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How To Get Your Groove Back: What To Do If You’ve Lost Yourself In a Relationship

by Dr. Aesha on March 31, 2011

So you've lost your "thing," your swag, the essence of who you are, and you want to know, can I get my groove back?  You may be in a budding new romance, a not-so-happy marriage, or recovering from a divorce; either way, going from "me" to "we" caused you to lose sight of who you are and what you want and need. 

Why does this happen? Many of us women are groomed to put relationship needs first and our own personal needs second (or third or just plain last!).
We try to live up to other people's expectations and we hold ourselves back, afraid that who we truly are will disappoint or even alienate other people. Fearing rejection and loneliness, we give up our dreams to live life with our dream man, trying to convince ourselves that one day we'll return to them. When that day never comes, we find ourselves spending too much time at the B.A.R.– Bitterness, Anger, and Resentment.  The truth is holding yourself back will hold your relationship back!

So what do you do? You don't have to go to an exotic island and have a fling with a younger man to get your groove back. It is possible to keep your relationship and be fully in love with him . . . and with you!  Here are three keys:

1. Forgive
Forgive yourself for giving up your dreams, desires, needs, and goals, and forgive your man for any hurt he caused you. If you don't forgive, you'll stay stuck in the role of the powerless victim or the sacrificial martyr and you'll play the blame game.  The last I checked, a victim, martyr or blamer doesn't have any real power. Part of getting your groove back is reclaiming the power to choose what you want your life to look like and forgiveness is the first step.

2. Design your life
Give yourself permission to live a custom-made, designer life. Get rid of the knockoff life–a life trying to please other people and their unrealistic expectations. Ask yourself: what do I want my life to look like? What's important to me? What do I really enjoy? What kind of fun do I want to have? What do I need to be happy and healthy–spiritually, emotionally, physically? I recommend you write the answers to these questions in a journal and don't hold back.  And let me speak this truth over you: taking care of yourself is not being selfish!   Loving yourself gives you the energy to love others. 

3.  Talk it out
As you're discovering what you want your life to look like, you'll begin to change. You'll want to be honest and open with your man so that he understands why things in your relationship are shifting. Talk with him about your needs, your dreams, and the purpose of your relationship.  Keeping the lines of communication open honors and respects him–and you–because instead of just making changes out of spite, you give him the chance to support you.  He may be surprised that you've felt unsatisfied in your relationship so be patient with him. But you may be surprised at how much he wants to see you happy and how willing he'll be to support you. 

Walking in forgiveness, self-love, and openness will nourishe your soul and strengthen your relationship. Take it step by step and you'll get your groove back in no time!

I want to see you healthy and happy in life and relationships! Please leave me a comment below and tell me how I can serve you. 

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