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Hi Dr. Aesha,

I am a 31 year old Caribbean woman living in Florida. I am having a horrible time dating, especially online dating which is very painful and frustrating for me because I keep hearing from people that online dating is a great place to meet quality men. I’ve watched your Vimeo video about online dating for black women and I completely agree. It seems like women of other races have it so much easier to date quality men, especially online.

I am willing to do what I have to do to find true love so I am initiating emails to men that I am interested in online but I have a couple questions about continuing to do this.

#1- I have always been told and it is noted in so many self-help relationship books that men are the ones to make the first move or else the relationship won’t work in the end because he won’t be the pursuer; that the woman will be treated less than because the guy will subconsciously know that he didn’t have to work in order to get her attention and date her…I initiated my last relationship (which wasn’t online) and eventually the relationship failed because my ex didn’t love me the same way I loved him; I blame myself for initiating a relationship and putting my heart, body and time on the line just to get painfully rejected…are you sure initiating emails with men online is a good idea?

#2- What should I be writing in my email to the men that I am interested in online? I have tried sending winks and emails with no response (I am using eharmony.com)

#3-Are there any dating sites that are better for black women to use over others?

#4—Do you have any programs that would help me date quality men online?

Thank you in advance for reading my email and offering good advice.
Sincerely,

Online Dating Doesn’t Work For Me,
*****

Alright sis, let’s have a virtual coaching session for your online dating struggles: When I work with clients on online dating, we have to deal with 2 areas: First, mindset. Second, strategy.

You’re having a hard time because your mind and heart isn’t in the right place and because you lack certain skills that help you write emails that get the right men to write you back. But because you don’t know this, you’re making a common mistake: Internalizing your struggle (there’s something wrong with me! this is painful and frustrating) and blaming the dating sites (online dating doesn’t work for me!)

So you gotta get your mind right and resolve your love/hate relationship with dating. For you, I hear that you’re projecting the pain of your last relationship onto your current dating experience.

Here’s the thought pattern that’s causing you frustration:

  • I initated my last relationship
  • I loved him more than he loved me
  • I experienced pain and rejection
  • Therefore initiating is bad.

The real issue isn’t about initiating a relationship; it’s about choosing a mate. Your ex was emotionally unavailable or you pushed past red flags, or you didn’t understand that chemistry doesn’t always lead to commitment. Whatever the issue was, you just didn’t know how to choose the right person for you. That can be fixed!

The advice you’ve been reading is really bad and outdated. And you seem to be confusing me saying “send the first email” with “do all of the calling, texting, planning in a relationship.” What I’m suggesting is that you get the conversation going, kind of like saying “hi” in the grocery store, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If a man doesn’t answer or follow up with you, then you know he’s not interested. Easy, right?

Now, to answer your other questions, yes, I have a program that shows you how to choose the right sites, send emails that get a man’s attention and inspires him to pursue you, and position yourself in a pool of high quality men. Once you’re positioned, I’ll teach you how to prepare yourself for a relationship and go through the dating process with confidence that you’ll meet the right partner.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Choose a site that has a culture of singles’ who have the same dating goals. Tinder has a reputation for being a hookup site. MELD is an app for professional black singles and they tend to be more relationship-oriented. No matter which site you choose, you’ll still need to do a good job creating a profile with professional photos and an amazing essay and you’ll need to screen men really well before you even send a first email!
2. I H-A-T-E Eharmony for Black women. I have yet to coach a client who has used that site successfully. Get off of it now and spend your money somewhere else! I have a list of sites that sisters should check out, and I’ll talk more about that in my free training.
3. Sending a wink means nothing online. Don’t you hate it when men do that to you? Your email needs to be specific about something you liked in his profile and it needs to be flirty. Your goal is to get him to smile or laugh and want to come check out your profile. There’s a formula to this thing, girl. Don’t assume you have the skill set already.

Here’s what I recommend you do, join me for a FREE teleclass where I’ll give you amazing tips on how to attract a man who is husband material online and offline! At then of this powerful session, I’ll give you an exclusive invitation to join me for a new journey to master dating so you can meet the man you’re destined to spend the rest of your life with!

I’ll see you there!

Dr. Aesha