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Hi Dr. Aesha,I love your warm words of wisdom on your Facebook page. I have two children by two different men and neither one of them is in my children’s life. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in my relationships. I’m a good woman but I can’t seem to find a good man. Sometimes I feel so unattractive, and feel like I will never meet anybody…Who would date a woman with two kids? I ask myself that daily.

My mother and I live together. Do you feel that is one of the reasons why my mate is not approaching me? I have a job, a car and I’m good in every other category. The only thing that I lack is my own place. Can you please help figure out why I can’t find that true man?

Feeling hopeless.

*****

My beautiful sister, 

I’m so glad you asked me this question, because it’s one I hear from my single moms All. The. Time. 

If you’re asking yourself who would want a woman with two children every single day, that’s a big clue that you have a dangerous story about your worth as a woman. Believing that something is wrong with you is what makes you feel unattractive to men and it’s a sign that you secretly hate yourself. When you live as though you have to apologzie for who you are, you’ll put up walls to shield you from people seeing into your heart. Many of the women I’ve worked with have had to come face-to-face with their beliefs that they were too thin, too fat, too old, too “high maintenance,” too celibate, and more, and they had to heal that belief before they could even begin to date someone who loved them as much as they loved themselves.

I’m willing to bet that you’re choosing men who treat you the same way you treat yourself. The self-talk you have is not very loving and gives me the sense that you don’t think you even deserve love unless your life is perfect.

It’s time to change your story. 

Author Brene Brown has shown us that the stories we tell ourselves can affect us in destructive ways: 

“The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity, and creativity. Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.” 

So I’m curious: where did you first learn this story? 

  • Was it from the racist, sexist stereotypes about “Baby Mamas” and “Welfare Queens” that we’ve heard politicians, preachers and TV personalities promote in our society (think of shows like Maury)?
  • Was it from church, where they have wrongfully shamed and rejected women who had children without being married?
  • Or did your family someone make you feel like a piece of crap ever since you were a child, and because you decided to give birth to two beautiful children, your family reminds you of your past every day?
  • Did you learn this story of shame and worthlessness because the men who fathered your children did not stay with you?

No matter how you inherited this story, I want you to know that you can defy the ending by choosing to believe that you are lovable just as you are now and that you can attract a husband who will love you and embrace your children as his own. It happens every day. In fact, I work one on one with some single moms, and I’ve not only helped them date successfully (and end up in healthy relationships!), but I’ve helped them create the life and freedom they always wanted! Many of them land higher paying jobs, lose weight, get off of medications, relocate, grow their businesses and more and it’s all because they learned how to change their stories! I want to invite you to fall in love with yourself and focus on everything you’d bring to a relationship. While you continue to work on getting on your feet financially, think about all the ways that the right partner could help you through his love and support, and write them down in a journal. 

Then I want you to write down all the ways YOU will bring value to a good man’s life. I know you’ve heard many relationship “gurus” say you need to bring something to the table. But in reality what makes you wife material has little to do with your accomplishments, your goals or your bank account. What a man considers wife material has to do with how you make him feel when he’s around you. When you have the courage to show up authentically and allow a man to see who you really are, you become amazingly magnetic to him. You’ll capture his heart and he’ll commit to you forever! 

Doing this work is going to create a new story for you that will strengthen your confidence that love is possible for you. Because it is. 

Love and hugs, 

Dr. Aesha