If you don’t have a problem meeting men but you can’t seem to keep one long enough to make into a serious relationship, I want you to stop what you’re doing and take the next 90 seconds to read this very carefully! Despite what you’ve been taught to believe by all the gurus out there, the issue isn’t because you’re too independent and successful and men don’t know what to do with you. And it sure ain’t because there aren’t any good men out there even though your Girls’ Night Out conversations make you feel like all the good ones are taken. The real problem is… You haven’t mastered the skill of influence. And influence is all about communication. The BIGGEST communication breakdown I’ve personally helped my clients overcome so that they could finally enjoy the passionate, exciting, fulfilling relationship their heart was longing for, was what I call the Yanny vs Laurel Communication Syndrome. If you’ve been anywhere near social media in the last 24 hours, then you know that the Yanny vs Laurel debate is tearing the internet apart. There’s a recording of someone reading the word “Laurel” but some folks are hearing Yanny?!!! What?! The difference I hear in Yanny vs Laurel is frequency, focus, and perspective. In other words, what you’re EXPECTING to hear shapes what you actually hear. The first time I listened, I actually heard Yanny in the high tones…then when I looked at the word Laurel and focused on it while I silently in my mind, suddenly, all I could hear was Laurel…Laurel…Laurel…in the low tones. What does this have to do with why you can’t keep a man (stay with...
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Have you heard of Third Date Syndrome? It’s the confusing and frustrating dating pattern of never getting past the third date with the man you really like. The scenario looks like this: Date #1: After a bit of nervous laughter & awkward silences the conversation begins to flow. You sit so close to each other that his Versace Black Crystal cologne lingers on your sundress. WHEW! Date #2: He called and asked you out again. You’re excited! You wear your red bottoms and FashionNova jeans because he’s taking you to the local jazz lounge. The butterflies in your stomach make you feel like this could be The One! The warm hug and long kiss at the end of the night confirms it: The CHEMISTRY is off the charts! Date #3: He invites you to a Saturday hike but something’s “off.” He’s polite but not passionate. Is he into me? Did I say something wrong on the phone? Are my spanx showing? He promises to call you after the date, but after a few a flirty texts, he disappears. When a man ghosts you after what seemed to be momentum toward a long-term commitment, It’s easy to fall into the trap of two types of “stinkin’ thinking”: WHAT’S WRONG WITH MEN??? You may find yourself talking with your girls over brunch saying things like, “men all say they’re serious about relationships, but they’re just playing games! I’m gonna need one of these brothers to go the distance for a change, DOGGONE IT!” And at the end of busy week, your mind might race with thoughts that make you feel like...
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Are you a victim of déjà vu dating?. If your group chats with your best girlfriends are filled with complaints like– “Why does it always end up the same way? We’re in love, but he won’t commit. I shut down, then we’re in a limbo state. Before I know it, he’s on Facebook posting pictures with his new boo, and telling the world he’s going to get married. What’s wrong with me?” –then you are trapped in a cycle of either choosing the wrong man, (or making the wrong choices with the right one). Déjà vu is the feeling you get when you’re in a new situation but it feels like you’ve already lived through it. Déjà vu dating, then, is that feeling you get when you keep meeting the same man with a different face. You’re stuck in a pattern but you can’t seem to break free. I want to help you breakthrough this frustrating and vicious cycle so you can stop wasting time and choose a lasting relationship. Breakthrough #1: Finish Your Past Relationships One reason you keep choosing the same types of men is you have unfinished business from past relationships. Hear me: I know you feel like you’re over it and you may not even talk with your ex anymore, but you’ve got to know that all relationships leave an imprint on your heart and soul. When you don’t clear the emotional impact of the past, you could spend a lifetime unconsciously seeking out new relationships to fix the old wounds. Stephen B. Poulter, Ph.D. calls this the Ex-Factor. “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with...
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Have you ever been with a man for a while (let’s say 6 months) and he was clearly enjoying your company, but he never defined the relationship? You wanted to know– “where is this going?”– but you silenced your voice because you didn’t want to pressure him. You’re not sure how to have “the Talk,” but the question remains, you’re all in, is he? Or, maybe he told you in the beginning that he could see marriage and a family in his future, but when you did have “The Talk” with him about commitment, he seemed surprised because he thought you were fine with the way things are right now? This has you wondering because you’re all in but is he? What started out as a promising future ended up in heartache and confusion. Did you miss the signs? Was he lying to you about his intentions? Should you have just waited for him to bring it up? If you’ve ever been in this situation, and you’re wondering whether he’s all in, I need you to turn off that new Cardi B album and pay attention, because we need to have a conversation about the mistakes you’re making when you have “The Talk” with a man about commitment. The Talk Mistake #1: Waiting for one big talk to tell him your intentions The biggest mistake I’ve personally seen powerful, strong, successful sisters make is waiting for one special moment to bring up your desires for a monogamous relationship. This is a mistake because you can waste precious time and you give him all the power to define the relationship. You also put a...
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If you’re still single, childless, and over 40, the world can make you feel like something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s your physician pressuring you to freeze your eggs at every annual visit “just in case” you don’t meet the right man before your fertility expires. Perhaps you stumbled across gossip headlines like Media Takeout’s post which screamed “R&B Singer ASHANTI Is ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD …STILL NO MAN…And NO KIDS… What’s Wrong With Her????” Either way, it’s highly likely you’ve been battling feelings like doubt, shame, and fear, simply because you’re unmarried and childless. 👀 #MediaTakeOut is so rude 😆😩😅 #Ashanti is living her best life ever, no man or kid needed 💅🏽 A post shared by TeaTENDERS LLC (@teatenders_liv) on Mar 21, 2018 at 12:51pm PDT First things first. There’s nothing wrong with you. Period. Next, a woman’s fertility is a deeply personal and sensitive topic. It’s no one’s business why you have or haven’t had children, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As Damona Hoffman made plain in her response to Media Takeout’s attempt to shame single women who are childless, some Black women aren’t married because of a shrinking marriage market. Others made a personal decision to pursue their careers and thought love and marriage would just take care of itself. Sometimes, you’ve spent the best years of your life with a man who never put a ring on it, and now your window for having children is closing due to no fault of your own. As an expert who has worked with many women who feel real pressure to hurry up and get married...
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Did you catch me on episode 5 of Laurieann Gibson’s hot new reality TV show, Beyond the Spotlight? (If you didn’t, catch up on demand on Lifetime TV). Laurieann said, “I not only want to empower my female artists. I want to empower my friends in dating.” In short: she staged a GIRLFRIEND INTERVENTION, and called in an expert (me) to help her BFF Stella make powerful choices in relationships. You see Stella decided to take a vow of celibacy after her last relationship ended 18 months ago. She wanted to have crystal clear clarity on choosing a man who was marriage material based on the strength of their love and not just what they could do between the sheets. I love Laurieann’s heart, because we all know that some friends only tell you what they would do if they were in your situation. But your true “ride or live” besties will tell you who you need to become to change your situation. Then they take you to the people and places that have your answer! Laurieann took her friend to me because I have results in helping women who decided to date while celibate not only attract in men who were honorable and respected their sexual boundaries, they also wanted a relationship (and some put a ring on it!) #RealTalk. We all have that successful girlfriend that is rocking her career, has her credit score on point, is blazing trails in her community and is everybody’s favorite friend and auntie! She’s the first person you run to when you need advice. Yet no one, including her, can understand...
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I got this question in my Ask Dr. Aesha inbox (and girl, not even Iyanla could “fix” this!) “Hi Dr. Aesha, After struggling for some years with finding good men to date, I finally ended up finding TWO great men at almost the same time through online dating. Ive been dating them both for about 6 weeks but I’m starting to feel uncertainty about how to proceed. Although both of them are educated, kind, and emotionally and financially secure men, I feel like I have a much stronger connection to one of them (Let’s call him Adam). We just “click” a little better. The other (let’s call him Brian) is also a really nice guy and treats me well but the connection is not as “familiar” as it is with Adam. How does one navigate “choosing” to move forward with one over the other?—especially when it seems like they both want to move forward with you!? I would love to get some advice on this!” via GIPHY Dear sis– I’m happy to hear you followed my advice to open up and meet a variety of men. But now you have a bigger problem: You have two suitors who are amazing, kind, and equally interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you. You have off the charts chemistry with Adam, but you’re worried that means he’s familiar to you (and you’ve dated the wrong men in the past). Should you choose Brian, even though there’s not much of a spark yet? Having too many men to choose from is a good problem to have. It’s the natural result of...
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Can I ask you an uncomfortable question? Are you intimidated by Kim Kardashian? Do you feel she’s keeping you from meeting your husband? Wait…before you answer… I’m not talking about her culturally appropriated cornrows snatching a brother’s attention…and adding to your (mis)belief that successful Black men don’t want successful Black women. I’m talking about how she exposes your insecurities about not having the “perfect body” and how that’s affecting whether or not you feel desireable to men. Does this sound familiar? 😫 You’re waiting to lose those “last 20 lbs” before you put up full body pics on your dating profile & 7 years have passed! ✂️ You get offended when a man compliments your physical appearance first and you cut him off because he isn’t serious about getting to know you because “he only wants one thing.” 😭 You’re sad & angry that you’re still dating at 40 and your “saggy boobs” have to compete against the perky 20 and 30-somethings that men your age are choosing instead of you (or so you think). Real talk: You are trapped in a story that men are visual creatures and therefore only want you if you look like Kim K. You’re believing a lie. The truth is YOUR man wants all of you. The sway of your hips. The dimples in your thighs. That birthmark only he will ever see. He wants good morning kisses even if you didn’t brush your teeth. He wants the warmth of your embrace, the fierceness of your loyalty, the calm of your conviction and commitment to hold to your standards. He wants your heart....
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