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He Never Initiates Phone Calls. How Can I Get Him To Be Interested In Me? 

By: Dr. Aesha

I met a man at a conference a few weeks ago. We’ve had a few phone conversations, but he had a business trip and will be gone for a few weeks. He sugested we keep in touch while he’s away (we weren’t able to meet before he left). I have texted him twice while he’s been gone and he responds enthusiastically and leaves a long message but he hasn’t initiated keeping in touch. I don’t feel authentic by texting him when it’s one-sided, but I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by waiting. 

I want to stimulate in him the desire to see me again once he returns, however. Any thoughts on the subject? 

~Linda

 

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Hey Linda,

Yes I have a few thoughts for you, since this is a common question I get from women. 

As a woman, it’s your job to make the first move by flirting, showing you’re interested, and creating opportunities for a man to ask you out. After you’ve connected, it’s completely natural to reach out and call him from time to time, but if he NEVER initiates, it’s a sign something is not right.  

Most men show you who they are by their actions. (There are a few exceptions, but I”ll talk about that later). When you accept this truth you’ll stop those crazy thoughts like,  “I wonder if he likes me…I’ll just send him this text message to let him know I’m thinking about him…Oh no it’s been 2 days, 3 hours, 15 minutes and 7 seconds since he’s texted me back…” 

These anxious thoughts put you into a tail spin and worse yet, put you in seduction mode where you’re trying to “stimulate” him to be interested in you, instead of attraction mode, where you effortlessly attract men and then choose who you want to be with.

Also, since you mentioned you’re not sure if you’re doing the right thing by waiting, I can tell there’s some underlying fear there. Fear that he actually won’t ask you out. Fear that he wasn’t telling the truth. Fear that maybe he’s forgotten you. 

Listening to your question, I can also see the beginning signs of a toxic dating pattern I call “You’re Gonna Love Me.” In it’s full blown pathology, the “You’re Gonna Love Me” pattern looks something like this: 

You’re not your authentic self with a man because you’re trying to be what you think he wants in a woman. You deny your needs and overgive to him. You wait to see if he’ll reciprocate, but ironically, all that over-giving pushes him into the arms of another woman who doesn’t do half of what you’re willing to do. What’s up with that?!

So here’s my advice. Don’t put your love life on hold until this man returns from his business trip. You need to do more than wait around for this man. You need to date. Other people. 

Why? Because this guy might really be busy with his business trip. Maybe he really does want to wait until he returns to connect with you. Or, maybe he’s changed his mind about wanting to go out with you and is only replying so he deson’t hurt your feelings. Maybe he’s a shy guy who is afraid of rejection, so he’s insecure about showing you how much he’s interested in you.

The only thing you know for sure is what he’s showing you through his actions.

So instead of wondering and worrying about it, work on attracting the right man who won’t need to be stimulated to see you by some special text message you’d send. He won’t need to be chased, begged or given an ultimatum to commit either. He’ll do it because he’ll see how amazing you are. 

With love, 

Dr. Aesha