The 7-Step Love Detox Challenge that will Transform Your Dating Life By: Dr. Aesha With Spring just around the corner it’s a good time to detox your love life. Why? Because your thoughts are getting in the way of you attracting and keeping love. Your thoughts shape your feelings which in turn, control your behaviors and actions. As Proverbs 4:23 says, “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.” (GNT) So let’s identify 7 areas where some stinkin’ thinkin’ may have crept in and what you can do to change it. 1. Block, unfollow, delete, and hide friends on social media who are holding you back. Maybe you’re surrounded by people who are negative about relationships or who don’t support you as you seek to create your dream life. Use the delete button! You don’t need that drama in real life either, so draw some clear boundaries with your family and friends. 2. Forgive Forgiveness is the best closure. It heals the scars and removes the scabs that keep love from going in and out of your heart. Once you forgive, you’ll find the freedom to release your past and create a new, more empowering meaning of what happened to you. 3. Clear out text messages, emails, gifts, pictures and other keepsakes from your ex. These items can trigger memories that can keep you from moving forward. I remember holding on to the engagement ring from my ex-fiance for years after we broke up. When I finally gave it away, I had the courage to let go of the memories AND a relationship...
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He Never Initiates Phone Calls. How Can I Get Him To Be Interested In Me? By: Dr. Aesha I met a man at a conference a few weeks ago. We’ve had a few phone conversations, but he had a business trip and will be gone for a few weeks. He sugested we keep in touch while he’s away (we weren’t able to meet before he left). I have texted him twice while he’s been gone and he responds enthusiastically and leaves a long message but he hasn’t initiated keeping in touch. I don’t feel authentic by texting him when it’s one-sided, but I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by waiting. I want to stimulate in him the desire to see me again once he returns, however. Any thoughts on the subject? ~Linda **** Hey Linda, Yes I have a few thoughts for you, since this is a common question I get from women. As a woman, it’s your job to make the first move by flirting, showing you’re interested, and creating opportunities for a man to ask you out. After you’ve connected, it’s completely natural to reach out and call him from time to time, but if he NEVER initiates, it’s a sign something is not right. Most men show you who they are by their actions. (There are a few exceptions, but I”ll talk about that later). When you accept this truth you’ll stop those crazy thoughts like, “I wonder if he likes me…I’ll just send him this text message to let him know I’m thinking about him…Oh no it’s been 2 days, 3 hours, 15 minutes and...
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Should You Date Him Or Dump Him? By: Dr. Aesha Everybody tells you to “think like a man,” but it’s hard to know what he’s thinking when he sends you mixed messages, right? So, what should you do if a man’s not being straight up with you: Date him or dump him? Let’s look at a few common scenarios: He tells you “I love you” when you’re together, but when you’re apart, it doesn’t feel that way. You’re “nice” to your boyfriend and overlook his bad behavior in an effort to support him, but in the end, he dumps you and gets with another woman who seems to control him (and he likes it)! You act like a wife but he hasn’t committed yet and never brings up the “M-word.” He tells you the relationship he has with another woman isn’t serious and he wants to be exclusive with you, but when you ask why he still answers her text messages, he says she’s having a hard time accepting that the relationship is over. Let me help you decode men’s behavior so you can make a smart decision: So if he makes you feel like the only girl in the world when you’re together, but only sends you an occassional “i miss u” text, he’s showing you that he likes keeping you around because you’re the booty call. DUMP HIM! If you over-give to keep him happy and he still leaves you, it means he was using you, got bored and moved on to someone else. DUMP HIM! If you give him wife priveleges when he hasn’t even made you his girlfriend, it means he likes things the way...
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= Why Men Don’t See You As Girlfriend Material By: Dr. Aesha This may sound harsh, but when a quality man–a GOOD man–disappears on you, it’s for a reason. Sometimes it’s because it’s just not a match. But if you’re like some of my clients who wonder why he stopped calling after a great date (or if he didn’t even call you in the first place), or why he could spend months or even years with you without ever committing, there’s usually some signal you’re sending that’s shutting things down. Take, for example, my friend Ruby. She’s a close friend and client who recently had a big breakthrough. An “Aha-moment” as Oprah would call it 🙂 Ruby is over 40, never married, no kids, and losing hope that it will ever happen. Her last relationship ended because he still wasn’t ready for a commitment. The problem was she’d given her all to this guy. Cooking for him (she NEVER did that with any other boyfriend) and rearranging her schedule to be with him. She was acting like a wife before there was even a sign that he was her real boyfriend! She came to me for help getting back on the dating scene and to figure out how to get men to commit to her. After a few minutes of coaching, I discovered some core beliefs Ruby had that were getting in her way: She was taught by her traditional parents to never chase a man She felt like starting a conversation, flirting, and wearing dresses & heels made her desperate for attention from men, so she just didn’t feel comfortable doing...
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Short Men Make Better Husbands By: Dr. Aesha Are you hating on short men? I hear it from sisters all the time. I want a man who is 6’0″ or taller, they say. I want to feel safe and protected. I like wearing heels… But you don’t wear heels to bed, do you? #HollaIfYouHearMe Short men make the best husbands. I know cuz I married one. I feel you giving me the side-eye, so let me break it down for you. 1) The average man is around 5′ 8″. When you refuse to even talk to a man who less than 6 feet tall, you shrink your dating pool to the size of a pea! Size does matter when it comes to your options in dating. The more selective you are, the fewer people you have to date and the longer it may take you to find a partner. 2) Even the Bible shows how people messed up by picking the tall guy. When the people begged God for a king, they wanted Saul because he was handsome and head and shoulders above everyone else. Saul proved to be a bad leader and God wanted to replace him. When the prophet Samuel questioned God’s new choice, God said, “Don’t look at his appearance or how tall he is, because I have rejected him. God does not see as humans see. Humans look at outward appearances, but the Lord looks into the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) If God can look past a man’s height and choose someone because of his heart, why can’t you? Remember, the people who find love are open. They don’t judge...
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I’ve heard of friends promising to marry each other if they couldn’t find a suitable partner, and I’ve seen a reality TV show of strangers marrying each other at first sight. But would you marry yourself if you couldn’t find a husband by 40? This sista did and her story has gone viral! There’s a big debate about what this sista’s act means. Is it self-love? Bitterness about not finding a man? As a coach who works with many strong Black single women 40 and up, I had a unique take on the whole thing and I share my thoughts on my weekly column at BlackAndMarriedWithKids. Click here to read...
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Myth Busted: You Don’t Have To Get Your Life Together Before Dating By: Dr. Aesha In a recent article on The Root, a man confessed that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 16 years! “What people don’t understand is that my income isn’t as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel insecure about how women may view my current professional station in life,” he wrote. At first I thought his insecurity was personal. He just needs to be more confident, I said. Quit trying to date women who are out of his league and start focusing on the women who do want him, I thought. But then I realized that this brotha is struggling with a big myth that says you have to get your life together BEFORE you can be worthy of love. This cultural myth says you’re supposed to have your money, career, and fitness goals checked off a list, and so should your partner. The Law of Attraction folks say you need to become who you want to attract. Your mama (or daddy) says you need to find a man you can respect. Your girlfriends say you shouldn’t have to take care of a man. Your pastor says God won’t bless you with a mate from you until you get your life together. You say you worked hard to lose weight, get out of debt, climb the corporate ladder, build a business, etc., etc., and you deserve a man who has big goals like you. I mean, being on the same level is what makes a true partnership, right? Wrong! A true partnership is one where...
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3 Creative Ways To Meet Men You’ve Probably Never Thought About By: Dr. Aesha Do you hate online dating? Prefer to meet men the old-fashioned way, but it seems like everywhere you go you only meet men who are too old, too married, too young, or too undateable? If you’re wondering where all the high-quality men are, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. That’s what my roommate and I did when we were single. We grew tired of waiting on the guys we liked to ask us out, so we decided to host a barbeque at our home. We invited them over, along with a few more single men and women from church, ate good food, watched movies and had a good time getting to know each other! In other words, we didn’t leave our love lives to chance. We created our own opportunities to mix and mingle with eligible men. You can too with these 3 creative ways to meet men. 1) Brown Sugar Parties My matchmaking colleague, Paul C Brunson, told me about an idea he and his wife created to help their single friends meet each other. They hosted “brown sugar parties” at their home. The idea was to bring drinks made with brown sugar and get people together. Now I personally don’t drink, so if I were to use this idea, I would require everyone to bring some baked goodies that were made with brown sugar AND they’d have to bring a cutie who looked like brown sugar too! 2) SWARM Parties I recently heard Dr. Henry Cloud teach singles to stop using the excuse “there are no good men.” He told a story...
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