I’m Still Hung Up On My Ex. How Do I Move On?
By: Dr. Aesha
Dear Dr. Aesha,
I’ve been dating the same man off and on for 7 years. We tried living together twice but it didn’t work out (1) because I refuse to spend my life cleaning up after a man (2) he lived on Facebook but his page gave no indication that he was in a relationship (3) he disrespected me by staying out all night drinking (he say). We’re not together but we can’t just let each other go. I want to move on and find that special person so what can I do to cut ties because I still have feelings for him and do care about his well being.
I feel sorry for you, sis.
In fact, I can empathize with you. I went back and forth with two of my exes before I had the courage to move on. So let me help you understand why you’re still hung up on your ex and how you can move on and find that special person who will respect and love you.
There are two reasons you’re still attached to your ex:
1) You’ve created a soul tie with him. A soul tie is a deep emotional and spiritual connection that’s formed whenever you become intimate with someone. It’s a natural “side effect” that helps two people bond and stay attached. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a healthy relationship, so what was originally intended to be a great way to stay connected is now keeping you in BONDAGE to a man who isn’t good for you.
2) The reason you are staying connected with him is you’re focusing more on his good qualities than the TRUTH about who he is and how he treats you in the relationship.
It’s called the Pain/Pleasure principle and it explains why we’ll do unhealthy things to get our needs met. Here’s how it works: We move away from things that cause us pain and toward things that give us pleasure, even if we know those pleasureable things will harm us.
Let’s see how this works with food. For example:
You know in your head that eating too much chocolate at midnight is going to show up in your thighs and you won’t be able to fit your cute jeans. You also know too much sugar can rot your teeth, cause diabetes and a host of other health problems that could lead to you dying young. But those chocolate chips taste soooo good! And they help you stop thinking about your problems when you’re stressed out. So you turn to them to get away from the emotional pain of stress and have the pleasure of zoning out and not focusing on your problems.
If you associated chocolate chips with death, would you still eat them? Probably not.
Do you see where I’m going with this, sis?
Your ex is like chocolate chips. You know all the unhealthy things about him: you had to clean up after him, he was acting like he was single on Facebook and he disrespected you and lied to you about where he was all night. However, all of his shortcomings aren’t painful enough for you to let go and move on? Why?
Answer this question: What is your connection to him still giving you? What pleasure is he offering you, even if it’s temporary?
The fact that you still have feelings for a man who mistreated you shows that you haven’t come to terms with the TRUTH about this relationship. He’s still your guilty pleasure and he’s meeting some need you have.
When you associate more pain with being with him than being without him, you’ll have the courage to let go completely.
You’ll also need to break the soul ties by doing a release ritutal. This is where you take your spirit, soul and body through a process of letting go. It’s what I had to do with my exes and it’s what I take my clients through when they’re still hung up on their ex.
Sis, you can want the best for him without being with him. And if you’re serious about having a future with someone else, you’ll need to tell the truth about your relationship with him and make the decision to end it today before it’s too late!