Ask Dr. Aesha: Is It Wrong For Me To Date More Than One Man At Once?
By: Dr. Aesha
Hi Aesha. I have a 3 point question: I know the answers but I want your professional feedback and your readers’ opinions.
I have only been back on the dating scene since the summer. I was single 2 years before that, after being in a 18 month relationship. I don’t date several times a week or even every week, but I will go out to various venues and have fun doing a variety of activities once in a while if a man asks me out. (A handful of times a month let’s say.) I am looking to find someone to be serious and committed with, but as of yet it has been a date here, two dates there.
I have a few men who wanna go out, but after telling them I have gone out with someone else or that I already have a date scheduled on a day they wanna schedule a date they get upset and tell me they are no longer interested. They say they don’t wanna “compete” or go out if I’m gonna go out with other men. Is it wrong for me to 1) let men know I go out on dates with other men? 2) to continue dating until I meet a man I feel I want to be exclusive with and 3) to want a man to “compete” for me?
Amber, this is a great question because it reveals the double standard in dating. What I mean is, men are permitted–almost expected–to date more than one woman at a time. However, when a guy finds out you’re seeing more than one man at a time, he’s jealous. The men who are upset with you also may have ulterior motives. They might want to just sleep with you and don’t want anyone else to have a chance before they do.
It’s hypocritical, isn’t it?
I actually support women who date more than one man at a time. Why? Because if you’re serious about finding Mr. Right and getting married, it takes around 1-2 years for the average person to do that. Let’s say you meet Man #1 and date him for 6 months only to discover he was cheating on you. It takes you another 3 months to heal from the betrayal and get back on the dating scene. It takes you 3 more months to find a man you like. You date 6 months before becoming exclusive, but 6 months later, you break up. There’s nothing wrong with him, but your’e just not a good match.
You’ve spent 2 years with 2 different guys! Now you’re back at square one.
Remember, 99 out of 100 men are going to be the wrong one, so the faster you discover they’re not The One, the sooner you can find him!
By dating more than one person at a time, you can speed up the process. I’m not talking about committing to more than one person at a time; I’m saying you should date casually–enjoying activities, getting to know a man, accepting invitations–with more than one person at time so you don’t waste time.
Some people call it dating like a man. I say it’s dating smart!
What you’re experiencing is backlash from the fellas because there’s a double-standard against women who use this strategy. So here are some solutions for you to handle that:
1) Only let men know you’re seeing other people if they ask you. I don’t mean if they ask if you’re available for a date; I mean if they ask you if you’re seeing anyone else. Why? Because it’s none of their business. But really, it’s because your goal isn’t to make someone feel rejected or like you’re playing around with them. You’re just trying to figure out if a man is a good fit for you.
2) It’s not wrong to keep dating until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. When you do find him, be sure to let the others know so you’re not wasting their time.
3) Yes, it’s wrong of you to want to make men compete for you. Here’s why: The only way you can get a man to want to compete for you is if he’s jealous. Men don’t like rejection, so a guy might not try to win you early on in the dating process if he knows there are lots of other suitors, especially ones he’s never seen before! He can’t size up the competition, so he’ll just cut his losses and move on.
Instead of trying to get men to compete for you by telling them you’re seeing other people, let them pursue you. This way, you can discover their true intentions. A man is purusing you if he’s consistently calling you, asking you out, planning dates, and treating you like a girlfriend. If he’s not doing that, chances are HE’S seeing someone else!
That’s my advice for Amber. What do you think she should do? Tell me below!