Dr. Aesha— I see you often proclaim that your husband proposed in 11 short months despite originally shying away front the thought of marriage. However, just about every piece of advice I’ve found, including from your articles, encourages women not to waste their time with men who make it clear from the beginning that marriage is not on the menu…So, which one is it? Should I still communicate with and remain open to a man who isn’t interested in marriage or do I pack my bags and avoid wasting my time? *************************** First, let me clarify something in my love story. My husband was interested in marriage. He wasn’t, however, actively looking for a wife, and he wanted me to know that upfront. Second, there’s a big difference between a man who isn’t ready for marriage and someone who doesn’t believe in marriage. My husband was marriage-minded but wasn’t relationship-ready, which is why I continued to see him, although I didn’t open up my heart to him until after we’d had conversations about where we were headed in the future. I knew he wasn’t just a commitment-phobe because we had in-depth conversations about what we both wanted in the future and he talked about having a family of his own. Once we became official, I went into the relationship knowing full well that we were working toward marriage. So how can you tell if a man doesn’t believe in marriage? Here are 3 warning signs: 1. He tries to convince you that marriage is just a piece of paper. If you ask your man when you’re getting married and he says, “Come...
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Hi Dr. Aesha, I have a complicated dating question. I have a crush on a friend. A very good friend. I literally liked him the moment I saw him. Not sexual attraction, but I could read that he had a good spirit. I met him because one of his best friends and I dated for a month (!) BUT we both decided very quickly that we weren’t a good fit (he’s since moved out of state and is happily involved). Over the last few years, him and I became relatively close, and usually hang out in groups. I still like him but I’m more sensitive and guarded since a bad situationship, so I’m more avoidant. I definitely care for him sincerely as a friend. I would say we have a special connection, but if he were interested, he would have said so already. I just want to let it go now. One of our mutual friends thinks he likes me but that he can’t tell that I like him so he won’t say anything to mess up our friendship. She is suggesting I let him know before I let it go. NOW – I don’t believe in pursuing men at all ESPECIALLY if the stakes are this high (I could be rejected, lose a friend, things could get terribly awkward) but I also know that nothing good comes without some risk. What do you think? ***** Hey sis, I can’t tell you exactly what to do, but I can help you think through some things that may have prevented your friendship from blossoming into a romantic relationship. First...
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I got this question in my Ask Dr. Aesha inbox the other day: “How are you to feel about men you disqualified as a good match for yourself, and then they turn around and start dating other women and do everything you wanted or were waiting or were expecting them to do with you? I’m trying not to take it personal that a guy who was just kinda always texting me (but never making clear plans, clear intentions and then stopped with the vague things once I told him I need clarity) just started dating someone who he seems to be doing all that with? Is it me? Did I come off too strong? This is an all-too-common problem in modern dating. You meet someone. He texts you every day. You think he likes you. You kinda like him. He keeps you in a grey area, always hanging out, never defining this “texting” relationship, never making plans in advance to go on a real date. You communicate directly that you’re looking for a relationship and you need clarity. He disappears. You find out he’s in a relationship with someone else and is doing all the things you desired from him. It feels like rejection! Why weren’t YOU good enough for a relationship? You start comparing yourself to the other woman. What does she have that I don’t? You begin to feel insecure. Was it something I said? You remember the pain from the last time a guy did this to you, and your belief that all men will eventually hurt you is strengthened. Let me help you with this. It’s not you....
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You just want to love and be loved. So why is it so hard to attract a good man who believes in commitment when you’re a successful Black woman? On this training call, I’m going to tell you what most relationship and dating gurus never dare to expose: the truth about why dating is so challenging when you’re a highly educated, high achieving, purpose driven, successful sista. (Yes, your suspicions were correct, girl!) On this free call, you will discover: The very simple, PROVEN system my clients have followed that resulted in 90% of them being engaged, in long-term relationships or actively dating (2-4 dates per week) in the last 12 months Why 100% of my successful clients report feeling more confident, peaceful and in control of their futures with the skill set to have options in dating instead setting for any ole person that comes along Why successful singles avoid dating by focusing on their careers, families and other activities, and how they used my amazingly supportive coaching system to break their patterns of hiding, putting themselves last, dating the wrong men or feeling anxious about whether a relationship would really work out. Why I’m getting DMs, emails, and invites saying “thank you,” “I wouldn’t have met him if it weren’t for you,” and even “I’m getting married in 2 weeks!” How you can create an action plan that you can execute within the remaining months of this year and begin building a brand new love life from scratch Make sure you register now! <<CLICK HERE>> Then put this preview call on your calendar right away. Date: Wednesday, September 28, 2016 Time: 9 PM EST Look, I know you’re busy so if you can’t make it...
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“I’m 57. Booty calls are a dime a dozen, but a relationship worth having is rare at my age.” This comment came from one of Facebook followers. Yes, when you’re smart, successful and dating in your 50s you face a unique dating pool. I’ve worked with some women who are Fab & Fifty who have never been married and others who are re-entering the dating scene after a divorce or death of a spouse. What they’ve encountered are men who still haven’t matured (yes, age isn’t an indication a man has grown up yet!) or who are wanting to date around because they were married for most of their lives and now want to just “be friends” and “enjoy one another’s company.” Some have emotional and financial baggage and are trying to recover from a divorce or a lifetime of poor financial choices. When they do meet a man who wants a wife, these men are often looking for a younger woman or they act like old men who are so set in their traditional ways and just want someone to cook, clean, and play nurse when they get sick. Some of them really are sick, like the man Essie was seeing. “He said with all of his health issues, he wasn’t sure he wanted to involve me in that. But he’s happy to have my company.” But it is possible to meet a partner in your 50s! Let me share tips from the work I’ve done with a client named Essie (not her real name) 1. Reinvent yourself Using my Making Room For The One System, we took...
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“Maybe it’s just not meant to be.” I could hear the hopelessness in her voice, even though she tried to convince me she was happy being single. My former roommate was approaching the age of 40 and she was freaking out because she hadn’t found a husband. Her biological clock was ticking and since she didn’t have any prospects, she figured it’d be easier to just give up on her dreams instead of holding on to hope that she’d find real love. I couldn’t let her give up. She was my sister-friend, and she deserved to be happy. She was beautiful, talented, giving, and a successful career woman. I knew she would make a great wife and mom. We were hanging out in her master bedroom, with me watching her as she was cleaning out her cluttered closets. All of a sudden, I blurted out: “You gotta make room for love! Just like you’re cleaning out your closets, you gotta clean out your life so the right man can come in.” Then I told her I could see her holding a beautiful baby boy with big, round eyes. Later that day, we went to the mall. As soon as we stepped through the doors, we saw a sign that read, “MAKE ROOM.” The building was being renovated and these signs were everywhere we looked. I knew it was a divine download. God was giving my sister-friend a lifeline of hope, but it was up to her to reach out and take it. In a few short months, my sister-friend called me. She’d met someone! They got married a year later and she asked me to pray for her as they...
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“I feel like I’m behind all my friends! They’re either married, having a family, or planning a wedding. One of my friends is getting married a second time. I can’t even get one man to marry me! “ “I’m not sure if marriage is for me. Maybe I should focus on work and wait until my kid are grown.” Both of these statements came from 2 different clients, both in their 30s, who had discovered that dating wasn’t what they’d expected it to be. They were on opposite sides of 35, but both women found themselves frustrated with their experience with love. Dating in your 30s usually isn’t what you expected to be, especially if you thought you’d be married by now ( Or maybe you thought the first time you said “I do” would have lasted forever). Now that you’re on the dating scene you’ve discovered that kids complicate things because you already have them, don’t want them, or can’t have them, and the men out there don’t always know how they feel about that. You also expected to date your peers, but sometimes those men don’t quite have their lives together yet. You’re growing in your career, you’ve put down roots and you’ve got a future to consider. Security is a big deal to you, and you may have been tempted to settle down with someone just because he’s got a house, a car and a stable job. You experience a cocktail of emotions like anxiety, excitement and recurring disappointment as you see your 40s quickly approaching and you’re still without a partner. You also may have some regrets...
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Meet Loretta. A beautiful sista in her mid 20s who is a boss in her male-dominated career. She was already making more money in her 20s than most people make after working 20 years at the same job. She’d traveled the world, was admired by her family and friends, and wanted to get married and have a family someday. We met at an Italian restaurant to talk about how I could help her meet and date quality men. She was stunning, her smile was radiant and she turned heads as she walked from the lobby to the table. Our waiter kept flirting with her, but she wasn’t giving him the time of day. After our appetizers, I asked her what her challenges were in relationships. Before I knew it, she was fighting back tears. She’d had a long-term relationship in college that ended after she realized she didn’t really love him and that she wanted to focus on her career. Moving to a new city brought on the revelation and she had a lot of guilt about how that relationship ended. When it was time to start meeting people, she realized that dating wore her out! She didn’t really trust new men, so she friend-zoned them and watched how they treated her before she decided she’d give them a chance at being her boyfriend. She gave all kinds of men a shot, believing that she could help some of them change. One man really broke her heart and her soul, though. She fell in love with him because of his “potential,” only to realize that he was insecure, controlling—and...
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