Dear Dr. Aesha,
I’ve been dating a nice guy and he’s starting to grow on me. We are in that honeymoon stage where everything about the person feels amazing. However I feel very insecure about living up to who he thinks I am. There are some serious areas of growth needed in my life. I’ve been working on them but I’m afraid that once he discovers that I’m not as great as he thinks I am now, he’ll leave. Should I end it first and work on me? Should I tell him about these weak points and risk scaring him away?
Sis, you’ve described a common problem in dating I like to call “New Level, New Devil Syndrome.” This is when your fears, insecurities and “what ifs” rise up in you when you finally meet someone who could potentially be a good partner to you. You become aware of all your shortcomings and start to doubt if you’re really worthy of love.
Why does this happen? There are 3 reasons:
- You haven’t dealt with your “Ex-Factor”
Dr. Stephen Poulter describes the ex-factor as “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations” from past relationships (romantic and non-romantic). You’re bringing unresolved emotions into a new relationship and expecting that this one will end in a similar way. Dealing with your ex-factor will help you overcome your fears of this new guy rejecting you.
2. You have fears of vulnerability
Love has a way of revealing our deepest longings…and our most terrifying fears! This is because to receive love from someone, we have to become vulnerable. The same vulnerability which allows us to give and receive love, also puts you at risk to get hurt. You have to learn how to trade your walls for boundaries. That way you can open up but protect your heart at the same time.
3. You have a limited perspective on your insecurities
I heard you say that you feel insecure in the presence of the love of this new man, and this is making you want to hide the deepest parts of who you are. You have it backwards, girl! Your insecurities don’t disqualify you for love. In fact, they reveal your deepest gifts, as Dr. Ken Page, author of the book, Deeper Dating, would say. In other words, the qualities you are most ashamed of and think would scare a man off, are actually gems that make you a rare blessing to everyone around you.
For example, one of my clients thought she needed to work on communicating with men, because her boyfriends always complained that she was too critical whenever she offered her opinions. They’d criticize and demean her whenever she spoke up, so he found herself silencing her voice so she would’t lose their love.
It turns out, everyone else in her life LOVED her advice. They thought that she offered feedback with no judgement and saw her as a compassionate communicator who always thought of other people first.
She was insecure because she saw herself through the judgements of other people. What I told her, and what I’m telling you now, is that the love of the right person will HEAL that insecurity, because they will appreciate and accept what you have to offer.
You don’t have to stop dating, sis, to heal this. You can become so addicted to self-improvement and personal growth, that you never stop to think that you are already enough as you are. Sure, you may need to release some baggage and learn some new skillsets, but you don’t have to fundamentally change who you are to make this new relationship work.
Let this new relationship heal you.
I explain how to get unstuck from the pain of the past so you can move forward in my latest Facebook Live broadcast. Watch below:
Tune in to this dynamic broadcast to discover the two keys you need to unlock our freedom from the past and to move forward into the future love that’s waiting for right now!
At 9:30 You’ll hear the #1 thing you need to do to LET GO of past baggage and use it as a stepping to your future.
At 21:10 You’ll discover that you can’t lose love, and how embracing this truth can help you be open and vulnerable and love like you’ve never been hurt.
You’ll also hear about a revolutionary coaching system that I designed to help you break your destructive dating patterns, heal your heart and put you on the journey to deep “OMG, Is this really happening love” with the right man.
This system was created based on hard-won wisdom from my own journey of overcoming low self-worth, a broken engagement, a humiliating relationship with a guy who cheated on me, and fears of trusting my husband when I met him. I’ve taught these principles to my coaching clients who were instantly set free and went on to create their own successful Black Love story!
What do I get?
3 power-packed modules to teach you how love again, trust again and date again with confidence and joy!
Who is it for?