Secrets From The Barbershop: 9 Signs A Man Is Ready For A Relationship By: Dr. Aesha Now that I’m Team Natural, I get my hair cut at the barbershop. And sistas, you won’t believe the secrets I get to hear when I’m there! (Yes, the guys talk about relationships when you’re not around). I recently had a chance to talk with one of the guys there about what he’s looking for in a woman. In fact, any time I’m around a professional, high-quality man, I’m always asking him what he thinks about dating, relationships and marriage. This helps me better understand men so I can help the sisters I coach and mentor find love and keep it! In my barbershop conversation, the bachelor said something that I’ll never forget. HE said: “I don’t have trouble getting a girlfriend. I just can’t find the right girl to settle down with and start a family. I’m looking for someone I can invest in.” Did you pick up on that? This is a man who has his house in order. He’s got a great career, he takes care of his business, he’s clear on his values and he knows what he’s looking for! He is looking for someone to invest in. If we look at that word in the world of finance, an investment is putting time, energy, and money into something valuable, with the hope and expectation of gaining some type of benefit from it in the future. In other words, when a man is ready to settle down, he’s looking to give his time, energy and love into a woman who will...
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How A Caramel Macchiato Changed My Life By: Dr. Aesha The day your life changes feels just like any other day. Around this time 9 years ago, I had just moved back home to the Midwest to finish up my dissertation and teach at the university where I’d completed my bachelor’s degree. To say I didn’t want to be there was an understatement. I was ready to find love and I knew the dating scene in my small hometown wasn’t that great. I felt frustrated and hopeless and decided to focus on my work so I wouldn’t have to think about that nagging loneliness in my heart. Then one day, all of that changed. I got an email from Roy, asking if I ever wanted to come out of my cubicle and hang out. I said yes and we met at the Starbucks on 16th and Wells and sipped on carmel macchiatos–two pumps of carmel, please– for about an hour. It was the only drink I knew how to order lol! Little did I know that it would change my life! Saying “yes” to that little get together with Roy created a big shift in my life. You see it wasn’t really a date. I didn’t know if he was romantically interested in me or if he was just being nice. I had no idea what to expect, and to be honest, I really didn’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed again. However, I just knew that all experiences have power and you never know which one will change your life. The thing is,...
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Dating In Your 30s, 40s and 50s: Is There A Difference? By: Dr. Aesha My “Ask Dr. Aesha” inbox has been bursting with your questions. I received these 3 questions around the same time: Question 1: I was wondering if you have any advice for the 30 + single, educated, God-fearing and no kids. I have done the suggestions that you have mentioned in your blogs. However I seem to keep getting the guys that don’t have time for me, have all these physical expectations (ex. hair type, body types, ect.), want sex (right away), won’t commit, don’t want to compromise or they are the other extreme too needy, mommas boys, ect. Any and all advise is always appreciated. Getting frustrating out here. Question 2: Dear Dr. Aesha: My biggest challenge dating in my 40’s is finding available men to date that are looking for friendship & companionship first (and not just sex)! Question 3: Dr. Aesha, What, if anything, can women over 50 do to find men that are interested in dating for commitment…Not fringe benefits I hear this every day. Thanks for all you do to encourage singles. **** Wow. Did you notice the similar themes? Whether the woman is dating in her 30s, 40s, or 50s, they all have the same struggle: finding a commitment-minded man who wants more than sex! Can you relate to these sistas? Are you hiding out at home, ready to give up on dating because you HATE the club scene (and you intuitively know that the kind of man you want isn’t hanging out there anyway)? Are you tired of investing your...
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4 Reasons Why You Get Stuck With The Wrong Man And What To Do About It By: Dr. Aesha Most of my time with my relationship coaching clients is spent helping them decide if they should stay or if they should go. They find themselves stuck with the wrong man and they dont’ know what to do. If you find yourself in the same situation, let me help you. Here are 4 reasons why you get stuck with Mr. Wrong and what you can do to find Mr. Right 1. You Overvalue Chemistry One woman told me “I believe in love at first sight.” If she doesn’t feel those fireworks, butterfiles or fire in the eyes of a man, she doesn’t give a man another chance. This is a romantic, but dangerous belief. Sometimes chemistry just means comfort. It’s just as easy to fall in love with the wrong person as it is to fall in love with the right one. Be careful! 2. You’ve Invested So Much Time Already I remember going back to the guy who told me “I don’t think I ever want to get married,” the morning after because I felt like I’d invested so much of my time, body and energy in the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it was! Once I realized that marriage to the wrong person wouldn’t be a return on an investment, it would be a huge LOSS, I let go. You can too! 3. You Lower Your Standards You decide you should be grateful for having someone, even if the realtionship isn’t what you want. So to keep...
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What Do You Do If There’s No Chemistry On A Date? By: Dr. Aesha “Go out with someone four times before you decide the person is not for you. I don’t believe in first impressions.” ~Anne Teachworth I agree Ms. Teachworth: First impressions are overrated. Let me tell you why. When I first saw my husband, everything about him screamed “I am a confident, ALPHA male.” However, when he asked me out on our first real date, all of that went out the door. We look back and laugh about it now, but it was a really awkward moment. I’d invited Roy to spend Thanksgiving dinner with my family and he accepted even though he’d purchased tickets to Atlanta over a year ago, to spend the holidays with his friends. Something told him not to go, he told me once we’d started dating. He fit right in with my large, loud family and hung around until late that evening. There was this awkward silence as I tried to walk him to the door to say goodbye, because he wasn’t really moving toward the door. He was just standing there. Suddenly, his eyes widened, his body stiffened, and he blurted out: “You feel like going out?” I was so floored that it took me a minute to answer. It seemed like an eternity passed before I squealed, “YES!” I think we both let out a sigh of relief and then. . . more awkwardness as we tried to figure out where we should go for our first date. The entire date was awkward, including the moment he walked me back to...
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Dating After 40: What Do Men Want? By: Dr. Aesha Dear Dr. Aesha– “What do men in their forties want in a relationship?” ~Dating after 40 and Still Confused ********* Dear Dating After 40 and Still Confused, I’m so glad you asked me this question! Since you didn’t give me any details about yourself, I have to make a lot of assumptions here about your age and what you’re looking for in a relationship. I’ll draw from my experience coaching women in their forties who are serious about finding “The One.” The very first thing you should know is that men in their 40s who are serious about relationships tend to want something very different than women in their 40s. It’s a little shocking to women to hear this because they expect the men in their peer group to want similar things as they do. But once you are over 35, you’ve entered an experience I like to call “Grown Folks’ Dating” and the dating game has changed! Think about this: when you were in high school, you dated guys in your own peer group. I mean, dating an “older” man consisted of picking someone 3 years older but who didn’t own his own car and thought burping games were fun. We all wanted the same things then, right? In your 20s, you were probably taught to focus on school, travel, and your career goals before settling down to start a family. Most men probably weren’t told anything about when they should think about marriage and family. There’s no strong social pressure on men to settle down and their biological clock isn’t really ticking for them. ...
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My Story Of How I Met & Married My Husband In 11 Months By: Dr. Aesha He walked into the room like he owned it. “Who is THAT?” I said to myself. I had no idea someone that handsome was on campus. He was the epitome of masculinity. It wasn’t just the fact that he was wearing his naval officer’s uniform. It was the way he commanded the room, as though his presence meant we were all under his protection. The day I met my husband almost didn’t happen, however. I was invited to attend the New Faculty Luncheon hosted by the Dean, but I’d decided not to go. I was tired of attending all these Let’s Celebrate The Beginning of the School Year events. I just wanted to get to work. At the last minute I decided to just suck it up and go to the little luncheon. I was on a dissertation fellowship and my goal was to finish my project, teach a class, and then find a job so I could move back to Charlotte, North Carolina, where I was certain I would find my husband. As far as I was concerned Milwaukee didn’t have any marriageable men so I didn’t want to stay there! But meeting this man changed my attitude, little by little. We didn’t exchange numbers when we first met. In fact, he barley smiled at me even though I sat across the table from him during the luncheon. We had a brief conversation on the walk back to campus, during which I discovered we attended the same church. I found out later he didn’t want his Executive Officer,...
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4 Reasons Why He Won’t Commit By: Dr. Aesha Do you ever feel like you’re dating a wishy washy man? One day you’re in a relationship. The next day he isn’t ready to commit. One day he loves you. The next day he wants to take it slow. Why won’t he just seal the deal and commit? And what should you do when you find yourself in this situation? I want to take you into the mind of men and share how they think about commitment. Of course not all men think alike, but after interviewing men over the last 4 years, I’ve watched them open up and share their man secrets. They tell me things they’d never share with you. For example, the other day the cashier at the grocery store asked me what I did for a living. As soon as he heard I was a matchmaker, he opened up his heart right there in the 12 Items or Less Express line, and told me about his latest fight with his girlfriend. “I’ve been married twice and I’m dating someone now. She wants to get married which is understandable since she’s getting older. I’m just unsure. . . “ His commitment issues have caused them to break up several times. You can tell he loved her and he even tried couples counseling to work on their relationship. But he’s still hasn’t put a ring on it. The truth is, many men are relationship-minded and want marriage, so when they hesitate to commit, there’s a deeper reason. Here are the top 4 reasons that I’ve discovered from my interviews with men:...
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Should You Get Rid Of Your Ideal Man List? By: Dr. Aesha Chances are if you’re serious about relationships and you’re looking for the perfect partner, you probably have “The List.” As a matchmaker and dating coach, I feel obligated to tell you the truth: If you want to find your dream man, you’ve got to get rid of your ideal man list. I confess. I had a list. When I was a single 20-something graduate student, my girlfriends and I used to sit around after a night of watching chick flicks to talk about the man of our dreams. I had a slightly different perspective than my friends because I had been engaged before. Read the rest of my personal story at my blog on Digital Romance here– http://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/should-you-get-rid-of-your-ideal-man-list/ With Love, Dr....
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3 Tips For Single Parent Dating By: Dr. Aesha I just got a question in my “Ask Dr. Aesha” mailbag. It’s from a single dad who is back on the dating scene after a divorce. He asked: “I have 3 kids (I’m divorced) and I’m dating someone with no kids. When is the appropriate time to introduce the kids to her? We’ve been dating for 2 months, and it’s definitely too soon now, but we are getting serious about each other.” ~Single Dad Dating This is a fantastic question because many of my clients are dating after divorce or a long relationship and want to know how to date when they have kids. I’ve put together 3 questions for you to consider before you introduce your new partner to your kids: 1) How old are your kids and how do they feel about you dating? 2) How would they feel if things didn’t work out with the new person and she went away? How will you talk to them about it? 3) How does your girlfriend feel about being a part of the kids’ lives since she doesn’t have any children of her own? Bringing your family into your new relationship is going to change it. Your partner will see you in a new light. Watching you in “Daddy mode” is going to show her a different side of you than what she sees when you’re on a romantic date. She’ll likely imagine what her future with you might be like as well. So if you haven’t committed to each other yet, she’s going to have another experience with you that will affect...
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