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First Date Dealbreakers That Drive Men Away And How To Avoid Them

By: Aesha Adams-Roberts

I almost blew it with my dream man! We were going to lunch at Panera Bread and I was making small talk as we drove from campus to the restaurant.  Although I was teaching at a university in the Midwest at the time, I had an interview for a position at a university in the South that was coming up and I mentioned it as we chatted. 

Before I met him, I was trying everything in my power to land my dream job in the South. But now things had changed. Even though we weren’t officially dating, I knew that he was the kind of man I had been looking for. I knew that I wasn’t going to take the job but I didn’t tell him that. When I brought up the interview he said, “So this job is just temporary? You’re not really planning on staying here, huh?” 

There must have been something in his voice that made me realize that how I’d respond to his question could either make or break my chances with him. I could tell that he was trying to find out whether or not it was worth it to pursue a relationship with me. 

In other words, if I was serious about moving and he had no desire for a long distance relationship, I might have become less desirable for him.  Why even take time getting to know me if things wouldn’t work out anyway? 

I thought about my answer to his question very carefully.  “Well, I used to really want to move there but now things have changed . . .” Of course I didn’t tell him that he was the reason things had changed, but I wanted him to know that I was available and I was interested!

You might also be in a make or break situation, but you just don’t know it.  Instead, you’re confused and frustrated because the guy you’re dating seems to show you all the signs that he’s attracted to you and then suddenly stops calling! Because you don’t know how to decode a man’s secret language and make him feel intensely attracted to you, you may actually be driving him away.  Most women think, “he must not be into me,” when the fact is they may be sending him signs they’re not interested!

You can avoid first date deal breakers in four ways:

1) Be yourself: Men are deathly afraid that you will change once they commit to you.  So if you pretend to be someone you’re not—self-effacing, always giving, never complaining, always flawless—when the real you comes out, they may pull away from you.

2) Appreciate and encourage him: Everybody wants to feel appreciated. But guys especially want to know that you notice the things they do for you, especially if he really values being a protector and provider. Whether it’s thanking him for taking you to a restaurant you’ve never been to before, or giving him a sincere compliment, your appreciation will show him you're genuinely interested in him.  

3) Listen to him: Not only does this make him feel special and important, but you’ll find out whether he is casually dating or looking for a serious relationship. For example, most people think they need to impress a man on a date and end up talking most of the time. Try listening instead. Ask lots of questions to find out what he likes about what he does for a living, what he does in his free time, what it was like growing up in his family, etc. and you’ll find out what his strengths, needs, interests and goals are.  

Armed with that information, you won’t do what one sister did on a date. She told her date she loved New York and would NEVER leave. He didn't ask her on a second date because he was open to moving. When she found out the real reason he didn't call her back, she was upset and said: "Well, if the right person came along, I'd be willing to move." The problem was her date didn't know that. 

4) Don’t use the date to upstage him. This one-upmanship not only makes him feel like he can’t do anything right, but it also makes you look bad. For example, one sister shot down her date's suggestions for a restaurant and spent the majority of the time talking about herself.  He did not call for a second date because he felt like she was trying to outdo him. And instead of looking impressive, she came across as selfish and controlling.  

These four tips can help you discover if the man you’re dating share the values you’re looking for without accidentally sending him signs that you’re not interested.  

Thanks for reading this far! If you can relate to my story, please share this article! If you don't agree, please leave me a comment below and tell me why 🙂 



Aesha Adams Roberts, PhD teaches secrets to finding and keeping the love of your life. She informs and inspires on a range of relatable topics such as dating, marriage, and family life. Aesha is a highly sought after speaker and is a happily married, homeschooling mom of 2 children.