Hi Dr. Aesha, I am a 31 year old Caribbean woman living in Florida. I am having a horrible time dating, especially online dating which is very painful and frustrating for me because I keep hearing from people that online dating is a great place to meet quality men. I’ve watched your Vimeo video about online dating for black women and I completely agree. It seems like women of other races have it so much easier to date quality men, especially online. I am willing to do what I have to do to find true love so I am initiating emails to men that I am interested in online but I have a couple questions about continuing to do this. #1- I have always been told and it is noted in so many self-help relationship books that men are the ones to make the first move or else the relationship won’t work in the end because he won’t be the pursuer; that the woman will be treated less than because the guy will subconsciously know that he didn’t have to work in order to get her attention and date her…I initiated my last relationship (which wasn’t online) and eventually the relationship failed because my ex didn’t love me the same way I loved him; I blame myself for initiating a relationship and putting my heart, body and time on the line just to get painfully rejected…are you sure initiating emails with men online is a good idea? #2- What should I be writing in my email to the men that I am interested in online? I have tried sending winks...
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As a matchmaker, I’ve experienced first-hand how flaky men can be in today’s modern dating world. It’s happened more than once, actually. Here’s the pattern: A gentleman tells me he’s interested in meeting my client. He goes through the process of being interviewed and screened and even checks his calendar to set up the date. But when it comes time to make the call and actually meet the woman, he shrinks back. Sometimes he’ll disappear. Other times he’ll cancel at the last minute until he finally tells me he’s seeing someone else, even though it’s not quite serious yet and doesn’t want to hurt my client. Yeah, I know. It’ frustrating for my client and for me! The whole reason women work with me is so I can protect them from the heartache, rejection and confusion that comes from dealing with emotionally unavailable men. I’ve made it my mission to learn more about the signs that a man is emotionally unavailable or not, so I can do a better job of screening them out of the dating pool for my clients. I want to pass along what I’ve discovered so you can know what to do when you meet a man who sends you mixed signals. Here’s what’s so tricky about these kinds of guys: They really want relationships and closeness. We all do! So they’ll say things like, “I’m tired of the dating thing. I want to settle down.” They’ll swear up and down they want a wife but they just haven’t met her yet. He may have been dating for a long time and he says he knows what he wants,...
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Hi Dr. Aesha, So it’s a long story but I really could use some advice. I’ve been engaged to a man for over a year. However we have known each other for 23 years. He was a single father and I was a single mother when we got together. Anyways, he suffers from OCD and not the typical type some have but the one like Howie Mandel. It’s so bad that his temper gets the best of him at times and he can’t stay off a schedule. But it is one of the things that challenges our relationship. Another challenge is infidelity. I have trust issues from my past, I will admit, but in the beginning and throughout our relationship, he had received texts and calls from these random females who he either went on a date with, had sexual relations with or just flirted with. One who he claims he only went on a date with bothers me the most because last September she emailed him asking why he blocked her from social media, and if it was because he was engaged to me and still talking to her. I confronted him on this and he denied it but it caused him to start questioning our relationship. At this time, I put the ball in his court and told him to decide if he wanted to make a commitment to me and our family (we are expecting a child) or does he want to go back to the life he was living, as a bachelor sleeping with different women. He stated he needed time to think on this....
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Dear Dr. Aesha, I’ve been in a relationship (we have not verbally talked exclusivity but his actions imply that, however I’m not one to go on assumptions) with a man since August 2015. His work takes him overseas for 3-6 months at a time. We definitely have been intimate since we met and since he left for work he has been great at communicating, Skyping…we talk pretty often considering the distance….and he’s definitely made an effort. All of his actions would lead one to think that we’re together and there is no one else. He was home for Christmas 2015 and he definitely made time for me…I can’t complain. However, a friend told me to guard my heart as the night we met (on a Saturday) at his birthday party, a childhood friend stayed the night with him and she has been aggressively pursuing him ever since. Now, I can’t say anything about her spending the night as I didn’t have a dog in the fight at that time even though he did show interest in me and asked for him and I to hang out the following day. Honestly, so far, he has not shown me or given me a reason to think he’s doing anything dishonest or shady. He returns home in March 2016 and my intent is to definitely find out what we’re doing. Is this heading somewhere, as I have developed feelings for him and I don’t want to waste any time. I’ll be 40 and he’ll be 56 this year. I have no issue with the age difference and to be honest one of the...
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Dr. Aesha, I met a doctor in 2014 and I believed we connected. After a while communication seemed to dry up. I would not hear from him for days and I did not like the idea being the one to be initiating contact all the time. Fast forward to October 2015, he told me he was going overseas for a few weeks for studies and when he got back, we would meet up. He texted me while away, however when he came back I did not hear from him. I later found out he resigned from his job due to some unresolved issues with his employer. He got a job offer for three to four months overseas. I tried contacting him via SMS, however he never responded. I got a contact number for him and called him after Christmas and he was very upset, asking me how I got that number and because I work in the Telecoms industry he is of the view I accessed his record. He requested that I not try to contact him again or he will report me. I am a bit confused as to how things came crashing like this. Was I seeking closure or being desperate? ~Kanesh ***** Oh, Kanesha. I feel for you sis. You forgot my #1 cardinal rule of dealing with men: Talk is cheap and actions speak! This man wasn’t really into you. He stopped calling after you first “connected.” He promised to meet up with you when he returned to the States and he didn’t keep his word. And then he threatened to report you after you tracked...
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Hi, Dr. Aesha! I am 28, single, no kids, educated, funny, down to earth, outgoing, and get told I am very attractive daily. Yet, I have never been asked out. I am a sneaker, flannel, sweats type girl. Do I need to wear dresses? I go to church, travel, like to talk to people, I volunteer, love parks, concerts, hiking, site seeing, and more. I have also relocated for more opportunities in my field. I have met cool people here, and made some great friends. I have even introduced myself, and started up a simple conversation with guys that I find attractive. I have even tried to switch up what I like in my mind. One guy was heavier, and all…but they don’t look my way. I will admit, I am very sad about this. I am in therapy, and have gotten back into shape. I have never been heavier, just wanted to tone up a little since I have a military background. Dr. Aesha what am I doing wrong? I have tried online dating, but it has been creep after creep. I have went to gatherings, to see if there would be anyone my age. I think my tomboy style may have me in the home girl category. I do love maxi dresses too. I have even tried to flirt a little like hugs, smiling, making jokes, and more. I have always been the third wheel sibling. My siblings wear dresses, and have went on dates and all…yet I feel so invisible. Sincerely, Feeling hopeless. **** Let’s see how I can help a sista out! I’ve worked with...
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Hello Dr. Aesha, Approximately 3 years ago I went through a divorce after 13 years of marriage. Prior to getting divorced, my ex and I had been separated for a little over a year. During our separation my wife started seeing someone else and I was devastated. Needless to say she was not willing to work things out between her and I, therefore she went through with the divorce. Eventually I met this amazing woman. The love that she gives is bigger than life itself. Any man in his right mind would want a woman like her in their corner. She really was all that I could ever hope for in a relationship and I Loved her dearly. I truly thought that I was ready for a relationship but the reality is I hadn’t fully dealt with the emotional baggage that came with getting divorced. It’s not that I wasn’t over my ex because at this point in time I was. I was truly in love with the new woman of my life and I still am til this very day, but I let my past interfere with my ability to be open and vulnerable to all that she was offering. I truly believe that I pushed away one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my life. Since then I have had so much time to reflect, do a lot of soul searching and deal with the issues of my past. Now fast forward two years later… I can see with so much clarity and conviction. I know I belong with her. Of course...
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Hello Dr. Aesha, I am 37, single, never had a boyfriend and a virgin. I grew up in the church and have been taught to save yourself for marriage. However, do men really see this as a gift to them on the wedding night? DO they really care about your virginity? Abstaining & Waiting ***** I’m curious… Have you been taught to remain a virgin because if you don’t, a man won’t want you? Well, that’s a lie. Have you been taught that your virginity makes you “pure” and righteous before God? That’s a lie too. The problem I have with the way sex and sexuality is taught in the church is there is a lot of shame surrounding the message. Sex is looked at as something dirty and shameful, when in reality, sexuality is a part of who we are. Let’s be clear: God does care about our morality, including our sexual morality and His highest purpose is for sex to be enjoyed between husband and wife. But I want to state something that may shock some people: Your virginity does not get you into heaven. It doesn’t make you righteous before God. If you’re a Christian, what makes you righteous is faith in Jesus. That’s it. So I want you to repurpose your virginity. It isn’t about a gift you’re giving to a man. It’s about a powerful decision you’ve made about how you are going to 1) walk before your God 2) define your sexuality 3) relate to men who aren’t your husband vs the man who will be your husband. In other words, this isn’t about...
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