“I don’t need a man. I’m fine with or without one!” If I had a dollar for each time I’ve heard a single sister say this, I’d have another stream of income! I get that we’ve been taught by our mamas, grandmamas and sometimes the men in our lives, that we don’t need a man. They were trying to ensure our survival so that if we ended up abandoned, abused or mistreated, we could still make it in this world. I get it. But here’s the thing: We can’t allow our pain to define us. You may have been hurt by a man, but don’t let the past affect your future happiness. When you don’t need a man, it shows. So if you want a relationship, you’re going to have to have a “come to Jesus” moment and flip the script. Here are 3 reasons why you need a man in your life: Reason #1: You need to know how to receive As Black women, we are excellent at giving. And we know how to get what we need on our own. But how many of us can freely receive help, love, and support from someone without feeling guilty or like we’re a burden to someone else? This is the limitation of the Strong Black Woman Syndrome. Reason #2: Allowing yourself to need a man honors your humanity. It acknowledges that you need to be loved, accepted and significant. And it says that you recognize just how valuable you are when you can receive what someone else is giving to you. Reasons #3: You need to be loved. Dr. John Gray said...
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I get it: You’re suffering from PTLD (Post Traumatic Love Disorder). You opened your heart. You loved hard. You went all in. And then it happened: You were Ghosted. Abandoned. Rejected. Hurt. Disrespected. Heartbroken. You’re “over it” now, y ou’ve forgiven the other person and you’re moving on. But deep inside, you’re still struggling to drop your guards when you meet someone new. You pull away when he gets too close. You have trust issues. You feel like it’s too good to be true. You feel pressured when he comes on strong. You want to RUN! You’re afraid to be open and vulnerable because you don’t want to get hurt again. What you don’t understand is that to survive your breakup without having a breakdown, you made a secret vow that you’d never love again. And that secret vow became a hidden commitment to stay single. A hidden commitment is the internal tug of war that happens when your head says “I want love” and your heart says, “love leads to disappointment. I’ll pass!” It causes you to send mixed signals about what you really want. And you’ll sabotage any real opportunities to let love get close to the doorways of your heart ever again. But today is a new day.I want to tell you it is possible to love like you’ve never been hurt because you’re a different woman. Wiser. Stronger. Better. So how can you learn to be vulnerable in a relationship after you’ve been hurt? First, you must understand that vulnerability is not weakness. Instead, as Brené Brown describes it, vulnerability means “the courage to show up and be...
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I am so grateful to see a strong Black woman lead in a made-for-Netflix movie. Sanaa Lathan was stunning in the recently released flick, Nappily Ever After, a movie about self-love and self-discovery wrapped up in Black women’s complicated relationship with our hair. But as the premier relationship coach for smart, successful sistas, I was disturbed by another movie which doesn’t show powerful Black women winning at love. SPOILER ALERTS ahead–skip this part if you haven’t watched the movie yet. Violet Jones (Sanaa Lathan) is the perfect woman. She has a high-powered career. She owns a beautiful home. Her wardrobe is fierce. And her boyfriend is a successful doctor, but he hasn’t put a ring on it yet. If this storyline feels familiar it’s because we’ve seen it in Olivia Pope, Being Mary Jane, Insecure and other shows featuring successful sistas. Violet soon realizes putting all her energy into become the RIGHT kind of professional Black woman doesn’t lead to the outcomes her Mama told her would be hers if her life was a perfect as her hair. Her pursuit of perfection ends after a heartbreaking breakup with her boyfriend. She ends their 2 year relationship after he doesn’t propose to her on her birthday. He called her the “perfect” woman, but it turns out that her mother’s teachings were wrong. Men don’t want a perfect woman. They want a REAL woman. Violet is thrown into an identity crisis. She must not have ever listened to India Aire’s song, “I Am Not My Hair,” because we see her trying on different identities by changing up her hair. A bad relaxer turns...
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![Are You Single Because You’re WAITING Your Life Away? [VIDEO SUCCESS STORY]](http://aeshaonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/wannabemynextsuccessstory-800x675.jpg)
(This post is different than what you’re probably used to, so please read it to the end) I just read a post by a so-called (male) relationship expert telling women that it was better to stay single than to use online dating, meet the wrong man, and end up in the wrong relationship. He offered no solutions or alternatives. He just regurgitated the same stale, manipulative advice successful, single women have been hearing since Methuselah was a baby: Wait. Wait for the Lord to send you a man (cuz you’ve got to prove your worthy enough first) Wait for him to approach you (cuz giving eye-contact or flirting makes you thirsty or desperate) Wait for him to bring up “The Talk” (cuz telling him what you want in a relationship makes you pushy) Wait 90 days before you sleep with him (cuz women can’t be trusted to have grown folks conversations about their sexuality and their boundaries) This is dangerous advice because you end up waiting your life away until you WAKE UP one morning to discover you’re still single (and you don’t want to be). My client Karolyn spent most of her 30’s waiting…and nobody ever came. She made the DECISION to attend my Be Found Retreat last year and is now in the best relationship of her life. I could tell you her story. But she wanted to share it in her own words. CLICK to listen: Too much is at stake for you to keep saying “next time.” Your joy. Your peace. Your bliss. Your fulfillment. Your passion. Your MAN. Karolyn understood that and her relationship status change because she decided that staying single was unacceptable to her. Then she backed up that...
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So you finally put yourself back out there. You mustered up the courage to swipe right on Tinder. And after a few text messages he asks the dreaded question: “So why is a woman like you still single?” You start typing a response but then freeze. You’ve been single a long time. You think to yourself, “If I tell him why I’m still single after all these years, he might think something’s wrong with me.” You end up ghosting him because you just didn’t know what to say. Until now. As a dating coach, I believe asking “why are you still single” is an awkward question to start off a great date. Obviously, both parties need to be single in order to start dating, so there tends to be a question behind the question. Some guys want to make sure you’re not chronically single because you’re emotionally unavailable. Others are trying to figure out if they actually have a shot with you, and they want to know if other guys are sliding up in your DMs. Some just don’t have good conversation skills and they ask because they have nothing better to say on date. If you feel defensive or don’t pick up on the real question the guy is asking you, you could say something petty that messes up the energy of the date. I want to coach you with 7 clap backs you can use when a man asks you why you aren’t boo’d up right now. Most clap backs are purposefully petty, but I want to give you back pocket phrases you can use that keep you focused on...
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If They’re Body Shaming Beyoncé, What Will They Say About ME? I’ve been peeping Beyoncé and Jay Z’s On The Run II concert through hashtags on Instagram. Beyoncé is usually a controversial symbol of female pleasure and sexuality. So many sisters have felt like men only want a woman who looks like her. But to my surprise, Bey has been the victim of harsh body shaming! Comments like these are showing up on every video & pic of the concert: “Bey looks thick. I notice she’s been wearing spanx” “Her thighs don’t match her butt!” “What’s that plastic under her shirt? Is that to distract you from her pregnant belly?” “This outfit make her look like she had some work done.” “She move like she got kids now. She looks tired.” “I keep seeing this rounded pelvic look.” Never mind the fact that Bey is doing a freaking WORLD tour, singing and dancing with the same energy she did 15 years ago… the body shaming just won’t stop. It’s not just the cyber bullying that has me mad. It’s the fact that so many of my powerhouse, successful clients–women just like you–have expressed secret self-doubts about their looks and these hidden thoughts sabotage their dating success. Let’s see if you can relate to these statements: “If I cut my hair, men won’t be interested in me. But I’ve been wearing wigs and weaves for so long my edges are getting damaged. I just can’t do it anymore!” “My thighs are still too big. I work out 5 times per week but my man said if I lost 10 more pounds I’d be...
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It’s been 3 intense weeks together with this man you’re dating and you can see yourself marrying him. You’ve spent every waking moment talking, texting and going on romantic dates. Everything just feels right. But when you come up for air, your logical mind kicks in and you question your feelings. Are you moving too fast? You may have heard stories of couples who met on Friday and got married on Sunday and they’re still together 20 years later. My own love story happened quickly: 11 months after I met my husband, we got married. But there are times when a relationship moves too fast because you’re getting caught up in the feelings of falling in love and you’re not taking the time to build a solid foundation to make it last. Check out these 5 signs that you need to pump the breaks and slow your new relationship down a bit. Sign #1: He tells you “I’ve never felt this way before.” I dated a guy who declared his love for me and claimed that I was his wife within the first week of us dating. He told me “I’ve never felt this way before!” and at first, I thought he was just opening his heart and being vulnerable with me. After enduring an emotional roller coaster with this man filled with cheating, lying, and heartbreak, it became apparent that he was emotionally unstable and not ready for the realities of a relationship. To this man, “I’ve never felt this way” was a sign that he was addicted to the good times in a relationship, but unable to...
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If you don’t have a problem meeting men but you can’t seem to keep one long enough to make into a serious relationship, I want you to stop what you’re doing and take the next 90 seconds to read this very carefully! Despite what you’ve been taught to believe by all the gurus out there, the issue isn’t because you’re too independent and successful and men don’t know what to do with you. And it sure ain’t because there aren’t any good men out there even though your Girls’ Night Out conversations make you feel like all the good ones are taken. The real problem is… You haven’t mastered the skill of influence. And influence is all about communication. The BIGGEST communication breakdown I’ve personally helped my clients overcome so that they could finally enjoy the passionate, exciting, fulfilling relationship their heart was longing for, was what I call the Yanny vs Laurel Communication Syndrome. If you’ve been anywhere near social media in the last 24 hours, then you know that the Yanny vs Laurel debate is tearing the internet apart. There’s a recording of someone reading the word “Laurel” but some folks are hearing Yanny?!!! What?! What do you hear?! Yanny or Laurel pic.twitter.com/jvHhCbMc8I — Cloe Feldman (@CloeCouture) May 15, 2018 The difference I hear in Yanny vs Laurel is frequency, focus, and perspective. In other words, what you’re EXPECTING to hear shapes what you actually hear. The first time I listened, I actually heard Yanny in the high tones…then when I looked at the word Laurel and focused on it while I silently in my mind, suddenly, all I could hear was Laurel…Laurel…Laurel…in the low tones....
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