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The Key To Growing and Keeping Intimacy In Your Marriage

By Aesha Adams Roberts


I recently received a short but heartfelt question from one our male readers. He is a newlywed who married the woman of his dreams.  Here's what he asked:



I would pose this "anonymous" question to you: How would a man ask for more intimacy from his wife. Not "sex", but intimacy.


–Name withheld


This is an excellent question because it tears apart the assumption that men only want one thing—sex. You’ve made a clear distinction between intimacy and sex, although I believe that in passionate, committed, marital relationships, intimacy and sex should go together. Without intimacy, sex becomes a routine exercise that can leave one or both of you bored and unfulfilled.  And when one or both of a marriage partner is bored or unfulfilled, it can lead to a relationship crisis.


So how do you grow and keep intimacy in a marriage? My answer might surprise you.


Intimacy in a marriage is about YOU and not your spouse.  Let me explain.


Most couples make the mistake of wanting the other person to change so that she can fulfill his needs, but it doesn’t work that way.  YOU have to change in order to achieve a passionate marriage filled with love and intimacy.


For example, you’ll need to do what it takes to become a man who is not afraid of sharing his deepest thoughts and desires with his wife, asking for what he needs without fear of rejection.  You’ll need to change into a man who won’t give up on his desires, but also won’t withdraw from his wife, or blame her when what he’s asked her for doesn’t happen right away.  You’ll have to become a person who can comfort himself yet stay committed to the relationship if your wife doesn’t quite fulfill your needs yet. 


Something amazing happens when you focus on yourself and not on your wife when it comes to keeping and growing intimacy in your marriage. When you marry, according to Ancient Wisdom, “the two become one.”  In plain English this means that what one person does affects the other person.  The changes you make will affect her and she will be more confident, secure and willing to give you what you need.


This growth process will almost by default increase the intimacy in your marriage in ways you didn’t think were possible!