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Are You Smart, Successful, But Still Single?!

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#MCM: Is The Idris Elba Syndrome Ruining Your Love Life?

By Dr. Aesha

“Oooooh, girl, he’s so fine! Lord, can you make mine like this?!”

This was the way my single girlfriends and I talked to each other after watching a movie with Morris Chestnut in it. Back in the early 2000s, you couldn’t watch a Black chick flick without seeing the tall, dark and handsome Chestnut playing some smooth, suave (and sometimes bad) man who swept the leading lady off her feet. 

I hate to admit it now, but when I wrote out my ideal man list in my 20s, I put “Looks like Morris Chestnut” up near the top of my must-haves.  What I meant was I wanted a tall, successful man who could wine me and dine me and make me feel amazing. 

When I met my husband, he didn’t look anything like Morris (He has been mistaken for former NFL star, Donald Driver, though), but that was ok. I knew I wasn’t marrying a list of traits. I was marrying a human being who adored, respected and understood me! 

Now that Idris Elba has stolen the hearts of women all over the world, I hear many single sistas fantasizing about finding a man just like him.

I call it the Idris Elba Syndrome and if you’re not careful, it can ruin your love life! 

It’s okay if he’s your #MCM man crush, but when it comes to defining your must-haves in the man you’re looking for, be careful that you don’t use Idris as your baseline. 

On one hand, the characters he plays have a lot of qualities that most smart, successful women find irresistible:

•    He’s confident
•    He’s in control
•    He’s cool, calm, and collected
•    And the way he stares deep into your eyes can make any sista swoon! 

But he’s also a bad boy. He’s mysterious, unpredictable, and can leave you breathless. And that’s just the point. Men like the ones Idris Elba plays on the screen can leave you. The relationship is hot, heavy and passionate and over almost as quickly as it started. 

Chemistry cannot create compatibility. Core values and a shared vision for what you want life to look like with your partner can. This space is where true passion and a relationship that lasts is created. And in order to get real compatibility, you have to dig deeper than the traits on some list. 

Take the time to discover who you really are, what makes you tick and what you really need in a man.  

Sistas, throw out the Idris Elba list and give the men who could add real value to your life a chance. 

Need more dating advice? I’m here for you! Leave me a question below. You can ask me anything!