who don’t necessarily aspire to be superwomen. The women who don’t aspire to be career-driven women, with various hobbies, who manage to still work out half the week, and attend business meetings, business trips, seminars, and jet set to vacations with girlfriends, and she does hair, has some other super skills. Not every woman out here is like that. Some women are content to work a regular nine to five job, relax at home during the week, work out occasionally, go out once in a while when she feels like it, and has no super duper special skills or talents. She’s just a simple, simply good woman, with a kind heart. She’s simply a woman who is loving, caring, honest, nurturing, intelligent, and sweet.

From personal experience I’ve found that men seem to want marry those types of women. Based on my many conversations with men, and personal experiences with men, they seem to be attracted to the wrong types of women. They seem to seek after the “super-women” with all the flash and flair. The women who are physically attractive, Beyonce, and/or Alicia Keyes lookalikes.

The reality that I see everyday is that most everyone is shallow to a degree, (myself included). I’ve worked on being less shallow. I believe I’ve gotten better with that. Again my question is here in the DC, MD area where I live, men do not seem to want to marry and seriously be with regular women. Again, I know that in every state there is a slight variation in how men are. Maybe it’s because here people are all about how good you look on paper. They’re also all about paper chasing. I’ve heard many black women say that their experiences with men from MD and DC are unlike that of any other state.

Many of the books and articles basically seem to advise all women to be a “cooker-cutter” mold of what men want and desire. A mold of the type of women that men marry and commit to long term. However, what if the woman does not fit that “cookie-cutter” mold, and is content with who and what she is, and has no desire to change. What if she is ok staying home most of the time and watching movies, and doesn’t care to be out and about all the time. What if the woman has no degree, but she is still highly intelligent, has a decent job, makes her own money, and lives on her own. Maybe she doesn’t have a house, drive a Benz, or make close to six figures, but she is independent in that she doesn’t ask anyone for anything.

One man that I met on a blog that didn’t date a woman who did not have her own place and a car. I tried to explain to him that even the time I didn’t have a car, I rarely asked anyone for a ride. Being from Philly i was very used to taking public transportation, and I made out just fine doing that until I could afford a car. So what about these women? And yes they are more than willing to date regular men. Some of them anyway.

However, it seems as though most all men want the glamour girl, and/or the Beyonce, Alicia Keys or some celebrity look alike. So what can be done about that? What would your advice be? I’m anxious to hear your thoughts and opinions on this.  

Thank you,

Bree

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Girl. I don’t know where to start. But you’re looking for a straightforward answer, right? I’m going to give it to you.

Have you looked at my photos, sis? I’m a carmel-colored sister who rocks a red, teeny weeny afro. I don’t exactly look like Beyoncé or Alicia Keys, nor do I want to! Yet I’m happily married. Your generalization that all men want a woman who is a glamour girl is just…off. 

So what’s the real, girl? You’re holding yourself back from love, and I’ve got a few guesses why:

1) You have the #1 love killer belief that I hear time and time again: “There are no good men.”

Your version goes something like this:

  • All men are attracted to women who don’t look like me.
  • Men in my city are different from any other place in the world.
  • All men are shallow, should be attracted to regular women, and are therefore not good.
  • Therefore, there are no good men.

Dr. Diana Kirschner, dating expert & psychologist, says this belief is really a way to hide your “out-of-control fears of rejection and abandonment that nullify feelings of trust and shut down a woman’s heart.” I also suspect you have another killer belief that goes something like “I will never have love because something’s wrong with me.” This belief is rooted in thoughts like, “I’m not successful enough,” “Men aren’t attracted to me,” and “I don’t have anything to offer.”

I can tell these beliefs are rooted in your heart because of the story you’re telling me about all the men in DC. You also use the word “simple” to describe yourself and you’ve told me about all the things you don’t have that make you unsuccessful and therefore unattractive to men. You’ve looked for evidence to support that, either by talking to friends who agree with you or by searching the Internet for relationship blogs where you chat online with men who confirm your belief. Well, I’m gonna tell you the truth, sis. It may piss you off but its gonna set you free!

2) You compare yourself to others

You seem to be comparing yourself to other “super successful,” glamorous sisters and in your final analysis, you label yourself as “simple.” Comparison is a form of self-rejection! You need to really get a good sense of your self-worth. I don’t mean self-esteem, girl. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. Self-worth is understanding the value of your life! You’re talking about career and salary, and color of your skin, and size of your body. None of that determines your self-worth. You need to look deeper into your spirit, love your body and mend your heart so you can really “feel” what you’d bring to a relationship. You haven’t tapped into that yet, boo, and that’s the reason why you’re still single.

3) You’re mad that the men you like don’t want you back

You said you’re more than willing to date “regular” men but it seems like you’re stuck in what I call the Idriss Elba Syndrome. You’re upset that men like that want a “glamour” girl. Here’s the truth that will set you free: Look for the men who are looking for you! Instead of spending all your time focused on why certain men want a Beyonce-look-a-like, position yourself to be found by a man who is actively searching for you. They’re out there!

4) You’re not confident

Can I tell you something men have told me? These are men who are marriage-minded. They’re between their 30s to their 50s. Some of them have 6-pack abs and others have love handles. But no matter what they look like, they have ALL said they’re attracted to a confident woman. They don’t necessarily care if a woman rocks a weave or a natural, if she’s plus-sized or spends all day in a gym. When she is confident, they find her attractive. By comparing yourself to other women, trying to change the kind of women some men are attracted to and calling yourself “simple” you are eroding the confidence you need to be able to attract a husband.

I invite you to heal your fears of rejection and abandonment otherwise you’ll continue to create these patterns and repel the men you want to attract.

In other words, the problem isn’t that some men are attracted to women who look like Beyoncé. The problem is you need become confident enough to attract the men you want. 

Love,

Dr. Aesha