I recently hosted a group coaching call for single women to ask me any question about their dating and relationship challenges. One of the questions really stood out to me. The sister asked me if she really had to stop all communication with an ex-boyfriend. When I asked her why she was holding onto a man from her past who made it clear he wasn’t ever going to commit to her, she said this: “He provides companionship for me. Besides, he told me I’d never meet anyone else like him. He’s right! I compare everyone I’m dating to him, and no one measures up.” I told this sister that by convincing herself she had a real connection with an emotionally unavailable man, she was driving her future partner away! Do you have a similar story? If you’re still talking to your ex or holding onto items that remind you of him, then I have some news for you: You aren’t over him, and you’ll continue to struggle with dating until you do this one important thing: Deal with your ex-factor. How to Get Over Your Ex My personal experience of moving on from a broken engagement —along with insight from psychologists—leads me to this conclusion. I held on to the engagement ring for years after my relationship came to an end. I kept the ring, along with a pile of cards, letters and old journals, in which I’d written about my ex-fiance, in a plastic shoebox and hid it under my bed. Whenever I was lonely, I’d take out the keepsake box, flip through the papers and try on the ring. The happy memories of...
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If you’re still single, childless, and over 40, the world can make you feel like something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s your physician pressuring you to freeze your eggs at every annual visit “just in case” you don’t meet the right man before your fertility expires. Perhaps you stumbled across gossip headlines like Media Takeout’s post which screamed “R&B Singer ASHANTI Is ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD …STILL NO MAN…And NO KIDS… What’s Wrong With Her????” Either way, it’s highly likely you’ve been battling feelings like doubt, shame, and fear, simply because you’re unmarried and childless. 👀 #MediaTakeOut is so rude 😆😩😅 #Ashanti is living her best life ever, no man or kid needed 💅🏽 A post shared by TeaTENDERS LLC (@teatenders_liv) on Mar 21, 2018 at 12:51pm PDT First things first. There’s nothing wrong with you. Period. Next, a woman’s fertility is a deeply personal and sensitive topic. It’s no one’s business why you have or haven’t had children, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As Damona Hoffman made plain in her response to Media Takeout’s attempt to shame single women who are childless, some Black women aren’t married because of a shrinking marriage market. Others made a personal decision to pursue their careers and thought love and marriage would just take care of itself. Sometimes, you’ve spent the best years of your life with a man who never put a ring on it, and now your window for having children is closing due to no fault of your own. As an expert who has worked with many women who feel real pressure to hurry up and get married...
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One of the most common questions people ask me is how long they should wait to start dating again after a break up. I have to warn you: you might not like my answer! It depends. I don’t know important information about your situation, like: Were you in a marriage, long-term relationship or a new relationship that was just getting off the ground? How long were you together? Why did you breakup? How long ago did you break up? Your answers to these questions determine your availability. I’m not just talking about whether you have time to date. I’m talking about if you have room in your heart and soul for a new relationship. You should start dating again after a breakup ONLY when you are emotionally available for someone new. In other words, you can date again when you’re over it. How do you know if you’re over it? You wouldn’t want to get back together with your ex, even if he bought a ring, hired Eric Benet to serenade you, and he surprised you with a proposal in front of all your friends and family You can talk about your ex to another man without telling all the details of what he did to you You don’t cry (or cuss) when you think of your ex You’re clear about the role you did or did not play in the relationship issues and/or breakup You can see the positive lessons from the relationship and you’re willing to grow from them Now this isn’t a complete list of signs you’re over your ex. There are a ton of other factors that can affect how relationship-ready...
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Serena Williams broke the Internet with her announcement that she’s engaged to Reddit co-founder, Alexis Ohanian. In the midst of the congratulatory posts, there’s a controversy brewing. It seems a lot of brothas are mad that Serena is marrying a white man. Here are some of their comments: How Serena Williams goin to consider her self a strong black woman and can’t even handle being with a Black man??? — Shooters Shoot (@Pyrex_Picasso) December 29, 2016 Serena Williams moved out of Compton & now decides to back it up on a White boy #Traitor pic.twitter.com/1HSJDQfZ2t — Romeo Mo Blaq™ (@PluckyNemes) December 30, 2016 I’m amazed at how sexualized and sexist these rants are about Serena! For these guys, it seems being a “strong” Black woman who can handle being with a Black man means putting up with infidelity and commitment phobia. They also seem to forget that Serena just came back to Compton with her sister, Venus, to launch the Yetunde Price Resource Center, a community service center named after their late sister who was a victim of gun violence. They project their own sexual fantasies of Serena onto her fiancé, and claim that he only wants to bang her (even though he put a ring on it!) It’s downright disgusting. The sisters, for the most part, have Serena’s back, however. They’re pointing out the fact that the Black celebrities Serena dated (Common, Drake) cheated on her, and that Serena’s been telling the world that she desperately wants marriage and a family. She did want she needed to do–and what she wanted to do: Keep her options open...
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Have you tried that online dating thing? If so, chances are you’ve swiped left, passing up your perfect partner (and for petty reasons, too)! Let me explain. You probably know that your success in online dating rising and falls on your photos. My coaching clients know this because I recommend that they get professional photos done so they won’t be judged unfairly by men who, according to an OKCupid study, spend most of their time writing to the women they consider most attractive (about 1/3 of the women online). That sounds harsh, I know, but the fellas are actually judged more unfairly than women! In the same OKC study, they discovered that women rated 80% of the man as below average in looks (dang, sisters!). From what I’ve seen in working one on one with sisters, helping them pick out men to talk to on the dating sites, the guys are getting dissed because of bad dating photos. Dudes posting selfies of themselves dripping with sweat in the gym or climbing out the river after being baptized (true story) just aren’t that attractive. So what if you see a guy who has really bad photos? Should you give him a chance? And what should you do if his pics reflect questionable behavior like clubbing? If you swipe left, are you just being petty? I’m tackling this question in episode #3 of Ask Dr. Aesha TV. Our viewer asks if she should give a guy who looks like a Party Animal in his photos a second glance, or if her first impressions are correct. Watch now for my advice by clicking the video below (or just click here). Look. I...
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Are you done with dating? Feel like giving up on love? I get it. You’re tired of all the games. You put up a dating profile only to get an inbox full of people you’d never say hi to in real life. You spend so much time and energy into the process that it feels like a full time job. Then, just when you meet someone who has potential, you find out he’s lying, cheating or just not that into you. Or maybe you’ve gone through a really bad breakup with someone who told you he wanted marriage and family in the beginning and then one year later acts like YOU made it all up and he never even wanted a relationship in the first place. You feel like you opened your heart and got nothing in return except wasted time. And the last thing you want to do is waste your time! So it’s easy to just give up on love. Go back to school. Focus on enjoying your life. Travel, hang out with friends and family and do bad all by yourself. If you feel this way, I want you to know you’re not alone. In fact, just this week I got a question from Gabby who writes, “Hello Dr Aesha. How do you keep going with dating, because I gave up.” Let’s have a sista-to-sista talk in today’s episode where I share the secret to keeping dating until you meet The One. Click the video below to watch: Now tell me, are you done with dating? Do you need some inspiration to believe in love again?...
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I know you know what you want in a man. But do you know what you need? I ask all the women who work with me this question, because it’s clear to me that most women who find themselves stuck in a pattern of choosing men who break their heart over and over again, don’t know how to discern a man who is husband material. They’re drawn to the wrong qualities that attract them to toxic partners and friend zone men who would make an amazing husband! I teach them how to “let the man be the man” so that they can easily distinguish between a player and a partner. But what does that even mean, and how can it help you choose a husband? First you need to understand that choosing a boyfriend isn’t the same thing as choosing a husband. From my observations as a coach and matchmaker, I’ve seen sistas choose men because of the chemistry they feel with him. They like the way a man dresses or assumes that because he’s successful in a career, he’ll have what it takes to be a good partner. They like a man with SWAG, without understanding that the man who sweeps you off your feet in the beginning of a relationship will often knock the life out of you by the end of the breakup. I want you in a happy relationship with a husband, not just blown away by a boyfriend. So let me share with you the profiles of three kinds of men you’re likely to encounter in dating, keeping in mind that not all men fall...
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Dr. Aesha— I see you often proclaim that your husband proposed in 11 short months despite originally shying away front the thought of marriage. However, just about every piece of advice I’ve found, including from your articles, encourages women not to waste their time with men who make it clear from the beginning that marriage is not on the menu…So, which one is it? Should I still communicate with and remain open to a man who isn’t interested in marriage or do I pack my bags and avoid wasting my time? *************************** First, let me clarify something in my love story. My husband was interested in marriage. He wasn’t, however, actively looking for a wife, and he wanted me to know that upfront. Second, there’s a big difference between a man who isn’t ready for marriage and someone who doesn’t believe in marriage. My husband was marriage-minded but wasn’t relationship-ready, which is why I continued to see him, although I didn’t open up my heart to him until after we’d had conversations about where we were headed in the future. I knew he wasn’t just a commitment-phobe because we had in-depth conversations about what we both wanted in the future and he talked about having a family of his own. Once we became official, I went into the relationship knowing full well that we were working toward marriage. So how can you tell if a man doesn’t believe in marriage? Here are 3 warning signs: 1. He tries to convince you that marriage is just a piece of paper. If you ask your man when you’re getting married and he says, “Come...
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You just want to love and be loved. So why is it so hard to attract a good man who believes in commitment when you’re a successful Black woman? On this training call, I’m going to tell you what most relationship and dating gurus never dare to expose: the truth about why dating is so challenging when you’re a highly educated, high achieving, purpose driven, successful sista. (Yes, your suspicions were correct, girl!) On this free call, you will discover: The very simple, PROVEN system my clients have followed that resulted in 90% of them being engaged, in long-term relationships or actively dating (2-4 dates per week) in the last 12 months Why 100% of my successful clients report feeling more confident, peaceful and in control of their futures with the skill set to have options in dating instead setting for any ole person that comes along Why successful singles avoid dating by focusing on their careers, families and other activities, and how they used my amazingly supportive coaching system to break their patterns of hiding, putting themselves last, dating the wrong men or feeling anxious about whether a relationship would really work out. Why I’m getting DMs, emails, and invites saying “thank you,” “I wouldn’t have met him if it weren’t for you,” and even “I’m getting married in 2 weeks!” How you can create an action plan that you can execute within the remaining months of this year and begin building a brand new love life from scratch Make sure you register now! <<CLICK HERE>> Then put this preview call on your calendar right away. Date: Wednesday, September 28, 2016 Time: 9 PM EST Look, I know you’re busy so if you can’t make it...
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“I’m 57. Booty calls are a dime a dozen, but a relationship worth having is rare at my age.” This comment came from one of Facebook followers. Yes, when you’re smart, successful and dating in your 50s you face a unique dating pool. I’ve worked with some women who are Fab & Fifty who have never been married and others who are re-entering the dating scene after a divorce or death of a spouse. What they’ve encountered are men who still haven’t matured (yes, age isn’t an indication a man has grown up yet!) or who are wanting to date around because they were married for most of their lives and now want to just “be friends” and “enjoy one another’s company.” Some have emotional and financial baggage and are trying to recover from a divorce or a lifetime of poor financial choices. When they do meet a man who wants a wife, these men are often looking for a younger woman or they act like old men who are so set in their traditional ways and just want someone to cook, clean, and play nurse when they get sick. Some of them really are sick, like the man Essie was seeing. “He said with all of his health issues, he wasn’t sure he wanted to involve me in that. But he’s happy to have my company.” But it is possible to meet a partner in your 50s! Let me share tips from the work I’ve done with a client named Essie (not her real name) 1. Reinvent yourself Using my Making Room For The One System, we took...
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