One of the most common questions people ask me is how long they should wait to start dating again after a break up. I have to warn you: you might not like my answer! It depends. I don’t know important information about your situation, like: Were you in a marriage, long-term relationship or a new relationship that was just getting off the ground? How long were you together? Why did you breakup? How long ago did you break up? Your answers to these questions determine your availability. I’m not just talking about whether you have time to date. I’m talking about if you have room in your heart and soul for a new relationship. You should start dating again after a breakup ONLY when you are emotionally available for someone new. In other words, you can date again when you’re over it. How do you know if you’re over it? You wouldn’t want to get back together with your ex, even if he bought a ring, hired Eric Benet to serenade you, and he surprised you with a proposal in front of all your friends and family You can talk about your ex to another man without telling all the details of what he did to you You don’t cry (or cuss) when you think of your ex You’re clear about the role you did or did not play in the relationship issues and/or breakup You can see the positive lessons from the relationship and you’re willing to grow from them Now this isn’t a complete list of signs you’re over your ex. There are a ton of other factors that can affect how relationship-ready...
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“I’m 57. Booty calls are a dime a dozen, but a relationship worth having is rare at my age.” This comment came from one of Facebook followers. Yes, when you’re smart, successful and dating in your 50s you face a unique dating pool. I’ve worked with some women who are Fab & Fifty who have never been married and others who are re-entering the dating scene after a divorce or death of a spouse. What they’ve encountered are men who still haven’t matured (yes, age isn’t an indication a man has grown up yet!) or who are wanting to date around because they were married for most of their lives and now want to just “be friends” and “enjoy one another’s company.” Some have emotional and financial baggage and are trying to recover from a divorce or a lifetime of poor financial choices. When they do meet a man who wants a wife, these men are often looking for a younger woman or they act like old men who are so set in their traditional ways and just want someone to cook, clean, and play nurse when they get sick. Some of them really are sick, like the man Essie was seeing. “He said with all of his health issues, he wasn’t sure he wanted to involve me in that. But he’s happy to have my company.” But it is possible to meet a partner in your 50s! Let me share tips from the work I’ve done with a client named Essie (not her real name) 1. Reinvent yourself Using my Making Room For The One System, we took...
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Before You Give Up On Love, Read This By: Dr. Aesha Over the past year, I’ve coached people all over the world who are ready to give up on love. They tell me things like: I got this crazy message in my inbox…I’m cancelling my subscription to online dating forever! If this relationship doesn’t work out then I’m giving up. I guess I’ll just be single for the rest of my life. I’m scared to trust again. I don’t know what a man will do to me. I’m not dating anymore. God will just have to bring my mate to me. If you’re on the verge of giving up on love, let me encourage you. I understand you may be feeling some kind of way about the opposite sex, online dating, relationships, marriage, and even yourself, but giving up isn’t the answer. You have more control over how you feel about love than you think. You just have to break the negative attitude you’ve developed about your situation. Your attitude is created by the way you interpret what happens to you. I know you’ve been through hell and back in your relationships and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don’t want to try anymore and you can point to so many reasons why you have the right to feel the way you do. But here’s the thing. We all deal with crazy ups and downs in love. Everybody does, no matter their relationship status. You can’t control what happens to you, but you CAN control how you define what happens to you. So I challenge you...
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Dating After 40: What Do Men Want? By: Dr. Aesha Dear Dr. Aesha– “What do men in their forties want in a relationship?” ~Dating after 40 and Still Confused ********* Dear Dating After 40 and Still Confused, I’m so glad you asked me this question! Since you didn’t give me any details about yourself, I have to make a lot of assumptions here about your age and what you’re looking for in a relationship. I’ll draw from my experience coaching women in their forties who are serious about finding “The One.” The very first thing you should know is that men in their 40s who are serious about relationships tend to want something very different than women in their 40s. It’s a little shocking to women to hear this because they expect the men in their peer group to want similar things as they do. But once you are over 35, you’ve entered an experience I like to call “Grown Folks’ Dating” and the dating game has changed! Think about this: when you were in high school, you dated guys in your own peer group. I mean, dating an “older” man consisted of picking someone 3 years older but who didn’t own his own car and thought burping games were fun. We all wanted the same things then, right? In your 20s, you were probably taught to focus on school, travel, and your career goals before settling down to start a family. Most men probably weren’t told anything about when they should think about marriage and family. There’s no strong social pressure on men to settle down and their biological clock isn’t really ticking for them. ...
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Should You Get Rid Of Your Ideal Man List? By: Dr. Aesha Chances are if you’re serious about relationships and you’re looking for the perfect partner, you probably have “The List.” As a matchmaker and dating coach, I feel obligated to tell you the truth: If you want to find your dream man, you’ve got to get rid of your ideal man list. I confess. I had a list. When I was a single 20-something graduate student, my girlfriends and I used to sit around after a night of watching chick flicks to talk about the man of our dreams. I had a slightly different perspective than my friends because I had been engaged before. Read the rest of my personal story at my blog on Digital Romance here– http://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/should-you-get-rid-of-your-ideal-man-list/ With Love, Dr....
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3 Tips For Single Parent Dating By: Dr. Aesha I just got a question in my “Ask Dr. Aesha” mailbag. It’s from a single dad who is back on the dating scene after a divorce. He asked: “I have 3 kids (I’m divorced) and I’m dating someone with no kids. When is the appropriate time to introduce the kids to her? We’ve been dating for 2 months, and it’s definitely too soon now, but we are getting serious about each other.” ~Single Dad Dating This is a fantastic question because many of my clients are dating after divorce or a long relationship and want to know how to date when they have kids. I’ve put together 3 questions for you to consider before you introduce your new partner to your kids: 1) How old are your kids and how do they feel about you dating? 2) How would they feel if things didn’t work out with the new person and she went away? How will you talk to them about it? 3) How does your girlfriend feel about being a part of the kids’ lives since she doesn’t have any children of her own? Bringing your family into your new relationship is going to change it. Your partner will see you in a new light. Watching you in “Daddy mode” is going to show her a different side of you than what she sees when you’re on a romantic date. She’ll likely imagine what her future with you might be like as well. So if you haven’t committed to each other yet, she’s going to have another experience with you that will affect...
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The Two Most Important Skills You Need To Be Happy In Relationships By: Dr. Aesha She instantly came out of her downward spiral of panic when I told my 30-something, never-been-married coaching client this: “There’s nothing wrong with you. You just lack some important dating and relationship skills. If you can learn how to drive, then you could learn these skills!” I don’t think anyone had ever told her this powerful information before. “What skills,” she asked, thoughtfully. “And how do I get them?” Before I share the two most important skills you need to be happy in relationships, let me say that I learned them the hard way. Like most singles I work with in my matchmaking agency, I was programmed to think that love and relationships should come naturally. I thought love would just find me. And I thought that once I fell in love and started a new relationship that things would naturally unfold and we’d end up married. A broken engagement and a drama-filled relationship with a player showed me that I didn’t really know what I was doing. The problem is we rely on chemistry to guide our choices. And once chemistry fizzles out (or if wasn’t there in the first place), you look for someone to blame. Most people internalize their dating and relationship failures. For example, I bumped into a man the other day who shared his online dating frustrations with me. “I sent this lady a Happy Birthday email and she didn’t respond to me,” he huffed. “I don’t understand why people could be so rude. At least she could have said she wasn’t interested.” Little did he know that he just lacked...
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The #1 Problem With Dating By: Aesha Adams-Roberts "What's the number #1 reason why women are single," she asked me. Without hesitation I said, "Women aren't dating enough OR they're dating the wrong types of people." Honey, if you could've seen the look on her face! She looked like she wanted to clutch her pearls because I'd said something so outrageous. For the next few minutes she grilled me with that "nice-nasty" tone you get when someone disagrees with you, but she still wants to be polite. "Well, do you teach from a biblical perspective." It wasn't so much a question as it was an accusation. At least that's the way it felt to me. I guess to this sista, dating is not biblical. (I've dealt with this issue in a previous article and conference call. Check it out here if you missed it). But as one of my Buddhist male clients said to me once, "If Christians don't date, how will they ever make little Christians?" My conversation with this sista rang in the back of my head when I saw a statsitic this week reported by one of my colleagues, Paul Brunson. He said the #1 problem with dating is that no one's doing it anymore! Our mothers and grandmothers went to sock hops, cake walks, school dances, and mixers to meet men. They went on blind dates or the neighborhood matchmaker set them up. They actually went through a courting process in order to find love. However, the new rules of dating have shifted the game! Instead of dating, people are: Texting, sexting or emailing Hanging out Hooking up Going out a few...
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Forty and Freaking Out: How To Find A Husband No Matter Your Age By: Aesha Adams-Roberts "Maybe it's just not meant to be." I could hear the hopelessness in her voice, even though she tried to convince me she was happy being single. My former roommate was approaching the age of 40 and she was freaking out because she hadn't found a husband. Her biological clock was ticking and since she didn't have any prospects, she figured it'd be easier to just give up on her dreams instead of holding on to hope that she'd find real love. I couldn't let her give up. She was my sister-friend, and she deserved to be happy. She was beautiful, talented, giving, and a successful career woman. I knew she would make a great wife and mom. We were hanging out in her master bedroom, with me watching her as she was cleaning out her cluttered closets. All of a sudden, I blurted out: "You gotta make room for love! Just like you're cleaning out your closets, you gotta clean out your life so the right man can come in." Then I told her I could see her holding a beautiful baby boy with big, round eyes. Later that day, we went to the mall. As soon as we stepped through the doors, we saw a sign which read, "MAKE ROOM." The building was being renovated and these signs were everywhere we looked. I knew it was a divine download. God was giving my sister-friend a lifeline of hope, but it was up to her to reach out and take it. In a few short months, my sister-friend called...
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Date Like A Boss! How To Control Your Love Life By: Aesha Adams-Roberts There's a lot about love you can't control. You love him, but you're not sure he loves you back. He used to text you every night and then, suddenly, he stops. You thought things were going great and then he disappears without so much as an email to say goodbye. You were so sure he was going to commit and then he gives you some lame excuse about not needing a piece of paper to show you he loves you. What's a modern woman to do? Some dating experts tell women to be passive, follow HIS lead, don't pressure the guy or give ultimatums. And to an extent, I agree. The old saying goes, "the one convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." You can't make anyone love you or commit to you. But there is something you can do. Date like a boss. Literally. You are the CEO of your life and that includes your love life. That means you're in charge of who gets hired, fired, promoted or demoted in the love department. Let's say you are the CEO of a company and interviewed candidates for a new position. One candidate really impresses you, so you hire him. He comes to work on time, puts in extra effort and is on track to be promoted. Then out of the blue, he starts calling in sick, arriving late to every meeting, and not finishing projects. The man who showed up at the interview is completely different than the one who is showing up...
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