Dear Dr. Aesha,
After reading a few of your articles I truly am intrigued by your advice and wisdom. I am seeking to gain understanding of my current situation.
A few months back I met a man, we had good chemistry on the first date and dates to follow. He truly would show interest in me; surprise Valentine’s Day date, supporting me at functions, listening to my issues and offering advice etc..
3 months into dating we start talking about a few of his issues like unhappiness with himself, work progress and past relationships (his personal feelings made him think I was asking for a relationship, although I never did). So he thinks it’s best we break things off. I let him know that’s fine with me… I understand….
A month and a half later I reach out to say Hi, how are you doing. He says “I was just thinking about you earlier this week.” Go figure, right. He expressed he’d like for us to catch up and go out. I can’t lie. At this point I just brush him off. After a second conversation a few weeks later I ask him if he’s back on the dating scene. He avoids the question by saying “I am ready to see you again” noting that he isn’t ready for a relationship. I express that a relationship is the ultimate goal.
So am I wasting my time if I entertain him again? I feel like after a few months this man should know if he’d want to pursue a relationship with me or not.
Here’s the short answer. Yes. You’re wasting your time.
But I think you intuitively knew that before you asked me, right sis? So let’s talk about how and why you got here in the first place. There are 3 mistakes you’ve made with this guy and I want to help you so you can stop wasting your time with guys like this and attract a man who will commit to you.
Mistake #1: You were led by chemistry.
You made one of the most common mistakes most sisters make when they’re dating a guy who turns out to be emotionally unavailable like this brotha you’re dealing with.
Intensity is not intimacy.
Yes, he pursued you in the beginning and made you feel amazing by showering you with gifts, attention and affection. But then the breakdown came when he got scared because you starting having real talk about his life and your place in it.
Chemistry isn’t a good indication that you should commit to someone. It’s a really bad reason to commit, as a matter of fact. You need clarity on who you are, what your core values are, and whether or not this person would make a good life partner for you. (I wrote about that here, so check it out).
Mistake #2: You told him by your words and actions that his lack of clarity about commitment was okay.
But I’m wondering if you really didn’t mean it. You “understood” when he needed to break things off but you reached out to him again just 90 days later to see how he was doing. Why check in with someone who broke up with you because he wasn’t ready for a relationship in the first place? If he’s not checking in with you, he’s still not ready!
Here’s a bit a wisdom you should tuck in your back pocket when it comes to men: They always reveal their intentions by their actions. If his words and actions don’t match, he’s not a good catch!
Mistake #3: You fell for the “Oh I was just thinking about you” line.
Girl, I can’t tell you how many times my ex used that on me when I just wanted to see how he was doing. Here’s why I reached out to him: I wanted him to be thinking of me. I wanted him to miss me and to feel like he’d made a mistake. It’s like that Babyface song, “Anytime.” You remember the words?
I can’t remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you
Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
I miss you
I miss you
(No more) loneliness and heartache
(No more) crying myself to sleep
(Don’t want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won’t you come back to me
Come back to me, oh
I miss you
So this dude kinda sorta tells you he misses you and he’s ready to see you again, but he hasn’t changed.
The truth is he desires you, but he doesn’t value you. If he truly appreciated the amazing woman you are, he’d step up and commit. He wouldn’t want to just use you because he misses you.
Girl, you need to cut this dude off and move on. Just because you have a history with someone, doesn’t mean you should have a future with him. You’ve got to believe that there is someone who will value you, respect your time and seriously pursue a relationship with you. But if you keep hanging around this guy, you’ll miss out.