Hi Dr.Aesha, Is it me or is the dating pool for black women getting pretty non-existent? A little background on me: I’m single, 31 y/o black female, traditional christian beliefs, no kids. I do love our black men, but have come to the resolution that maybe I am not meant to date them. This is not to bash them, but i feel like it is taboo to talk to even my friends about this because they don’t understand what it’s like to truly ” walk in life based on your beliefs. Most of my friends have my beliefs, but are very compromising, because they have men. For example, I believe if a man cheats on you then it’s an automatic breakup…especially since you (the woman have not cheated)…but these women are willing to have “half a man” than none. So I’m at a point where I’m being told by men ” no one is perfect”…and the women are saying “girl all men cheat”. To me being “perfect” and not cheating are two different things. It is very isolating (but I won’t let up) to truly live a life that is consistent with your beliefs. I have, however, noticed that when I talk to women from different cultures that they share my beliefs and are steadfast. In fact, having a “standard” is promoted by the family and is expected. It is so surreal to see and feel the difference in how women are valued..and how families nurture their daughters in other cultures. As I get older, I truly appreciate the value of being patient and letting God control my destiny....
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I was recently in the barbershop and was talking with a man who has been in a relationship for 10 years. He was telling me all the things that annoyed him about his girlfriend. She wants to get married, but he’s been feeling unsure. “I’ll give our relationship another year or two and then I think I’m out. I’m a man. I can get another woman no matter my age!” he said. I was so upset with this guy. I told him “This is why I teach sisters to date differently. The last thing they need to do is waste their time with someone who isn’t go to marry them!” I’ve made it my mission to help you never waste your time again because you’ve invested your heart, energy, time and money into a relationship that isn’t going to result in marriage. But to do that, I have to share some truths that make tick you off. One of the biggest reasons why you waste time with the wrong men is because you chose him. Plain and simple. The good news is, you can learn to make different choices and it all starts with understanding how men think, talk and behave when it comes to commitment. Let me share with you the profiles of 4 types of men you’ll meet while dating, so that you’ll instantly know whether or not you should invest your time into a relationship. 1. The Player You may think you know how to spot The Player, but he comes in all shapes and sizes. Even the smartest sister can get fooled by him unless...
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Hello Dr.Aesha! I’ve recently (about 6 months ago) decided that I don’t want to date anymore. I am completely in love with love and am genuinely happy for those who have it. I personally don’t want to try anymore. I am beyond tired of failing in relationships and I don’t have the energy to repeat them. Those relationships ended with me always asking myself “What’s wrong with me & why wasn’t I enough”! The last one not only hurt my heart but crushed my soul because I felt dumb for actually believing him when he said he loved and wanted to marry me (he married a woman he knew for less than one year). The thought of “possibly” having my heart hurt again is terrifying & has numbed me. Is this normal behavior and is it possible that my feelings may change in the future? Thank you! ******* Girl, let me first say I”m so sorry you’ve experienced such pain in love and relationships. You asked me if it’s normal to feel this way. No, having someone mistreat you should not be your normal. But unformatunaly, heartbreak and betray in relationships is something almost everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem isn’t that we get hurt. It’s what we do with the hurt that matters. I perceive that you’re stuck in the hurt-hide-hopeless pattern, which I’ve witnessed many women get in when they swear off love and dating. First you experience soul-crushing pain from someone you opened your heart to. The wound runs deep because you’ve already been through hell and back in relationships and it took...
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Hi Dr. Aesha,I love your warm words of wisdom on your Facebook page. I have two children by two different men and neither one of them is in my children’s life. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in my relationships. I’m a good woman but I can’t seem to find a good man. Sometimes I feel so unattractive, and feel like I will never meet anybody…Who would date a woman with two kids? I ask myself that daily. My mother and I live together. Do you feel that is one of the reasons why my mate is not approaching me? I have a job, a car and I’m good in every other category. The only thing that I lack is my own place. Can you please help figure out why I can’t find that true man? Feeling hopeless. ***** My beautiful sister, I’m so glad you asked me this question, because it’s one I hear from my single moms All. The. Time. If you’re asking yourself who would want a woman with two children every single day, that’s a big clue that you have a dangerous story about your worth as a woman. Believing that something is wrong with you is what makes you feel unattractive to men and it’s a sign that you secretly hate yourself. When you live as though you have to apologzie for who you are, you’ll put up walls to shield you from people seeing into your heart. Many of the women I’ve worked with have had to come face-to-face with their beliefs that they were too thin, too fat, too old, too “high maintenance,” too celibate, and more, and they had to heal...
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Despite what you may have heard about Black women and marriage, I have good news. First, let’s deal with the so-called bad news that you’ve probably been hearing in the media for the past 6 years. In 2009, two researchers from Yale University released findings from a study in which only 42% of Black women were married. The media began running stories with titles like “Marriage Eludes High Achieving Black Women,” and “Why Are There So Many Single Black Females?” These stories made it seem like Black women were doomed to single life. Everybody was trying to figure out why it was so hard for sisters to find a husband. We started hearing things like: Black men are intimidated by strong Black women Black men make less than Black women and therefore aren’t suitable partners Black men prefer to marry outside their race–they just don’t want Black women With news like this, it’s easy to start feeling like something’s wrong with you! Unfortunately, many sisters have been believing these myths. I hear it expressed in the fears and frustrations of women I meet every day. I’ve even read a blog post written by a sister in her 20s who is finishing up graduate school who concluded that based on the research, she probably wasn’t ever going to get married. She was quitting before she even got started! This is the danger in letting stats and stories shape your beliefs about yourself, the opposite sex and about marriage. It’s not your fault, though. It’s easy to get caught up in the story that if you’re educated, Black and single, then...
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So you meet a great guy and feel you have instant chemistry. I mean there’s butterflies and fireworks, and you’ve been inseparable since the day you met. But is this enough to make a relationship last? Watch this Facebook Live stream when I share the top 2 reasons why “we have chemistry” is not a good way to pick a life partner and what you should look for instead. Be sure and leave a comment below!...
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There’s a really popular saying promoted by leaders who give Christian singles advice. “If bae don’t pray, bae can’t stay!” You’ll hear preachers shout it at Christian conferences and see it worn by women on cute v-neck t-shirts and the message behind this mantra is this: A man may be interested in you. He may be professional, handsome, and respectful. But if he doesn’t show you he has a relationship with God, you can’t date him! I’m a dating coach and matchmaker who works with Christian singles. I’ve also been preaching and leading worship since I was 17 years old and I’m married to an amazing man who is an ordained elder. I say this because I’m on board with teaching women how to protect themselves from men who have the wrong intentions, and for marriages where the couple is equally yoked. At the same time, I believe that sisters need love, too. So I’ve got a few problems with this “bae ain’t bae if he don’t pray,” mantra. First of all, it’s mainly directed toward women who make up 80-90% of churches, and not to men who are missing from the discussion. Secondly, most of the teachings about dating and relationships within churches are centered on what women shouldn’t do. Don’t date, wait! Don’t use online dating, it’s a sin. Don’t worry about when your husband is going to come. Just serve God! Meanwhile, no one is discussing the elephant in the sanctuary: There aren’t very many men within churches for single ladies to choose in the first place! So while pronouncing that you won’t give a man any play if he...
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A sister recently told me, “I just don’t know what love is supposed to look like.” She was explaining to me why she stayed in an on-again, off-again relationship that lasted almost 10 years. She’d breakup with him because she felt more like his mother than his girlfriend, always there to fix his latest crisis. He never reciprocated and in fact, didn’t want to do the normal things couples should do, like spend time together, meet each other’s families, and make plans for the future. But she’d return to him because she didn’t think there was anyone else out there who would “get her” like he did. Even though I pointed out there are millions of singles in the dating pool today, and at least a dozen of them would love to be in a real relationship with her, she was willing to keep the doors open to her ex because she couldn’t imagine being in a passionate, fun, safe relationship. Can you relate? Well let me paint the picture of what’s not only possible for you, but if you truly believe, can be inevitable. Just imagine: You meet a man who not only has great character, but you’re physically attracted to him as well. He initiates phone calls. He plans dates. He’s consistent and wants to be exclusive with you. He acts like he can’t wait to see you again, and he’s upset when you have to part ways. When you talk to him about his relationship goals, he’s upfront about what he’s looking for right now. He respects your sexual boundaries, and doesn’t run away when you communicate that to him. If he...
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