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We hate spam as much as you do!

Dear Dr. Aesha,

I’ve been dating a nice guy and he’s starting to grow on me. We are in that honeymoon stage where everything about the person feels amazing. However I feel very insecure about living up to who he thinks I am. There are some serious areas of growth needed in my life. I’ve been working on them but I’m afraid that once he discovers that I’m not as great as he thinks I am now, he’ll leave. Should I end it first and work on me? Should I tell him about these weak points and risk scaring him away?

Help!

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Sis, you’ve described a common problem in dating I like to call “New Level, New Devil Syndrome.” This is when your fears, insecurities and “what ifs” rise up in you when you finally meet someone who could potentially be a good partner to you. You become aware of all your shortcomings and start to doubt if you’re really worthy of love.

Why does this happen? There are 3 reasons:

  1. You haven’t dealt with your “Ex-Factor”

Dr. Stephen Poulter describes the ex-factor as “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations” from past relationships (romantic and non-romantic).  You’re bringing unresolved emotions into a new relationship and expecting that this one will end in a similar way.  Dealing with your ex-factor will help you overcome your fears of this new guy rejecting you.

2.  You have fears of vulnerability 

Love has a way of revealing our deepest longings…and our most terrifying fears! This is because to receive love from someone, we have to become vulnerable. The same vulnerability which allows us to give and receive love, also puts you at risk to get hurt. You have to learn how to trade your walls for boundaries. That way you can open up but protect your heart at the same time.

3. You have a limited perspective on your insecurities

I heard you say that you feel insecure in the presence of the love of this new man, and this is making you want to hide the deepest parts of who you are. You have it backwards, girl! Your insecurities don’t disqualify you for love. In fact, they reveal your deepest gifts, as Dr. Ken Page, author of the book, Deeper Dating, would say. In other words, the qualities you are most ashamed of and think would scare a man off, are actually gems that make you a rare blessing to everyone around you.

For example, one of my clients thought she needed to work on communicating with men, because her boyfriends always complained that she was too critical whenever she offered her opinions. They’d criticize and demean her whenever she spoke up, so he found herself silencing her voice so she would’t lose their love.

It turns out, everyone else in her life LOVED her advice. They thought that she offered feedback with no judgement and saw her as a compassionate communicator who always thought of other people first.

She was insecure because she saw herself through the judgements of other people. What I told her, and what I’m telling you now, is that the love of the right person will HEAL that insecurity, because they will appreciate and accept what you have to offer.

You don’t have to stop dating, sis, to heal this. You can become so addicted to self-improvement and personal growth, that you never stop to think that you are already enough as you are. Sure, you may need to release some baggage and learn some new skillsets, but you don’t have to fundamentally change who you are to make this new relationship work.

Let this new relationship heal you. 

I explain how to get unstuck from the pain of the past so you can move forward in my latest Facebook Live broadcast. Watch below:

 

Tune in to this dynamic broadcast to discover the two keys you need to unlock our freedom from the past and to move forward into the future love that’s waiting for right now!

At 9:30 You’ll hear the #1 thing you need to do to LET GO of past baggage and use it as a stepping to your future.

At 21:10 You’ll discover that you can’t lose love, and how embracing this truth can help you be open and vulnerable and love like you’ve never been hurt.

You’ll also hear about a revolutionary coaching system that I designed to help you break your destructive dating patterns, heal your heart and put you on the journey to deep “OMG, Is this really happening love” with the right man.

This system was created based on hard-won wisdom from my own journey of overcoming low self-worth, a broken engagement, a humiliating relationship with a guy who cheated on me, and fears of trusting my husband when I met him. I’ve taught these principles to my coaching clients who were instantly set free and went on to create their own successful Black Love story!

loveagain

What do I get? 

3 power-packed modules to teach you how love again, trust again and date again with confidence and joy!

With this class you’ll have a quantum leap and breakthrough that happens so quickly, you’ll immediately  feel like that monkey on your back has been lifted. This breakthrough will lead you to wholeness and put you on the path to being confident in dating and relationships.
I’ve designed this program to be high energy, yet intimate so that I can personally coach you through your roadblocks to love, instead of you just struggling through a self-help book with that only gives you information without transformation.
You’ve already tried to figure this out on your own. You don’t have to try harder…you need a system that helps you get your head and your heart aligned, saying the same thing, so that you stop allowing the fear of getting hurt again to prevent you from experiencing the kind of love that heals you.
I’m going to walk you step by step through this one, sis. I’ll hold your hand the whole way through

Who is it for? 

* You haven’t been in a real relationship in a loooooong time. You spend most of your weekends home alone, or you keep yourself busy because you don’t feel confident about dating.
*You want what your married friends have: a shoulder to lean on, arms to hold you close at night, a friend to travel with and a family to call your own, but you can’t figure out why it’s not happening for you, even though you have no problem meeting men.
*You want to believe you can fall in love, but the memories of your last breakup keep haunting you and want it to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes again.
*You’re with someone amazing now and you keep feeling your walls and guardedness rising up. You’re scared if he sees the “real you” without the spanx, makeup and positive attitude, he’ll leave.
*You’re taking a break from dating to work on yourself. You’ve figured out some of the mistakes you’ve made in the past, but you can’t figure out the next steps to take.
*You feel broken after that last breakup and you want to know exactly what to work on to recover and learn to trust the right people.
*You’ve on the verge of giving up on love, but something inside of you keeps whispering, “try again. trust again. love again.” You want to believe in love and get it right this time!
This course is perfect for you if you have friends who love you, a life you enjoy, and a career you’re proud of but you’re ready for that missing piece: Your husband, a man who is your best friend and lover all rolled into one, so you can have the family you always dreamed of.
H0w Do I Get It?
Go to http://ReadyToLoveAgain.com to enroll in the course. You’ll get your first audio lesson by email. After that, you’ll weekly emails with the audios and PDF downloads.
Don’t waste any more time, waiting until you feel ready to date. You have to get ready to date by changing how you feel, and this course will walk you through that major shift in as little as 3 weeks.
Hugs,
Dr. Aesha