“I don’t need a man. I’m fine with or without one!” If I had a nickel for each time I’ve heard a single sister say this, I’d have another stream of income! I get that we’ve been taught by our mamas, grandmamas and auntie’s ‘nem that we don’t need a man. Some women have even told me it was the father figures in their lives who taught them to be independent. Our family was trying to ensure our survival so that if we ended up abandoned, abused or mistreated, we could still make it in this world. But here’s the thing: This mantra that you don’t need a man was designed to help you survive. And that means that it was birthed from pain, pain that was passed on from generation to generation. We can’t allow our pain to define us. You may have been hurt by a man, but you have to make a decision that you won’t let the past affect your future happiness. When you don’t need a man, it shows. I can’t tell you how many women have told me that they’ve gotten into their 40s and 50s desiring a relationship and when they asked men in their lives if they had any single friends to introduce them to, the fellas would say, “Wow, I didn’t know you wanted a relationship. You look like you were fine by yourself!” If you want a relationship, you’re going to have to have a “come to Jesus” moment and flip the script on your beliefs about wanting a man vs needing a man. Needing a man ain’t so bad,...
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Being single is hard. That’s what one blogger, Emma Lindsay, shared in a deeply moving, soul-bearing piece that is now breaking the Internet. Single ladies everywhere put their hands up—not to declare that a man needed to put a ring on it—but to bear witness to the pain of doing life alone. Women especially resonated with Lindsay’s discovery that the myth of self-sufficient, Independent woman crumbles when you’re faced with the devastating loneliness of returning to an empty apartment at the end of a long day. Who brings you a bowl of soup when you’re sick? Who checks in on you to make sure you have everything you need during a snow storm? Who is there to hold you while you vent about the horrible thing your boss said to you at work today? Who is there to celebrate when you get the promotion? But the worse part, Lindsay said, was that you can go weeks, months or years without anyone touching you. No, she’s wasn’t talking about sexual touch. She’s was talking about the basic human need to have someone touch your arm and ask you, “How was your day?” Think about it. Touch is one of the first senses we develop as infants. Skin-to-skin contact sparks a chain of chemical reactions in that infant, which helps to foster better emotional and physical wellbeing. But those emotional needs that touch fulfills don’t go away after childhood. Take the case of Candice Benbow. As a writer and Ph.D. student at Princeton Theological Seminary, Benbow responded to Lindsay’s piece from the perspective of a black Christian single woman who has been made to feel...
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Today I’m celebrating my 10 year anniversary with my husband and in the midst of the celebration, I couldn’t help thinking about you. No, I’m not going to tell you the 10 things I’ve learned in 10 years of marriage. Instead, I’m going to give you the message that someone gave to me when my heart was longing for a safe place and I couldn’t see beyond the broken promises which led to my broken heart: It’s time to be happy again. How did I find happiness after heartbreak? In the last 10 years, I’ve moved to three different parts of the country and some of the boxes have moved with me each time. While I was sorting through the piles of papers, photocopied articles, and classroom notes from the time I was a college professor, I found some of my journals where I had recorded the good, bad, and ugly aspects of my life when I was single. One journal entry marked 12-6-05 really stood out to me. I had met the man of my dreams two months earlier, but apparently I had a lot of doubts, questions, and fears: Is he the one, I wondered? To get clarity on what I was feeling, I picked up a pen and wrote: “I’m still nervous about him for a couple of reasons: 1) My track record isn’t too hot when it comes to choosing men. I get a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing. 2) When I would let my guard down and trust someone that’s when something bad would happen. I don’t want to be disappointed again. 3) I’m not sure...
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Hi Dr. Aesha: I went on 2 dates with a guy who is clearly a Beta male. He desires to please me and the dates were awesome. Although he doesn’t meet some of my preferences, he mentioned that he is willing to change in order to win me (e.g. healthier lifestyle, religious practice). Should I be concerned that this man is only changing for me and not being true to himself? ***** Hey sis, Here’s the thing about Beta men: they really want to please you! It’s hard for a man to separate his emotions from your happiness. When you’re not happy, he thinks, “I’m not good enough because I can’t please this woman.” He’ll start to put pressure on himself and it can begin to affect how he relates to you. If he believes he can’t please you, he won’t commit. Sometimes this drive to please you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his experiences with other women, especially his mother. It’s called The Imago and it’s powerful to help understand men, relationships and commitment. IT goes something like this. We look for people who either recreate our childhood or who we perceive will fill in the gaps of what was missing during our early years. We’re looking for the kind of love that feels familiar to us. Some men were around women who were never satisfied and therefore experienced a lot of rejection. They spend a lot of time associating their manhood with their ability to win over a woman. This may or may not be the case with the gentleman you’ve started to...
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We have to talk about it.I wish I could tell you that you’ll never go through a heartache, disappointment, or a breakup again, but it’s often part of the journey to meeting The One. In fact, some of the women I’ve helped to let go of the past, learn to date and even meet a quality man, end up breaking up with that man. They’re usually devastated because they knew in their heart this man was The One. How can this be? Well sometimes you meet a better one before you meet The One but the relationship just wasn’t meant to be. Other times, you pushed past red flags that revealed this man wasn’t a good fit for you. And still other times, you were blindsided by something HE did to hurt you. But getting past the breakup so that you feel confident and want to start dating again isn’t as easy to quoting clichés, like “time heals all wounds” or “there are plenty of fish in the sea” is it? I know, not only because I’ve had to overcome a broken engagement myself before going on to meet my husband, but I’ve also worked one-on-one with sisters helping them heal their hearts and learn to love again. If you’re feeling let down by love and you’ve decided to take a break from dating (or just give it up all together) because you just can’t see past your present pain and imagine a future with a someone who will love, respect and cherish you, then I want to share with you 3 tips that I use with my clients when we’re working together. They’re called the 3P’s and they...
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“I just don’t know what love is supposed to look like.” This beautiful, almost 40-year old sister was explaining to me why she stayed in an on-again, off-again relationship that lasted just under 10 years. She wanted to be married and have a family and thought that she’d be living the dream by now. However, she found herself stuck in a destructive cycle. She’d breakup with her boyfriend when she got tired of having to be there to fix his latest crisis. Taking care of his problems made her feel more like his mama than his girlfriend, and what’s more, she noticed that when she needed him to support her, he was never there. After holding on to hope that he’d change, she’d realize he was stuck in his ways, get fed up and walk away. But she always came back. After dating a few people, she’d get this unnerving feeling that there wasn’t anyone else out there who would “get her.” She knew this relationship with her ex was dysfunctional but it was comfortable to her. She knew what to expect from her partner and had figured out ways to deal with the drama. It was like the old saying, “better to be with the devil you know instead of the devil you don’t know.” Even though I told her that there are millions of singles in the dating pool today, and at least half a dozen men who would love to be in a real relationship with her, she was willing to keep the doors open to her ex because she couldn’t imagine that a healthy, passionate, secure relationship was even possible. Does...
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I was heartbroken. In less than 24 hours, this man went from “You’re my wife!” to “I need to think things over.” As I wept in the car outside his apartment, I asked him what he meant by that, although in my heart, I knew the truth. The next few weeks were hell. I cried hot tears every night, and a few seeped out while I was in my cubicle surrounded by my grad school peers. “How did I get here…again?!” I kept asking myself. I saw the signs about this guy, but I ignored them. He didn’t have a steady job. “But he has dreams to be a recording artist,” I reasoned. He had a daughter by another woman that he didn’t ever see or support. “I’ll be able to influence him,” I thought. He picked fights with me, called me names like “Lazy bum,” and put me down for getting a PhD, claiming that I used big words on him on purpose and that I hid behind my work instead of spending time with him. “He’ll change in time,” I decided. He pushed me to become sexual, even when I said no. “It’ll be alright because we’re getting married,” I hoped. My pain turned to anger as I thought about how much I’d compromised to be with him. I’d given so much of my time, money (he actually asked for my credit card to go shopping!) and body. I allowed myself to open up to another man after healing from a broken engagement and here I was, devastated, broken and alone. Although the breakup was one of the worst experiences of my...
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Hi Dr.Aesha, Is it me or is the dating pool for black women getting pretty non-existent? A little background on me: I’m single, 31 y/o black female, traditional christian beliefs, no kids. I do love our black men, but have come to the resolution that maybe I am not meant to date them. This is not to bash them, but i feel like it is taboo to talk to even my friends about this because they don’t understand what it’s like to truly ” walk in life based on your beliefs. Most of my friends have my beliefs, but are very compromising, because they have men. For example, I believe if a man cheats on you then it’s an automatic breakup…especially since you (the woman have not cheated)…but these women are willing to have “half a man” than none. So I’m at a point where I’m being told by men ” no one is perfect”…and the women are saying “girl all men cheat”. To me being “perfect” and not cheating are two different things. It is very isolating (but I won’t let up) to truly live a life that is consistent with your beliefs. I have, however, noticed that when I talk to women from different cultures that they share my beliefs and are steadfast. In fact, having a “standard” is promoted by the family and is expected. It is so surreal to see and feel the difference in how women are valued..and how families nurture their daughters in other cultures. As I get older, I truly appreciate the value of being patient and letting God control my destiny....
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