Should You Get Rid Of Your Ideal Man List? By: Dr. Aesha Chances are if you’re serious about relationships and you’re looking for the perfect partner, you probably have “The List.” As a matchmaker and dating coach, I feel obligated to tell you the truth: If you want to find your dream man, you’ve got to get rid of your ideal man list. I confess. I had a list. When I was a single 20-something graduate student, my girlfriends and I used to sit around after a night of watching chick flicks to talk about the man of our dreams. I had a slightly different perspective than my friends because I had been engaged before. Read the rest of my personal story at my blog on Digital Romance here– http://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/should-you-get-rid-of-your-ideal-man-list/ With Love, Dr....
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3 Tips For Single Parent Dating By: Dr. Aesha I just got a question in my “Ask Dr. Aesha” mailbag. It’s from a single dad who is back on the dating scene after a divorce. He asked: “I have 3 kids (I’m divorced) and I’m dating someone with no kids. When is the appropriate time to introduce the kids to her? We’ve been dating for 2 months, and it’s definitely too soon now, but we are getting serious about each other.” ~Single Dad Dating This is a fantastic question because many of my clients are dating after divorce or a long relationship and want to know how to date when they have kids. I’ve put together 3 questions for you to consider before you introduce your new partner to your kids: 1) How old are your kids and how do they feel about you dating? 2) How would they feel if things didn’t work out with the new person and she went away? How will you talk to them about it? 3) How does your girlfriend feel about being a part of the kids’ lives since she doesn’t have any children of her own? Bringing your family into your new relationship is going to change it. Your partner will see you in a new light. Watching you in “Daddy mode” is going to show her a different side of you than what she sees when you’re on a romantic date. She’ll likely imagine what her future with you might be like as well. So if you haven’t committed to each other yet, she’s going to have another experience with you that will affect...
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The Two Most Important Skills You Need To Be Happy In Relationships By: Dr. Aesha She instantly came out of her downward spiral of panic when I told my 30-something, never-been-married coaching client this: “There’s nothing wrong with you. You just lack some important dating and relationship skills. If you can learn how to drive, then you could learn these skills!” I don’t think anyone had ever told her this powerful information before. “What skills,” she asked, thoughtfully. “And how do I get them?” Before I share the two most important skills you need to be happy in relationships, let me say that I learned them the hard way. Like most singles I work with in my matchmaking agency, I was programmed to think that love and relationships should come naturally. I thought love would just find me. And I thought that once I fell in love and started a new relationship that things would naturally unfold and we’d end up married. A broken engagement and a drama-filled relationship with a player showed me that I didn’t really know what I was doing. The problem is we rely on chemistry to guide our choices. And once chemistry fizzles out (or if wasn’t there in the first place), you look for someone to blame. Most people internalize their dating and relationship failures. For example, I bumped into a man the other day who shared his online dating frustrations with me. “I sent this lady a Happy Birthday email and she didn’t respond to me,” he huffed. “I don’t understand why people could be so rude. At least she could have said she wasn’t interested.” Little did he know that he just lacked...
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Are There Any Good Men Out There? By: Dr. Aesha You’ve been on my mind the past few days. It’s like I can feel the struggle inside of you. If you’re a single woman and you’re thinking about taking my new 6 week online dating coaching program, I know what you’re thinking. “Are there any good, honest, sincere men out there?” I know where you’re coming from. After a painful on-again, off-again relationship with my fiance, I finally broke it off, only to end up in the arms of a player! After that I swore I’d never be hurt again and I ended up in a dating drought. No one approached me. No one asked me out. I realized it was because I was asking the wrong question! “Are there any good guys out there” is a question full of doubt, fear, frustration and even anger. When I changed my question, I got a different result. I met and married my husband in 11 short months. What would happen if YOU changed your focus? Your question determines your focus. And you always get what you focus on. I’ll prove it. Just the other day, a MAN wrote me on Facebook and said he was thinking of trying my coaching program but then said, “I was a member of blackpeoplemeet. com and all I met were women who had needs better suited for your local dept of social services to address.” A sister spoke up and said, “I’m on BPM…it’s been different for me…I’m a professional woman who desires marriage. The men I come across are ready to marry however I might not have...
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Does Texting Ruin Relationships? By: Dr. Aesha I’m a modern woman but I think I still have some old fashioned values. As a result, there are some relationship trends I believe should just go away. Like women proposing to men. Or men using a spreadsheet to track all the excuses his wife gives for not wanting to have sex with him (yes, that actually happened!) The biggest trend that’s bothering me now is texting and relationships. It seems to me these days that texts have replaced real conversations. I just don’t think grown folks should do it! A guy shouldn’t send you a text to ask you out on a date, break up with you, or just check in to see how you’re doing. And he sure as heck shouldn’t send you the “where are u” texts at 11:00 PM on Saturday night, not at least if he wants you to take him seriously. It’s not just the guys, though. I know of a man who won’t give out his cell phone number to women and still keeps an answering machine on a land line at his home so that women can’t send him “crazy texts.” You know, the 15 paragraphs explaining what she meant after the last conversation. Or the “Thanks for the date” text to try to figure out if he liked her enough to ask her out again! I’ve also heard of married couples who argue via text message. There aren’t enough emoticons in the world that can truly express what you need to say to your spouse during a conflict! The bottom line is,...
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Texting While Dating By: Dr. Aesha Texting while driving is illegal where I’m from. So why isn’t texting while dating? I know we’ve all seen it. The couple at a restaurant or coffee shop, who instead of getting lost in one another’s gaze, are crouched over their smartphones, lost in a virtual world of memes, tweets and split second updates. Maybe we’re all guilty of it. I know I’ve done it during date nights with my husband and during family outings. So I’m not throwing shade, here, I just want to get to the bottom of why we do this. If someone were talking on the phone while we were on a date, we’d considered it rude. But swiping a smartphone is considered normal. Perhaps texting while dating reflects a deeper problem of how we define connection these days. We like the idea of feeling connected to anyone, any place at any moment. I mean we take our phones everywhere (tell me you don’t take it to the bathroom when you have to go?) We use emoticons and selfies to help us communicate our feelings online. And how many times have you used LOL even if you didn’t crack a smile? Real connection requires intimacy and intimacy requires real conversation. You have to get to know someone in order to really know someone. Maybe the problem is how we define and actually DO dating. With online dating apps like Tinder, you can make snap judgments about someone with a swipe of the finger. Emails and text messages can trap you in a virtual relationship that never moves beyond the screen....
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How To Bounce Back From Rejection By Dr. Aesha The memories came rushing back, but they were bittersweet this time. It had lost its sparkle, even though I was holding it up against the sunlight that was streaming through my room. The joy I once associated with it had turned into numbness, but if I focused really intensely, I could call up the heartbreak and rejection. “Humph,” I said, as I closed the little gray box. It still made a squeaky sound before it slammed shut. This time, though, instead of nestling it back in the keepsake box I hid under my bed, I tossed it on my dresser. I had decided to give the engagement ring away to a friend who needed some extra money. She could sell it, pawn it, melt it, do whatever the heck she wanted to with it. After four years of holding on to these memories, I was ready to let it all go. At that moment, I knew that I was ready to bounce back from rejection. Ironically, what drove me to purge my life of this symbol of a broken engagement was another failed relationship. Rejection sucks. But it’s a part of the process of falling in love and staying in love. I’ve spoken to many people lately, both men and women, who have revealed they are struggling with rejection. “I guess I was born to be single,” they say. “I’m tired of putting my heart out there, only to be disappointed over and over.” I understand. But ponder this: If you had food poisoning at a...
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Love and Money! What You Need To Know But No One Ever Tells You By: Dr. Aesha Did you hear? Rumor has it that Beyonce wants to add a $5 million cheating clause to her pre-nup with Jay Z in view of the persistent rumors about his infidelity and the many women he’s allegedly seeing ona the side. I usually stay out of grown folks’ business, but if the rumor is accurate, then it’s got me thinking even more deeply about the relationship between love and money. Money affects every area of our lives, especially our love lives. For example, think about all the friction finances can cause in dating, relationships and marriage: 70% of divorces are over money issues. Even before a couple says I do, money can complicate romance. Who should pay for a date? Is it fair to expect men to carry the burden of courtship and pay for every date from Hello to I Do? On the flip side, if women pay for dates, will it push a man away (like some gurus claim), will it make him appreciate her independence or will it make him dependent on the woman financially? In a recent conversation I had with a sista about Power Play Women–women who have high-salaries, powerful careers, and are highly educated–she shared that a guy she was dating started trippin’ when she casually mentioned the exotic vacation she was planning. He accused her of spending too much money, even though he knows nothing about her salary, spending habits or savings. They eventually broke up because he said, “I can’t afford you.” This sista was confused because she had no expecation...
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