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Dr. Aesha—

I see you often proclaim that your husband proposed in 11 short months despite originally shying away front the thought of marriage. However, just about every piece of advice I’ve found, including from your articles, encourages women not to waste their time with men who make it clear from the beginning that marriage is not on the menu…So, which one is it? Should I still communicate with and remain open to a man who isn’t interested in marriage or do I pack my bags and avoid wasting my time?


First, let me clarify something in my love story. My husband was interested in marriage. He wasn’t, however, actively looking for a wife, and he wanted me to know that upfront. Second, there’s a big difference between a man who isn’t ready for marriage and someone who doesn’t believe in marriage. My husband was marriage-minded but wasn’t relationship-ready, which is why I continued to see him, although I didn’t open up my heart to him until after we’d had conversations about where we were headed in the future. I knew he wasn’t just a commitment-phobe because we had in-depth conversations about what we both wanted in the future and he talked about having a family of his own. Once we became official, I went into the relationship knowing full well that we were working toward marriage.

So how can you tell if a man doesn’t believe in marriage? Here are 3 warning signs:

1. He tries to convince you that marriage is just a piece of paper.

If you ask your man when you’re getting married and he says, “Come on, baby! We don’t need the state to recognize our love. The only thing marriage would give us is a tax write off. As long as you love me, and I love you, what’s the problem? A ring doesn’t keep me committed to you…I CHOOSE you every day and that’s more significant than any ceremony we might have,” then chances are he isn’t just afraid of making a life-long commitment to you, he doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage.

This kind of man is content with you both being single, but doing it together. If marriage is important to you, however, don’t let a man convince you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Tell him this: “So is your paycheck, but you like that paper!”

Click here to continue reading at my blog on BlackandMarriedwithKids