My inbox has been flooded recently with your questions: “Why do I freeze up like a deer in headlights when a man approaches me? I can talk with men everyday at work, but when it’s someone who is attractive, I get really self-conscious!” “Should I take down my profile now? We’ve had two great dates, and I don’t want him thinking that I’m not interested in him.” “He said he wants to cook dinner for me in my house. We met online and it’s only been 4 dates. What do I say? I don’t feel comfortable, but he seems really genuine.” “I’m hesitant to get back online because the last guy I met there disappeared without so much as a phone call after we were together for 9 months!” “We’ve been dating for over a year. He wants to get married, but I’m not so sure. I don’t want to lose myself, but I also don’t want to lose him!” “I’m ready to date again, but I have no clue what to do. Where do I meet men?” “No one approaches me. I feel so invisible to men! What’s wrong with me?” I know you’ve read all the books, gone to all the seminars, hired a coach, or worked with a therapist, yet you still feel like you’re making bad choices with men. And you wondering, “What am I doing wrong?” If that’s you, I understand, and I’m here to help. Here’s the truth: Sometimes, the problem isn’t you. It’s men. (Makes you feel better, doesn’t it?) But when it IS you, the reason why you aren’t getting the results you want is because you’re asking the wrong questions and you end up working harder on...
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One of the most common questions people ask me is how long they should wait to start dating again after a break up. I have to warn you: you might not like my answer! It depends. I don’t know important information about your situation, like: Were you in a marriage, long-term relationship or a new relationship that was just getting off the ground? How long were you together? Why did you breakup? How long ago did you break up? Your answers to these questions determine your availability. I’m not just talking about whether you have time to date. I’m talking about if you have room in your heart and soul for a new relationship. You should start dating again after a breakup ONLY when you are emotionally available for someone new. In other words, you can date again when you’re over it. How do you know if you’re over it? You wouldn’t want to get back together with your ex, even if he bought a ring, hired Eric Benet to serenade you, and he surprised you with a proposal in front of all your friends and family You can talk about your ex to another man without telling all the details of what he did to you You don’t cry (or cuss) when you think of your ex You’re clear about the role you did or did not play in the relationship issues and/or breakup You can see the positive lessons from the relationship and you’re willing to grow from them Now this isn’t a complete list of signs you’re over your ex. There are a ton of other factors that can affect how relationship-ready...
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Dear Dr. Aesha, How do you feel about a guy dating two friends? Meaning he took one girl on a date, they don’t hit it off and don’t have good chemistry and then at a later date, he meets her friend and they hit it off and have a lot of chemistry. He asks her out. Should the first friend be upset though she knows her and the guy didn’t have what it took? She “grabbed him” first so she should own all rights to him? This actually happens in church a lot too and causes so much division but there are really but so many men coming through, and sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right. So – Is “girl code” selfish, or is it to be adhered to no matter what?” Well sis, Girl Code is the unspoken code of conduct, “The Golden Rule” if you will, that is supposed to protect our friendships when we start dating. Sisters over misters is the gold standard and it means your best friend’s ex, current boyfriend or potential love interest is off limits if you are true friend. Most women will agree to these codes, but start bending the rules when you live in areas where there’s a man shortage such as small towns, college campuses, and churches. So, are there ever any times when the GIRL CODE should be broken? Watch today’s episode for my guidelines: So what do you think? Is it ever ok to break “girl code?” Have you ever lost a friendship due to a romantic relationship? Share your thoughts and comments...
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Hello Dr. Aesha, I am 56 years old. I married a man who I met in elementary school. We actually had a marriage ceremony on the playground when we were in the second grade. We had our first daughter out of wedlock at 18 years of age. We married at 21 years of age. We both gave our lives to Christ at age 22. Long story short, the marriage lasted 26 years. After my divorce, I spent time healing for 7 1/2 years prior to desiring marriage again. I have been single now for over 10 years. I had always set strong boundaries and never allowed any man to trespass emotionally, spiritually or physically during my marriage, although I was starved for love. Being single is very awkward for me. I don’t know how to carry myself single and available. I have worked around men all my life in the workforce
(military/law enforcement) and had a good rapport with them. Men have often told me that I am the whole package and they don’t understand why I haven’t been swept off my feet. I don’t know either, other than possibly there are not very many mature followers of Christ to begin with. Can you help me? ***** Sis, I want you to be careful about making generalizations about men when you’re trying to search for the answer to the question, “Why am I still single?” You generalize when you take a few, isolated experiences with men and apply them to everyone, assuming they’re all going to think or behave the same way. To assume that you’re still single because there aren’t very many...
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Are men intimidated by strong, successful Black women? That’s a question I posed to a group of over 100 professional singles–both men and women–this past weekend. And the responses were so real & raw, the conversation was LIT! I apparently touched a nerve with the fellas and the sistas. Maybe you can relate? Holla if any of these scenarios sound familiar… Scenario #1: You meet someone on BlackPeopleMeet whose profile says he has an MBA from Harvard, an honorary PhD, and a six-figure job. His parents have been married for over 40 years, and he says he’s looking for a wife. His profile picture depicts a confident, clean-cut brother, and he is one of the first to inbox you when you put your profile up. After a few text message conversations, you casually mention that you’re so excited that you’re in the market for a new house and he innocently asks to see pictures of homes you’ve been visiting. After you send them he says, “Are you expecting the man you’re with to keep up this lifestyle?” Scenario #2: You mention to the man you’ve been seeing for the last 3 months that you’re excited about your upcoming trip to Belize. He gets quiet, then tells you that you should be saving your money instead of wasting it on so many trips. He tells you he’s not going to support such a frivolous lifestyle (as though you were expecting him to do that for you anyway). Scenario #3: You step into your first date wearing your favorite pair of Red Bottoms and a fresh weave. The date seems to...
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We’re at the end of the first month of the year. How are your #relationshipgoals and resolutions coming along? I know it’s easy to get overwhelmed and even discouraged about ever meeting the man of your dreams. You may feel like, “Are there even any good men who desire commitment out there?” That’s why I’m put together my new luxury retreat, Be Found, so I can give you the inspiration, transformation and information you need to defy the odds and attract a quality man who is worthy of you. I’ll be sharing the same information my successful clients used who are now living the dream with a man who has his life together and is a true partner, provider, and protector. One of my favorite stories is from *Karen. A divorced, single mom of 2, Karen was over 40, overworked in her demanding career and life, and on the verge of giving up on ever meeting a man who was worthy of her. She’d only been on 3 dates in 10 years and there were all truck driver types: men with potential, but who just didn’t fit the vision Karen had for her life. When she started coaching with me, she was using online dating, but she had a hard time believing that there were men who would respect her Christian values to be celibate until marriage. She didn’t feel like she even had time to date because she was taking care of her elderly parents, volunteering at her church, and working multiple jobs. One year later, after using my amazingly supportive coaching system, she was married to a man...
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Dr. Aesha- I am an older single woman (45 heading to 46) never married – and I realize that dating/marrying now will necessarily be a lot different for me than it would have been in my 20s How do I let go of my ideal vision of marriage so I stop feeling like I’m dating some other woman’s leftovers? Here is what I mean. Watching your videos confirmed that, particularly your explanation about how most men are looking for younger women. This means that realistically my dating pool consists of men in their 50s, possibly above, who have been married before and/or have kids. From time to time I’ll meet a younger man (e.g. 30s) and if nothing else the young guys seem to like talking to me – but realistically they’re not going to marry me. I’m working on wrapping my head around that and coming to grips with the fact that younger guys are not a real option for me. 🙁 Here is the heart of my question — or the feelings behind it… In some ways I feel like I’m still mourning/grieving the loss of the marriage/family life I’ll never have (e.g. being a first wife, having my own biological children, no baby mama drama etc.) I know that this mourning/grieving stage affects my energy and still shapes the way I view men/relationships. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won’t have the kind of family I grew up in — and I struggle with feeling that my marriage/family life will be AT BEST 2nd rate — LESS THAN it could have been if I...
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It’s called the green-eyed monster for a reason. Jealousy changes you, especially when you’re in a romantic relationship. You’ll find yourself doing things you’d never thought you’d do when you suspect your partner may be attracted to someone other than you. Anger, fear, and insecurity are the cousins of this powerful emotion and so many of us have been taught to avoid jealousy at all costs. But what if you didn’t judge your feelings as good or bad, and instead saw them as messengers that come to bring you important information? What would your jealously reveal to you? These 3 reasons for jealousy in a relationship may shock you. You feel neglected Feeling jealous that your boyfriend seems to have such a great emotional bond with his female friend form college? Are you feeling left out of the inside jokes your girlfriend shares with her co-worker? This could be a sign that your partner is neglecting you and giving more attention to someone else. Instead of acting on your hurt feelings by trying to control who partner talks to, you could just open up and share that you want to feel more like a priority and less like an afterthought. 2. You have unexpressed expectations of your partner Your girlfriend may not know you it’s a deal breaker if she has a lot of male friends if you haven’t talked to hear about it yet. So when you get angry and begin checking her social media feeds, leaning over to peek at her phone when she’s texting, and putting your arm around her whenever he’s around, it may be a sign...
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