Hi Dr. Aesha, So I’m wondering your thoughts on restarting conversations with guys I used to date. With one guy, we dated for a few months and then he left suddenly to go overseas to take care of his sick mother. This was about 5 yrs ago. Now he’s coming back to the States and wants to reconnect. I’m open to it because things ended on good terms and we’ve had some contact over the last few years. But do I engage in conversations now, while he’s still away? Then there’s another guy who I went out with a few times maybe a year ago. He ghosted me and just contacted me on a dating app that I just downloaded. Do I respond? If so, what do I say? First of all, there’s a huge difference between someone who is an ex-boyfriend vs someone who ghosted you after a few dates. Not only is the depth of the connection different when you’ve spent more time with someone, but also the pain you feel when a person doesn’t give you any closure by disappearing is different than a real breakup. Ghosters leave you with unanswered questions: Was it something I said? Did he not like me? Was he lying to me the entire time? Someone who ghosts you lacks accountability and integrity. So when they return, acting like nothing ever happened, it can be bewildering. Your past disappointment turns into hope, but it’s fleeting: What does he want? Does he want to try again? Does he still have feelings for me? Or is he just looking for me to forgive...
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Are you dating a man who has made it clear he loves you but he also keeps you in a grey area called, “What are we?” Does he tell you sad stories about past relationships where women cheated on him and that’s why he just wants to take it slow and just go with the flow right now? Were you ok with just hanging out in the beginning but now you want something more and you’re scared that he’ll lose interest if you tell him you desire a real relationship? Maybe you’ve built a whole life together and he’s made it clear he’s your man, but he doesn’t want to be your husband because “marriage is just a piece of paper.” If you said yes to any of these common relationship scenarios, then you need to understand a critical step in dating the Matched to Married way: You give away your power when you commit to a man before he commits to you. You can feel intense chemistry. You can feel a genuine connection. But all that means is there is attraction. Attraction is a feeling. Commitment is a choice. And when a man can’t or won’t commit–to the next date, to claiming you as his girlfriend, or to making you his wife–then his indecision is a decision. When you stay with a man without expecting him to commit … …When you make yourself available to him so you won’t lose him… ….When you silence your voice so you don’t make him uncomfortable… You give in to HIS plan for your life. Let that sink in for a bit....
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Do you feel like asking the man you’re dating when he’s going to commit to you is pressuring him to do something he doesn’t want to do? Do you “go along to get along,” even though you secretly fear he’s wasting your time and won’t ever commit? How can you avoid the frustration and fear that comes when a man drags his feet to commit? And are there any signs you can use to protect yourself from being in this position again? If you’ve been dating a man for several months or even years without him sealing the deal, I want you to know you are playing a dangerous game with your life. I know you don’t want to nag him, but you’ll waste years of your life trying to convince yourself you don’t need commitment when you know in your heart you really want one. So here are the 5 words you need to listen for that will tell you he’s about to waste your time: “I’m enjoying your company but…” I don’t care if this man is treating you like a girlfriend, calls you daily, introduces you to his friends and family. I don’t care if he even calls you his “future.” If you ask “what are we?” and he says he likes spending time with you but doesn’t like labels and just wants to go with the flow, he’s giving you a disclaimer so he can cover his behind when you find out he’s seeing someone else. His disclaimer may sound something like, Hey, I never said we were a couple! or “I’m just not ready for anything serious.” He feels like his half-truth is enough to continue getting relationship privileges without any of the responsibilities and here’s why: because you accept the crumbs he’s...
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Dr. Aesha, I’m just different. I’m in love with a man who is getting married in a few months. We spend so much time together that it feels so easy. I don’t believe a man will be attracted to me that I am attracted to as well. It’s always a guy I’m not interested in and would never consider dating. I feel exactly like Molly from Insecure. All of my lighter skin friends are married and have been for years. I’ve been alone and have had multiple heartbreaks. I’m just at a point in my life where I’ve just about given up. I have a hard past but I’ve overcome it. I’m educated and I take care of myself. Why can’t a man meet me that looks at me as wife material and not a “smash and pass” because of my dark skin? I’m so tired of celebrities and social media putting so much emphasis on light skin or mixed women, adding more hurt and self esteem issues to the women like me who are struggling to find love, good jobs, & positive attention outside of being a beautiful dark skin woman. So I’m 31 now and I said screw it. He might be getting married, but he loves me and he is making mw happy. No other guy is doing that and they definitely haven’t stuck around as long as he have. It’s been 7 months. I feel like I can’t leave him but I can’t deal with another heartbreak. I just wish he would call the wedding off and marry me instead. But I know that won’t happen, so...
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Tarkesha’s boyfriend stopped having sex with her. “He said he needed some space. The next thing I knew, he was breaking up with me. We got back together 10 years later…and he did it again!” Angela’s fiancé woke up one morning and said, “I want my life back. I need you to move out.” “I was so confused and wondered what I did wrong,” she said. “He told me we were still together, and I tried convincing myself he was telling the truth. He got increasingly harsh with me. It was like talking to ICE! We broke up a few months later.” These sisters were confused and heartbroken by what seemed to be a breakup that blindsided them, and as a result, they both took a long time to recover before they tried dating again. Question: Do you wonder why men pull away, especially when they came on strong in the beginning, claimed you as their girlfriend, and seemed committed to a future with you (with the ring to prove it)? Do you find yourself freaking out when he starts slipping away and try to prove to him that you’re a good girlfriend, investing more time, buying gifts for him, running errands, taking care of his kids, making yourself available whenever he needs you, and doing everything you can to prevent what you know is inevitably coming? If so, please pay close attention to what I’m about to reveal to you, because it can be the difference between you tearing up your apartment like Isa did on the latest episode of Insecure, or walking away with confidence, knowing that there...
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Dear Dr. Aesha, I come to you with an open and confused mind, but a pure heart. Please help me because I have been hurting too long. My case is different. My ex and I have been apart for about eight years (seven of those years, I haven’t reached out), though he was apparently looking for me. We were together for about 10 years on and off. I have not been able to have a decent relationship since then, because even though I have been very open to someone new, no one has ever made me feel the level of security that my ex has. We were each other’s first loves. I hurt him early on by cheating on him and rubbing it in his face. He recently told me that I hurt him too bad and made him feel as though he needed multiple women around. I was a mess when I had him, but we fought hard for each other. He never changed his number in the event that I would call just like he said he never would, and when he did, he immediately had three family members reach out to me via social media. We have been back in contact for a year and while he will never text me a real message, he will always send me some type of love song. I finally saw him Sunday night and he hugged me as if he were never to let go. I apologized, and I did admit that I am absolutely still in love with him. I asked him to sleep with me, and he said no....
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The Internet is going CRAZY over Isa Rae’s hit TV show, Insecure (HBO). So many of you have written me because the relationship drama between the characters Isa, Lawrence and Tasha, has triggered toxic memories of situations with men you’d rather forget. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s a quick run down: Isa and Lawrence lived together for 5 years. He basically sat on the couch, most likely due to depression because his business launch failed. He emotionally abandoned the relationship, forgetting Isa’s birthday, and not really being available other than Netflix and Chill date nights. Isa, the passive-aggressive, avoidant personality she is, has a one-night stand with another man and it leads to a messy, heartbreaking breakup between her and Lawrence, with Lawrence running to the arms of Tasha, a sister who stroked his ego and flirted with him while he was booed up with Isa. Let’s just say she stroked something else too when he turns to her as a rebound. That was Season 1 and it caused an Internet war between #TeamIsa and #TeamLawrence. Folks (mostly men-folk) were claiming Tasha was a come up for Lawerence because she was the kind of ride-or-die sista who would support him no matter what. They blamed Isa for Lawerence’s slump, claiming that Isa should have spoken life to him instead of cheating on him. #TeamIsa admitted that Isa was wrong for cheating, but that she’d also put up with Lawerence’s “hobo-sexual” ways for many years. (A hobo-sexual is a man who is interested in crashing on your sofa, and doing the minimal effort to be physical present in a relationship)....
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HBO’s breakout hit TV show Insecure is back for another season and the Internet is back at with the #TeamLawrence vs #TeamIssa and now #TeamTasha debates. On one hand you have the sistas who see themselves in Issa and Lawerence’s relationship. They were there to hold a man down even when he was broke and broken, but when things didn’t improve, they acted on their feelings in a passive-aggressive way, and did something that damaged the relationship beyond repair. These sistas cry foul and claim men at *ish because Lawerence was unable to forgive Issa and instead of talking it out, got his ego (and something else) stroked with a rebound romp in the sheets with Tasha. #TeamLawrence folks claim that women don’t know how to support a man when he’s down. Lawrence was just depressed, they said, and Black women just don’t know how to stand by their king when he’s acting like a pauper. When a woman cheat on a man, they claim, his ego is bruised and he needs to find a woman who can love him through his ups and downs. Now this season shows the aftermath of both of their decisions, including an awkward “let’s hook up but we aren’t gonna talk about what it means naw I’m not getting back together with you” moment. It’s all a big, hot mess. I get why it’s causing such a buzz. But everyone is talking about this relationship from the perspective of their own experiences. I want change the conversation and offer another perspective as a dating coach and one of the top relationship experts for professional Black...
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