Myth Busted: You Don’t Have To Get Your Life Together Before Dating By: Dr. Aesha In a recent article on The Root, a man confessed that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 16 years! “What people don’t understand is that my income isn’t as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel insecure about how women may view my current professional station in life,” he wrote. At first I thought his insecurity was personal. He just needs to be more confident, I said. Quit trying to date women who are out of his league and start focusing on the women who do want him, I thought. But then I realized that this brotha is struggling with a big myth that says you have to get your life together BEFORE you can be worthy of love. This cultural myth says you’re supposed to have your money, career, and fitness goals checked off a list, and so should your partner. The Law of Attraction folks say you need to become who you want to attract. Your mama (or daddy) says you need to find a man you can respect. Your girlfriends say you shouldn’t have to take care of a man. Your pastor says God won’t bless you with a mate from you until you get your life together. You say you worked hard to lose weight, get out of debt, climb the corporate ladder, build a business, etc., etc., and you deserve a man who has big goals like you. I mean, being on the same level is what makes a true partnership, right? Wrong! A true partnership is one where...
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3 Creative Ways To Meet Men You’ve Probably Never Thought About By: Dr. Aesha Do you hate online dating? Prefer to meet men the old-fashioned way, but it seems like everywhere you go you only meet men who are too old, too married, too young, or too undateable? If you’re wondering where all the high-quality men are, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. That’s what my roommate and I did when we were single. We grew tired of waiting on the guys we liked to ask us out, so we decided to host a barbeque at our home. We invited them over, along with a few more single men and women from church, ate good food, watched movies and had a good time getting to know each other! In other words, we didn’t leave our love lives to chance. We created our own opportunities to mix and mingle with eligible men. You can too with these 3 creative ways to meet men. 1) Brown Sugar Parties My matchmaking colleague, Paul C Brunson, told me about an idea he and his wife created to help their single friends meet each other. They hosted “brown sugar parties” at their home. The idea was to bring drinks made with brown sugar and get people together. Now I personally don’t drink, so if I were to use this idea, I would require everyone to bring some baked goodies that were made with brown sugar AND they’d have to bring a cutie who looked like brown sugar too! 2) SWARM Parties I recently heard Dr. Henry Cloud teach singles to stop using the excuse “there are no good men.” He told a story...
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When Should I Start Dating Again After A Breakup? By: Dr. Aesha This question came in from my Facebook Page: “After a breakup how long do you suggest waiting to start dating again?” ***** This is a great question, but you might not like my answer: It depends. I don’t know important information about your situation like, were you in a marriage, long-term relationship or a new relationship that was just getting off the ground? How long were you together? Why did you breakup? How long ago did you break up? Your answers to these questions determine your availability. I’m not just talking about whether you have time to date. I’m talking about if you have room in your heart and soul for a new relationship. You should start dating again after a breakup ONLY when you are emotionally available for someone new. In other words, when you’re over it. How do you know if you’re over it? You wouldn’t want to get back together with your ex, even if he bought a ring, hired Eric Bonet to serenade you, and surprised you with a proposal in front of your friends and family You can talk about your ex to another man without telling all the details of what he did to you You don’t cry (or cuss) when you think of your ex You’re clear about the role you played in the breakup You can see the positive lessons from your last relationship and you’re willing to grow from them Now this isn’t a complete list of signs you’re over your ex. There are a ton of other factors that can...
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Should Bad Credit Be A Deal Breaker? By: Dr. Aesha “Hey girl….can I get your digits? No, I don’t mean your phone number. I mean your credit score!” Can you imagine if a man approached you like this? What would you feel? Yet, there’s a new trend called “Credit Score Dating” that’s gaining traction. Suze Orman started it when she insited on the Oprah show that women need to know a man’s FICO score before sleeping with him. “FICO Before Sex” has become an bigger anthem for some single ladies han Beyonce’s “Put a ring on it.” Since Orman’s TV appearance, there’s been a study by FreeCreditScore.com where 96% of women found a man’s financial responsibility more attractive than his looks (vs 57% of men) and a new dating website where people are matched by their credit scores! I’m a bit baffled by this trend. Can you really tell if someone is relationship-material by three little numbers? Some people I’ve chatted with–mostly women–say yes. A credit score is a reflection of a person’s character, they tell me. But I’m not so convinced. Most of us have been taught how to get into debt. We buy cars, houses, vacations and every day items using debt. All it takes is one emergency–a job loss, a recession, a divorce, or a medical bill–and your score can go in the tank. The only thing a credit score shows is that you know how to manage DEBT well. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good with saving money, building wealth or even talking about finances with a partner. There’s a better way to figure out if a man is a good...
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3 Ways The Strong Black Woman Syndrome Can Kill Your Relationship By: Dr. Aesha Can we talk? Sister to sister? No, I’m not about to tell you that the reason why you’re still single (or unhappy in your relationship) is because you’re too independent and no man wants you. (That kind of advice is played out in my opinion, and doesn’t serve you well.) I am, however, going to tell you that the Strong Black Woman Syndrome is killing you and your relationships. And I am going to tell you that it’s time to make a change. What is the Strong Black Woman Syndrome? Michelle Wallace, in her groundbreaking book, Black Macho And The Myth of The Superwoman first brought awareness to this stereotype in 1978. She shared that Black women are thought to have “Inordinate strength,” so much so that we are superwomen.The Strong Black Woman doesn’t have “the same fears, weaknesses, and insecurities as other women, and she believes herself to be and is, in fact, stronger emotionally than most men.” In other words, because we have survived so much historically, socially and personally, we’ve developed a strength that goes beyond all understanding. In many ways, this legacy of strength has helped us deal with the stresses of living and loving in this world. But there’s a huge price to “being strong,” and it’s affecting your relationships in 3 big ways: 1) Silence The SBW Syndrome can cause silence. Yes, you may know how to be sassy and read people when they need it, but when it comes to communicating how you really feel and what you really need, you haven’t been rewarded for doing that. In fact, you’ve probably been punished when you do speak up with...
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Before You Give Up On Love, Read This By: Dr. Aesha Over the past year, I’ve coached people all over the world who are ready to give up on love. They tell me things like: I got this crazy message in my inbox…I’m cancelling my subscription to online dating forever! If this relationship doesn’t work out then I’m giving up. I guess I’ll just be single for the rest of my life. I’m scared to trust again. I don’t know what a man will do to me. I’m not dating anymore. God will just have to bring my mate to me. If you’re on the verge of giving up on love, let me encourage you. I understand you may be feeling some kind of way about the opposite sex, online dating, relationships, marriage, and even yourself, but giving up isn’t the answer. You have more control over how you feel about love than you think. You just have to break the negative attitude you’ve developed about your situation. Your attitude is created by the way you interpret what happens to you. I know you’ve been through hell and back in your relationships and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don’t want to try anymore and you can point to so many reasons why you have the right to feel the way you do. But here’s the thing. We all deal with crazy ups and downs in love. Everybody does, no matter their relationship status. You can’t control what happens to you, but you CAN control how you define what happens to you. So I challenge you...
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5 Signs Your Standards Are Too High In Dating By: Dr. Aesha You’ve probably heard people tell you to raise your standards if you want to attract the right man into your life. I’m here to tell you that if you’re still single when you don’t want to be, the problem may be that your standards are too high! Here are 5 signs your standards are too high in dating: 1. You expect the other person to be on the same spiritual level as you I recently heard a pastor say that out of all the married couples she and her husband have counseled, none of them have ever been in the same place spiritually at the same time. As a married woman I have discovered this to be true. There have been times when I had to encourage my husband and other times when his faith was stronger than mine! Don’t overlook a potential partner just because his relationship with God doesn’t look like your relationship with God. 2. You expect the other person to have the same interests as you I chatted with a woman on a plane once who was going through a divorce. She told me her next relationship would have to be with someone who liked to read books and who enjoyed quiet weekends at home just like she did. I told her that would make for one BORING relationship! It’s great to share common interests with someone, but the fact that you and your partner both like the same things won’t determine compatibility. 3. You have a (long) checklist of things a potential...
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How To Answer The Question “Why Are You Still Single?” By: Dr. Aesha The holidays can be hard when you’re still single. All of the parties and “he went to Jared, every kiss begins with Kay” engagment commercials can be a constant reminder that you haven’t found The One yet. I know what it’s like. I went through a holiday breakup and a disappointing Christmas with a fiance where I could tell by the gift he gave me that his feelings for me had changed. I also know what it’s like to be sitting around the dinner table with your aunties and Mama ‘nem and out of the blue, somebody says, “So…why are you still single? When are you gonna get a man? (Or if you have a man, they’ll ask when are you getting married, when are you gonna have kids…)” Don’t you hate that question? It makes you feel judged. You get tired of having to defend your life and give an answer to every person. I know you really want to say, “It’s none of your business!” but unless you want your family to clutch their pearls and give you the sideye, I’d like to suggest three ways to handle the “Why are you still single” question this holiday: 1) Own it! Take ownership of your singleness. (It’s not a curse, you know!) Tell your Auntie ‘nem you’re still single because you don’t want to make any mistakes. You know that every second with the wrong person is a second you can’t spend with the right person. Then, tell them you’re looking for the right person and ask, “Do you know anyone?” 2)...
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