There’s a really popular saying promoted by leaders who give Christian singles advice. “If bae don’t pray, bae can’t stay!” You’ll hear preachers shout it at Christian conferences and see it worn by women on cute v-neck t-shirts and the message behind this mantra is this: A man may be interested in you. He may be professional, handsome, and respectful. But if he doesn’t show you he has a relationship with God, you can’t date him! I’m a dating coach and matchmaker who works with Christian singles. I’ve also been preaching and leading worship since I was 17 years old and I’m married to an amazing man who is an ordained elder. I say this because I’m on board with teaching women how to protect themselves from men who have the wrong intentions, and for marriages where the couple is equally yoked. At the same time, I believe that sisters need love, too. So I’ve got a few problems with this “bae ain’t bae if he don’t pray,” mantra. First of all, it’s mainly directed toward women who make up 80-90% of churches, and not to men who are missing from the discussion. Secondly, most of the teachings about dating and relationships within churches are centered on what women shouldn’t do. Don’t date, wait! Don’t use online dating, it’s a sin. Don’t worry about when your husband is going to come. Just serve God! Meanwhile, no one is discussing the elephant in the sanctuary: There aren’t very many men within churches for single ladies to choose in the first place! So while pronouncing that you won’t give a man any play if he...
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A sister recently told me, “I just don’t know what love is supposed to look like.” She was explaining to me why she stayed in an on-again, off-again relationship that lasted almost 10 years. She’d breakup with him because she felt more like his mother than his girlfriend, always there to fix his latest crisis. He never reciprocated and in fact, didn’t want to do the normal things couples should do, like spend time together, meet each other’s families, and make plans for the future. But she’d return to him because she didn’t think there was anyone else out there who would “get her” like he did. Even though I pointed out there are millions of singles in the dating pool today, and at least a dozen of them would love to be in a real relationship with her, she was willing to keep the doors open to her ex because she couldn’t imagine being in a passionate, fun, safe relationship. Can you relate? Well let me paint the picture of what’s not only possible for you, but if you truly believe, can be inevitable. Just imagine: You meet a man who not only has great character, but you’re physically attracted to him as well. He initiates phone calls. He plans dates. He’s consistent and wants to be exclusive with you. He acts like he can’t wait to see you again, and he’s upset when you have to part ways. When you talk to him about his relationship goals, he’s upfront about what he’s looking for right now. He respects your sexual boundaries, and doesn’t run away when you communicate that to him. If he...
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Have you been hurt by a man who suddenly went cold on you after several months of dating? You thought you were in a relationship, and he did everything to show you that he was interested. But as soon as you made a request, expecting him to meet your emotional needs, he bailed without so much as a goodbye text? The ghosting dating trend is becoming more common, and it’s a very painful experience because you’re left without the closure you need to move on. The pain of rejection creates confusion in your mind as you search for reasons for why a man who seemed to be genuinely interested in you would stop answering your calls and texts. You’re left wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” I want to help you let go of the emotional pain of the past by helping you to understand why men ghost! I don’t usually repost other blogs, but this confession from a man who disappeared after 6 months of dating was just too insightful to withhold from you. I pray you get some peace and come to understand that it’s not you. It’s never about you if a man can’t honor you enough to part ways with you through a conversation. It’s always about him. Here’s his confession: “I was reluctantly in a relationship for about 6 months. I say reluctantly because throughout our relationship I always had one foot out the door. Despite that, we spoke everyday, saw each other 3-4 times a week, actually went on dates, hung out with friends, and all the other normal relationship behaviors you’d expect. When we...
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You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been hearing from a lot of sisters who are dealing with a common problem in relationships, and I was wondering if you’ve been struggling with it too. What to do when a man you’re dating says, “I’m not ready for marriage”? You may be completely confused and hurt because when you met he said he was looking forward to marriage. But when you had “The Talk,” he said he wasn’t sure. What do you do? I actually was in this similar situation when I met my husband, Roy. We were in a grey area when we began seeing each other. I couldn’t even really tell if we were dating or not. We were going out for coffee. Catching a movie. Grabbing a bite to eat. Talking on the phone. And just when I thought he was getting closer to me, he’d say, “You know I’m not really looking for anything right now. I’m focused on my career and getting closer to God.” I was confused. So I prayed! I believe in asking God questions, specifically to reveal the truth about a situation to you. I did it in past relationships, but always pushed past that still, small voice telling me what to do. This time, I was determined to lean in and listen. God told me, “Watch his fruit.” More grey areas! I wanted a clear, black or white answer (or maybe a neon light, telling me what to do!). But there was great wisdom in what I heard. A person produces fruit in his life based on the roots in his life. Put another way, his...
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Hi Dr. Aesha, I just had to write you this morning. I remember on our one-on-one call you said that when I start feeling like I wanted to give up on online dating to contact you. Well today happens to be one of those days. I met a guy who is 42, handsome and makes me laugh! We’ve talked on the phone and our conversations are always at least an hour long. On Tuesday we talked for over 4 hours. We decided that we would meet up Friday to see each other. On Wednesday, we talked prior to my workout and after that I didn’t hear from him. I had sent him a text of a concert of an artist that he liked that night and he didn’t respond until Thursday. I responded back to him Thursday morning and asked him if we were still on for Friday. As of right now I still haven’t heard from him. I sent him a text before coming to work letting him know that I hope all is well, I enjoy our conversation and was looking forward to meeting up. I’m beginning to feel like I’m not going to hear from him and if I do I don’t know if I really want to talk to him anymore. Communication is by far one of the most important things to me and I’m taking this as a sign that either something is wrong or he doesn’t communicate how I need him to. Anyway, I’m getting frustrated and tired of having to go through this. I’ve met guys that I like and somehow they...
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Hi Dr. A, I had a meet and greet yesterday for coffee with a gentleman I met online. We talked for several hours on the phone days prior to meeting. Although he has told me several times that his marital status is single, that he’s been divorced over 20 years, and that he is interested in getting married again, he still wears a ring on his ring finger. His position was that he liked the ring, he bought the ring so he chooses to wear it. It’s not his old wedding band, he claimed. It’s another ring that he purchased. I was thinking most men don’t wear rings in the first place and was confused why this unmarried man wears a ring on his ring finger, on his left hand. What are your thoughts? Sincerely, Seriously confused ****************** Dear Seriously Confused: I’m usually the one encouraging women not to jump to conscious and to replace your judgements with curiosity when you’re on a date with someone new. I wanted to know what other women thought about this real life online dating scenario, so I asked my Facebook fam about it. Here’s what they said: Hmmm, I would give this some serious thought. I’ve been divorced for several years now. I wear a ring on my left ring finger when I travel and sometimes at work. Keeps the wolves at bay. A man who NO LONGER wants anything PHYSICAL to do with his EX WIFE would NEVER still wearing his wedding ring…period I’ve never been married, but I’ve worn a ring on my left ring finger as a vow...
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Modern dating follows certain seasons and cycles. For example, did you know that on average, high quality men who are looking for a relationship, tend to cycle on and off of online dating sites about every three months. In other words, they’ll put up a profile, reach out to women they find interesting, go out on dates, get frustrated by crazy women who only want to find out how much money they make, and then throw their hands up and say, “I can’t find a woman worth committing to!” Yes, sisters, the guys have bad experiences online as well. However, they don’t stay away for long. In fact, the summer time is a peak time for singles to actively date again. Maybe it’s like Will Smith rapped in his 90s hit “Summer Time”: “It’s like the summer’s a natural aphrodisiac” Whatever the reason, summer is a great time to stop hibernating and get back out there. However, you need to use wisdom when you’re dating in the summer. Why? People may be busy on vacations and so they’re not as consistent with their communication. That guy you connected with online may suddenly disappear on you after a great date and you may think he’s not interested anymore. His feelings may not have changed, but since he didn’t really talk to you while he was on his cruise, he may think that too much time went by to ask you out again. A busy summer schedule isn’t the only challenge to summer dating. You might also meet one of the men who reported on a recent survey by the dating app Hinge,...
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Modern dating follows certain seasons and cycles. For example, did you know that on average, high quality men who are looking for a relationship, tend to cycle on and off of online dating sites about every three months. In other words, they’ll put up a profile, reach out to women they find interesting, go out on dates, get frustrated by crazy women who only want to find out how much money they make, and then throw their hands up and say, “I can’t find a woman worth committing to!” Yes, sisters, the guys have bad experiences online as well. However, they don’t stay away for long. In fact, the summer time is a peak time for singles to actively date again. Maybe it’s like Will Smith rapped in his 90s hit “Summer Time”: “It’s like the summer’s a natural aphrodisiac” Whatever the reason, summer is a great time to stop hibernating and get back out there. However, you need to use wisdom when you’re dating in the summer. Why? People may be busy on vacations and so they’re not as consistent with their communication. That guy you connected with online may suddenly disappear on you after a great date and you may think he’s not interested anymore. His feelings may not have changed, but since he didn’t really talk to you while he was on his cruise, he may think that too much time went by to ask you out again. A busy summer schedule isn’t the only challenge to summer dating. You might also meet one of the men who reported on a recent survey by the dating app Hinge,...
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