Hi Dr.Aesha, Is it me or is the dating pool for black women getting pretty non-existent? A little background on me: I’m single, 31 y/o black female, traditional christian beliefs, no kids. I do love our black men, but have come to the resolution that maybe I am not meant to date them. This is not to bash them, but i feel like it is taboo to talk to even my friends about this because they don’t understand what it’s like to truly ” walk in life based on your beliefs. Most of my friends have my beliefs, but are very compromising, because they have men. For example, I believe if a man cheats on you then it’s an automatic breakup…especially since you (the woman have not cheated)…but these women are willing to have “half a man” than none. So I’m at a point where I’m being told by men ” no one is perfect”…and the women are saying “girl all men cheat”. To me being “perfect” and not cheating are two different things. It is very isolating (but I won’t let up) to truly live a life that is consistent with your beliefs. I have, however, noticed that when I talk to women from different cultures that they share my beliefs and are steadfast. In fact, having a “standard” is promoted by the family and is expected. It is so surreal to see and feel the difference in how women are valued..and how families nurture their daughters in other cultures. As I get older, I truly appreciate the value of being patient and letting God control my destiny....
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Single Ladies: Are You A Great Date? By: Dr. Aesha I recently asked the fellas to step up and put the date back into dating. Now I’d like to talk to the sisters about how to be a great date! As a professional matchmaker, it’s my job to interview men about what they’re looking for in a mate. And honey, I’ve heard some amazing stories about women’s bad behavior on dates that cause men to disappear! I call these dating disconnects and I want to help you avoid them so that you can be seen as a great date by the man you want to pursue you! 1) Be a great flirt How are your flirting skills? I know, I know: Your mama may have told you good girls don’t chase men and you don’t want to be seen as “that” chick who is doing too much and looking thirsty. But here’s the deal. Flirting isn’t about being seductive. It’s about inspiring curiosity in a man so that you create a real connection with him. Then you’ll have the chance to build chemistry with him. You have to be playful, authentic and confident if you want that handsome, high-quality man to stop in his tracks and think “who is that?!” 2) Be accepting and open You’ve probably been taught to treat a date like an interview so that you screen out the wrong men and find the man who is husband material. As a result, you focus on asking “the right questions” to see where he stands on relationships. The problem is you end up judging men by how well...
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3 Simple Ways to Recognize Your Boaz Without a Supernatural Sign By: Dr. Aesha Have you ever prayed, “Lord, show me if He’s the One! And if he’s not, remove him from my life!” If so, I’m here to tell you those words are not the best way to recognize your Boaz. Here’s why: Most women who pray this are leaving it up to some supernatural sign, when God wants you to have wisdom and discernment so you can make the best choice. They say things like: He prayed over his food, so I figured he’s a God-fearing man I’ve never had a man quote scripture to me to encourage me before. He must be The One! He liked me, so I gave him a chance. He said he’d marry me tomorrow if I stopped being so demanding, so I let him be the man, even though I felt like I was suppressing myself. What if you didn’t have to look for signs or change who you were, and instead had a clear map to choose the best man for you? It’s possible! Here are 3 tips to help you get started: Read more at my blog on...
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The #1 Reason Why Christian Women Stay Single By: Dr. Aesha The other day I received this question in my inbox: “What do you actually have to do as a single Christian young woman to meet your man. Wait? Or is there are something else?“ With so many Christian singles hearing dating advice like “wait on the Lord,” it’s no wonder this sista is confused and looking for real answers. The messages to Christian singles are conflicting. They’re told to “wait” until marriage to have sex. At the same time they’re supposed to “wait on the Lord” before getting married. I remember feeling frustrated with this advice when I was single. I wanted to know specific things I should do to meet the right man. But all I heard was: “Wait.” Now that I’m a dating coach and matchmaker for Christian singles, I can understand the heart of the “wait on the Lord message.” I believe it genuinely comes from a heart of protection, designed to keep people from making mistakes. For example, when I was 20 years old, the church mothers told me to “wait on the Lord,” when they saw I was going to marry a man who was emotionally and verbally abusive. They could see the signs before I could and they wanted to help me avoid pain. “Wait on the Lord” was secret code for “Baby, don’t marry that man. This isn’t a healthy relationship. I don’t want you to make a mistake.’ The mothers were right. Waiting to hear from the Lord before you make a decision to marry someone is wise. Waiting to meet a man is not. First of all, this...
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Dating In Your 30s, 40s and 50s: Is There A Difference? By: Dr. Aesha My “Ask Dr. Aesha” inbox has been bursting with your questions. I received these 3 questions around the same time: Question 1: I was wondering if you have any advice for the 30 + single, educated, God-fearing and no kids. I have done the suggestions that you have mentioned in your blogs. However I seem to keep getting the guys that don’t have time for me, have all these physical expectations (ex. hair type, body types, ect.), want sex (right away), won’t commit, don’t want to compromise or they are the other extreme too needy, mommas boys, ect. Any and all advise is always appreciated. Getting frustrating out here. Question 2: Dear Dr. Aesha: My biggest challenge dating in my 40’s is finding available men to date that are looking for friendship & companionship first (and not just sex)! Question 3: Dr. Aesha, What, if anything, can women over 50 do to find men that are interested in dating for commitment…Not fringe benefits I hear this every day. Thanks for all you do to encourage singles. **** Wow. Did you notice the similar themes? Whether the woman is dating in her 30s, 40s, or 50s, they all have the same struggle: finding a commitment-minded man who wants more than sex! Can you relate to these sistas? Are you hiding out at home, ready to give up on dating because you HATE the club scene (and you intuitively know that the kind of man you want isn’t hanging out there anyway)? Are you tired of investing your...
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Does God Choose The Person You’re Supposed To Marry? By: Dr. Aesha Does God choose the person you’re supposed to marry? I used to think so. That false belief led me into unhealthy relationships. Let me explain. I met my ex-fiance at the age of 19. I thought he was “The One.” We liked many of the same things and shared many of the same values. To top it all off, when asked by my father why he wanted to marry me, my ex said “The Lord told me to.” (Real romantic, huh?) I struggled to let the relationship go even though all the signs of verbal and emotional abuse were there. I thought he was “the ONE” sent to me by God. “If only I prayed more or changed who I was, then things would work out,” I reasoned. When I talked to his mother about what was going on in the relationship, she gave me a bit of advice I still remember to this day: “He’s not your only option.” I was confused. In graduate school, I met another guy who announced, “God said you are my wife.” He was nothing like the kind of man I’d prayed for, but if God said it, I reasoned, then maybe He was giving me what I needed, not what I wanted. (I KNOW you’ve heard that one before). Things quickly unraveled when I discovered he was dating other women on the side. Ironically, my husband never said anything about the will of the Lord or fate or destiny or any other phrase we tend use to describe meeting our one true...
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