Dear Dr. Aesha, I come to you with an open and confused mind, but a pure heart. Please help me because I have been hurting too long. My case is different. My ex and I have been apart for about eight years (seven of those years, I haven’t reached out), though he was apparently looking for me. We were together for about 10 years on and off. I have not been able to have a decent relationship since then, because even though I have been very open to someone new, no one has ever made me feel the level of security that my ex has. We were each other’s first loves. I hurt him early on by cheating on him and rubbing it in his face. He recently told me that I hurt him too bad and made him feel as though he needed multiple women around. I was a mess when I had him, but we fought hard for each other. He never changed his number in the event that I would call just like he said he never would, and when he did, he immediately had three family members reach out to me via social media. We have been back in contact for a year and while he will never text me a real message, he will always send me some type of love song. I finally saw him Sunday night and he hugged me as if he were never to let go. I apologized, and I did admit that I am absolutely still in love with him. I asked him to sleep with me, and he said no....
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The Internet is going CRAZY over Isa Rae’s hit TV show, Insecure (HBO). So many of you have written me because the relationship drama between the characters Isa, Lawrence and Tasha, has triggered toxic memories of situations with men you’d rather forget. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s a quick run down: Isa and Lawrence lived together for 5 years. He basically sat on the couch, most likely due to depression because his business launch failed. He emotionally abandoned the relationship, forgetting Isa’s birthday, and not really being available other than Netflix and Chill date nights. Isa, the passive-aggressive, avoidant personality she is, has a one-night stand with another man and it leads to a messy, heartbreaking breakup between her and Lawrence, with Lawrence running to the arms of Tasha, a sister who stroked his ego and flirted with him while he was booed up with Isa. Let’s just say she stroked something else too when he turns to her as a rebound. That was Season 1 and it caused an Internet war between #TeamIsa and #TeamLawrence. Folks (mostly men-folk) were claiming Tasha was a come up for Lawerence because she was the kind of ride-or-die sista who would support him no matter what. They blamed Isa for Lawerence’s slump, claiming that Isa should have spoken life to him instead of cheating on him. #TeamIsa admitted that Isa was wrong for cheating, but that she’d also put up with Lawerence’s “hobo-sexual” ways for many years. (A hobo-sexual is a man who is interested in crashing on your sofa, and doing the minimal effort to be physical present in a relationship)....
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HBO’s breakout hit TV show Insecure is back for another season and the Internet is back at with the #TeamLawrence vs #TeamIssa and now #TeamTasha debates. On one hand you have the sistas who see themselves in Issa and Lawerence’s relationship. They were there to hold a man down even when he was broke and broken, but when things didn’t improve, they acted on their feelings in a passive-aggressive way, and did something that damaged the relationship beyond repair. These sistas cry foul and claim men at *ish because Lawerence was unable to forgive Issa and instead of talking it out, got his ego (and something else) stroked with a rebound romp in the sheets with Tasha. #TeamLawrence folks claim that women don’t know how to support a man when he’s down. Lawrence was just depressed, they said, and Black women just don’t know how to stand by their king when he’s acting like a pauper. When a woman cheat on a man, they claim, his ego is bruised and he needs to find a woman who can love him through his ups and downs. Now this season shows the aftermath of both of their decisions, including an awkward “let’s hook up but we aren’t gonna talk about what it means naw I’m not getting back together with you” moment. It’s all a big, hot mess. I get why it’s causing such a buzz. But everyone is talking about this relationship from the perspective of their own experiences. I want change the conversation and offer another perspective as a dating coach and one of the top relationship experts for professional Black...
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Dear Dr. Aesha, I’ve been dating a nice guy and he’s starting to grow on me. We are in that honeymoon stage where everything about the person feels amazing. However I feel very insecure about living up to who he thinks I am. There are some serious areas of growth needed in my life. I’ve been working on them but I’m afraid that once he discovers that I’m not as great as he thinks I am now, he’ll leave. Should I end it first and work on me? Should I tell him about these weak points and risk scaring him away? Help! ************************************ Sis, you’ve described a common problem in dating I like to call “New Level, New Devil Syndrome.” This is when your fears, insecurities and “what ifs” rise up in you when you finally meet someone who could potentially be a good partner to you. You become aware of all your shortcomings and start to doubt if you’re really worthy of love. Why does this happen? There are 3 reasons: You haven’t dealt with your “Ex-Factor” Dr. Stephen Poulter describes the ex-factor as “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations” from past relationships (romantic and non-romantic). You’re bringing unresolved emotions into a new relationship and expecting that this one will end in a similar way. Dealing with your ex-factor will help you overcome your fears of this new guy rejecting you. 2. You have fears of vulnerability Love has a way of revealing our deepest longings…and our most terrifying fears! This is because to receive love from...
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Can we talk? Sister to sister? No, I’m not about to tell you that the reason why you’re still single (or unhappy in your relationship) is because you’re too independent and no man wants you. (That kind of advice is played out in my opinion, and doesn’t serve you well.) I am, however, going to tell you that the Strong Black Woman Syndrome is killing you and your relationships. And I am going to tell you that it’s time to make a change. What is the Strong Black Woman Syndrome? Michelle Wallace, in her groundbreaking book, Black Macho And The Myth of The Superwoman first brought awareness to this problem in 1978. She shared that Black women are thought to have “inordinate strength,” so much so that we are treated as superwomen.The Strong Black Woman doesn’t have “the same fears, weaknesses, and insecurities as other women, and she believes herself to be and is, in fact, stronger emotionally than most men.” In other words, because we have survived so much historically, socially and personally, we’ve been admired for our strength. In many ways, this legacy of strength has helped us deal with the stresses of living and loving in this world. But there’s a huge price to “being strong.” To demonstrate your strength you have to put up with a lot of crap! Being the Strong Black Woman will affect your relationships in 3 major ways: 1) Silence The SBW Syndrome can cause silence. Yes, you may know how to be sassy and read people when they need it. But, when it comes to communicating how you really feel and what you really need, you haven’t been...
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We’re continuing with our recap of my inaugural Be Found Luxury Retreat. (click here to read part 1). I want to share insiders secrets on how the ladies learned to capture a man’s attention with an authentic flirting style and by SLAYING a dating wardrobe and then they put what they learned into practice during our Secrets From The Barbershop Man Panel. Can you relate? So many of the women I work with feel confident in their careers but feel invisible or awkward around the kinds of men they like. So we solved that problem on day 2 of the retreat with two POWER PACKED workshops from my superfriends, Kim Seltzer and Scheli Jones. Kim is a confidence and flirting expert who works with women to hep them create their own signature flirting style without feeling desperate or thirsty. The ladies LOVED her tips and she used one of the guys in the room to demonstrate the power of eye contact and a smile. Scheli is a certified image consultant and life coach who helps you transform your relationship to your body and slay any outfit you put on so that you walk into a room like you own it. She walked the ladies through a head-to-toe makeover using her Image Bible. She taught us how to choose the right designers for our body types and which colors, hairstyles and make up work best for you. After a fabulous lunch with my VIP ladies, we returned for our Man’s Panel, what I called Secrets From The Barbershop. We had 6 brothers give all their man secrets about...
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We just wrapped up my inaugural live luxury retreat for smart, successful single Black women, Be Found: How To Properly Position & Prepare Yourself So Love Can Find You. The room was packed with sistas from DC, New York, Atlanta, the Carolinas, Seattle, Ohio and Southern California, and everyone experienced a dramatic transformation as they learned exactly how successful Black women can get and keep a man faster than you thought possible. Unlike other seminars for single women, Be Found is an experience designed to empower you by not just transforming your romantic relationships, but also by helping you to create a life that’s poppin’ so that you’re not just successful, but you’re happy! This means that we did inner work and outer work so that women had the confidence to not just slay in their careers, but also be seen as wifey by the right man. On day one, our VIP attendees were treated to a 30-minute chair massage from Melt on Demand, an amazing new app which brings trained massage therapists right into your home, office or hotel room. We all melted like butter and everyone gathered in a gorgeous luxury home for our Red Heels Mixer. We gave each other those “The Color Purple” type hugs, because it was the first time we were meeting in person! And ya’ll, the sistas came dressed to impressed, honey! We laughed, enjoyed homemade red velvet cupcakes by Pretty Simple Cakes that were better than your grandmama’s recipe (I’m NOT kidding!), and wrapped up the night with some fun photo booth photos! During the party we played games and did exercises that created...
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Quick question: How would you handle these two common relationship problems? (Be honest and give me your blink answer!) 1) The man you just started dating suggests you come over for the third date so he can cook for you. You don’t feel comfortable with that yet, but he keeps insisting you come. 2) Your man embarrasses you at a work function and when you bring it up to him, he withdraws, shuts down or blows up at you. I wonder if you’d make these communication mistakes that I see Strong Black Women make every day. Mistake #1: You become icy cold. You shut down and pretend like you’re fine when you know you’re not. You just don’t say anything and stuff your feelings down, maybe with a glass of wine, some ice cream or by binge watching Real House Wives of Atlanta. Mistake #2: You tell him off! (Insert hands on hips and neck rolls here). Tears, curse words, and red hot anger flow out of you like hot lava. The problem doesn’t get solved and you feel even further away from your partner. Does this sound like you, {!firstname_fix}? If so, you’re stuck in a crazy cycle of dysfunctional communication and if you don’t fix this now you’ll either shipwreck your relationships on the icebergs of your repressed resentment or you’ll burn up the connection with your man with your fiery anger. Before I share the solution, I want you to listen to how my client, Jen, learned a brand new way to communicate. She discovered that making this change caused a whole different kind of man to show up in her life and now…well you just have to listen to her story: (watch the video...
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