Dr. Aesha- I am an older single woman (45 heading to 46) never married – and I realize that dating/marrying now will necessarily be a lot different for me than it would have been in my 20s How do I let go of my ideal vision of marriage so I stop feeling like I’m dating some other woman’s leftovers? Here is what I mean. Watching your videos confirmed that, particularly your explanation about how most men are looking for younger women. This means that realistically my dating pool consists of men in their 50s, possibly above, who have been married before and/or have kids. From time to time I’ll meet a younger man (e.g. 30s) and if nothing else the young guys seem to like talking to me – but realistically they’re not going to marry me. I’m working on wrapping my head around that and coming to grips with the fact that younger guys are not a real option for me. 🙁 Here is the heart of my question — or the feelings behind it… In some ways I feel like I’m still mourning/grieving the loss of the marriage/family life I’ll never have (e.g. being a first wife, having my own biological children, no baby mama drama etc.) I know that this mourning/grieving stage affects my energy and still shapes the way I view men/relationships. I have resigned myself to the fact that I won’t have the kind of family I grew up in — and I struggle with feeling that my marriage/family life will be AT BEST 2nd rate — LESS THAN it could have been if I...
Read More
Share
It’s called the green-eyed monster for a reason. Jealousy changes you, especially when you’re in a romantic relationship. You’ll find yourself doing things you’d never thought you’d do when you suspect your partner may be attracted to someone other than you. Anger, fear, and insecurity are the cousins of this powerful emotion and so many of us have been taught to avoid jealousy at all costs. But what if you didn’t judge your feelings as good or bad, and instead saw them as messengers that come to bring you important information? What would your jealously reveal to you? These 3 reasons for jealousy in a relationship may shock you. You feel neglected Feeling jealous that your boyfriend seems to have such a great emotional bond with his female friend form college? Are you feeling left out of the inside jokes your girlfriend shares with her co-worker? This could be a sign that your partner is neglecting you and giving more attention to someone else. Instead of acting on your hurt feelings by trying to control who partner talks to, you could just open up and share that you want to feel more like a priority and less like an afterthought. 2. You have unexpressed expectations of your partner Your girlfriend may not know you it’s a deal breaker if she has a lot of male friends if you haven’t talked to hear about it yet. So when you get angry and begin checking her social media feeds, leaning over to peek at her phone when she’s texting, and putting your arm around her whenever he’s around, it may be a sign...
Read More
Share
One of the top questions I’m asked by super-successful Black women who are frustrated because they can’t seem to meet a man who is worthy of them is this: “Is Black Love Dead?” If you watched President Obama’s farewell address last night, you’d say that Black Love is alive! You witnessed his moving tribute to his wife, Michelle. It brought him to tears as he called her by her full name (you know a man loves you by the way he says your name) and thanked her in front of the whole world for 25 years of marriage, for being his best friend and the mother of his children, and for being the dopest First Lady of the United States ever to walk the Earth (my interpretation of what he said, lol) The internet went crazy! I saw posts by men and women who confessed that they cried big ‘ole ugly tears at that moment. Here’s what the guys said: I want what President Obama has with Michelle. I think I’m gonna stay single until I find that… Just sayin #livingsingle #relationshipgoals I LOVE MY WIFE! But I must say after seeing how My President admired his wife, mother of his children, and his BEST friend I’m inspired to work to be a better husband, father and best friend! Man, my heart is really pounding right now! I’m a blessed man I see women posting #relationshipgoals all the time and none of them look like this. I will miss Michelle…and I will miss the peep hole view into this relationship. A man in love with his woman…and a woman confident in that love to...
Read More
Share
Over the past year, I’ve coached people all over the world who are ready to give up on love. They tell me things like: I got this crazy message in my inbox…I’m cancelling my subscription to online dating forever! If this relationship doesn’t work out then I’m giving up. I guess I’ll just be single for the rest of my life. I’m scared to trust again. I don’t know what a man will do to me. I’m not dating anymore. God will just have to bring my mate to me. If you’re on the verge of giving up on love, let me encourage you. I understand you may be feeling some kind of way about the opposite sex, online dating, relationships, marriage, and even yourself, but giving up isn’t the answer. You have more control over how you feel about love than you think. You just have to break the negative attitude you’ve developed about your situation. Your attitude is created by the way you interpret what happens to you. I know you’ve been through hell and back in your relationships and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don’t want to try anymore and you can point to so many reasons why you have the right to feel the way you do. But here’s the thing. We all deal with crazy ups and downs in love. Everybody does, no matter their relationship status. You can’t control what happens to you, but you CAN control how you define what happens to you. So I challenge you to make a decision, right now, that you will not let...
Read More
Share
It’s a brand new year and many people are creating new resolutions to lead them to a relationship. If you like to make vision boards and you want to us one to manifest your mate, then check out my story as well as some important tips on creating a vision board that’s more than just a collection of pictures and wishful thinking. I was still reeling from a bad breakup to a toxic boyfriend. Despite all the drama that happened in our relationship, I still missed my ex, so as a way to distract myself, I focused on my graduate studies. At the time I was interviewing prominent African American women preachers for my dissertation and spent afternoons at the local bookstore to go over my notes. When I needed a break from transcribing interviews I’d browse the bookshelves. For some reason, I kept finding myself in the dating and relationships section. I’d pick up a few books secretly hoping that they could offer me some hope that my dream man was out there. Something unexpected happened. I started to dream again. Reading the books helped me refocus my energy from what I had lost in my past relationship to the sweet possibilities of what I could have in a future marriage. Soon I started grabbing bridal magazines and wedding planning books just out of curiosity. One afternoon, while thumbing through the magazines, I saw an amazing gown. “That’s it,” I thought. I could see myself in it! I bought the magazine, went home and cut the picture out of the book. My study breaks came more often...
Read More
Share
Serena Williams broke the Internet with her announcement that she’s engaged to Reddit co-founder, Alexis Ohanian. In the midst of the congratulatory posts, there’s a controversy brewing. It seems a lot of brothas are mad that Serena is marrying a white man. Here are some of their comments: How Serena Williams goin to consider her self a strong black woman and can’t even handle being with a Black man??? — Shooters Shoot (@Pyrex_Picasso) December 29, 2016 Serena Williams moved out of Compton & now decides to back it up on a White boy #Traitor pic.twitter.com/1HSJDQfZ2t — Romeo Mo Blaq™ (@PluckyNemes) December 30, 2016 I’m amazed at how sexualized and sexist these rants are about Serena! For these guys, it seems being a “strong” Black woman who can handle being with a Black man means putting up with infidelity and commitment phobia. They also seem to forget that Serena just came back to Compton with her sister, Venus, to launch the Yetunde Price Resource Center, a community service center named after their late sister who was a victim of gun violence. They project their own sexual fantasies of Serena onto her fiancé, and claim that he only wants to bang her (even though he put a ring on it!) It’s downright disgusting. The sisters, for the most part, have Serena’s back, however. They’re pointing out the fact that the Black celebrities Serena dated (Common, Drake) cheated on her, and that Serena’s been telling the world that she desperately wants marriage and a family. She did want she needed to do–and what she wanted to do: Keep her options open...
Read More
Share
You wrote it down on your New Year’s Resolution, decreed and declared it, and created a vision board for it. But it’s the end of the year, and you still didn’t attract that new relationship. You don’t have to give up on your dreams for a healthy, happy relationship. You just need to combine your faith with an easy-to-follow plan. Here are 7 easy-to-follow steps to attract a new relationship this year. Pay close attention because these are the same steps my successful clients used who are now in exclusive relationships, engaged and married! Step 1: Heal Your Heart So You Can Start Over You don’t need a new year to attract the love of your life. You need a new mindset. And it begins by resolving the emotional history you’ve developed through other relationships, otherwise you’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Dr. Stephan B. Poulter, author and prominent psychologist, calls these unresolved emotional patterns your “ex-factor,” which is “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations.” So let’s start by making a decision that you are going to release your past disappointment and raise your expectations for a new, exciting relationship. Step 2: Date, Date, Date Now that you’ve gotten your hopes up, it’s time to get back out there and date! I know it seems obvious that you’d have to go out on a date if you want a mate, but there are some serious problems with modern dating. The Netflix & Chill culture has almost made a real date obsolete. Paul C Brunson, a...
Read More
Share
Being single during the holidays can be hard. We’ve been programmed that Christmas is for family and friends so if you find yourself suddenly single (or you’ve been single for a while now), what should be a joyous time can suddenly become depressing. Mistletoe, jewelry commercials, holiday office parties, and your Aunt Eda asking you again when you’re getting married can make you feel like singleness is a disease! If you’re feeling this way, I can relate. One Christmas in particular was especially difficult for me. I had finally called it quits with a guy I’d been dating after a year and half of drama–lies, other women, and more lies–and I had moved to another state. Because of the recent move, I didn’t have money to travel home to be with my family. My new roommate invited me to spend Christmas at her grandmother’s cabin and I accepted. I was glad to be around great people, but I still felt lonely inside. Despite the fact that I knew the relationship wasn’t what I truly wanted, I couldn’t help thinking that at least I wouldn’t be alone. I was tempted to hang on a little longer, especially when my ex-boyfriend asked me what to do with the presents he’d bought me (I told him to give them to his “new girlfriend,” the one he was out with the night I’d called and he didn’t answer). It was a challenging time . . . but it didn’t have to be. I was surrounded by new friends who accepted me as one of the family and I was finally free...
Read More
Share
