5 Ways to Keep the Spark Alive In Your Marriage By: Aesha Adams-Roberts I recently read a shocking statistic about marriage in a post from the New York Times: According to research, the passion and happiness a couple feels after they say “I do” typically only lasts two years. As a happy wife who has been married for 7 years I can confidently say that it doesn’t have to be this way! Research in the science of love reveals that it’s really simple to keep the spark alive in your marriage. I’ve boiled it down to5 simple practices that can take as little as 5 minutes per day. You’re probably doing some or all of these things already, but when we do them with purpose and intention they become powerful! 5 Ways to Keep the Spark Alive In Your Marriage 1) Appreciation: Look for new things to appreciate about your husband. For example, watch him for 48 hours and then say, “I love watching you (fill in the blank with something amazing about your husband).” This will help you see him in new ways and make him feel loved and valued. 2) Spontaneity: I admit that this is a challenge for me, given the way that I love to plan everything. However, I experienced how amazing it can be to do things on the spur of the moment when my husband arranged a double date complete with a sitter in a matter of hours and whisked me away to enjoy a fun date night! 3) Novelty: Simply doing something in a new way can re-ignite the passion in...
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The Secret to Getting Your Man To Listen To You . . . Without Nagging, Complaining, or Screaming! By Aesha Adams-Roberts I recently had a conversation with a beautiful, successful, single woman who has found the man of her dreams. As we talked about what was holding her back from marrying this man, (even though he wants to marry her), one of the things she said was, “whenever I try to talk with him, I can’t find the right words. So I just scream!” This sister is not alone. The fact is many women struggle with communicating. Whether it’s knowing what to say when first meeting a man, knowing what to talk about on a date, or communicating your needs in such a way that a man can’t help but fulfill them, few women know the secrets to getting a man to listen. Knowing how to communicate with other people is a key to success in life. And without good communication skills, the happiness in a relationship will not last long. Sadly, most people weren’t groomed with the kind of skills that make communication easy and fun. As a result, we often sound like 3 year olds who nag, complain, or scream when we don’t get our way. It's no wonder many men shut down when it’s time to have a serious talk with their woman. Let’s talk about how to communicate with your man in such a way that he wants to listen to you. Most women make the mistake of bringing up an important topic at the very moment they think about it. As one sister told me on Facebook: With men, timing is...
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AeshaOnline TV Episode #5: 3 Myths About Marriage That Keep Women Single (Or Unhappily Married) From Disney movies to reality TV shows, we're bombarded with so many messages about how we are supposed to meet, date, fall in love and live happily ever after. These stories seem harmless, but can actually create dating blind spots! In today's episode, Aesha discusses & debunks 3 common myths about marriage that are based on fantasies and fairy tales. These myths seem fun but will lead you into all the wrong relationships (and if you're married, cause unnecessary conflicts!). Grab a pen & paper because after today's powerful episode, you'll see men, marriage & yourself in an entirely new way. Click here to watch NOW! ...
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This is probably the most emotional post I have written all year. In a few hours, we'll say goodbye to 2013 and embrace a fresh, new start in 2014. I want to share a few thoughts with you that will inspire you to find and keep love in 2014. But first, let me share a quick story. Two years ago, today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! From conception to delivery, nothing went as planned. I endured 6 months of horrific, non-stop nausea, dehydration, drastic weight loss, hospital stays, home health care, weekly IV's and other invasive medical procedures. It was not what I expected. My husband was so supportive and stepped up to take care of everything. By the time I was ready to deliver, I was praying for a speedy delivery so I could finally hold my baby in my arms. The birth was not what I expected. "It's not supposed to be like this!" I wailed (or maybe YELLED is more accurate). I was too far along for any pain medication. I'd have to give birth naturally, but because the doctor wasn't around, I had to endure intense labor for an additional 25 minutes before I could deliver our son! "You can do this. You are strong," the nurse assured me. I didn't believe her. All I wanted was relief. At some point, however, between contractions, I had to decide to let go of how I thought things should be & accept them for what they were. No doctor. No epidural. Just me, my husband, my mom (on the phone) and a team of nurses. Gratefully, I delivered...
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The Secret To Successful, Long-Term Relationships By: Aesha Adams-Roberts What's the secret to successful, long-term relationships? I wanted to ask the couple celebrating 50 years of marriage that question. My husband and I were celebrating our 7th year wedding anniversary and noticed the couple as they walked in the restaurant because of their matching T-shirts: "The First 50 Years Are The Hardest," the shirts read. I think the message on the shirt summed up whatever advice they would have given me. I imagine they would have told me that being "in love" isn't enough to sustain a long-term relationship. I love the goose bumps, butterflies in the stomach, fireworks, rainbows and unicorns that come with falling in love. But if you ask any couple who is honest and who has been together for a long time, that "goose bump-butterflies-fireworks-rainbows-unicorns" feeling can fade. When your kids won't sleep at night or you're exhausted from a long day at work, or your libido disappeared after pregnancy, it's not those "in love" feelings that will keep you and your spouse together. There's got to be something deeper. I like this quote from psychologist Erich Fromm's book, The Art of Loving: “Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.” The secret to lasting, long-term relationships is the decision to make a commitment to the commitment. This commitment is defined by consistency; it's...
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How To Buy The Perfect Gift For Your Spouse By Aesha Adams-Roberts Last Christmas season a sister came to me stressed out about what to get her boyfriend for Christmas. He's really into sports, she said, and he likes expensive watches, but he already has everything. She decided to get him some nice sweaters, an expensive Laker's watch, and some other sports memorabilia. When I saw her after Christmas I asked her how everything went. He hated everything, she said. I told him I'm not even going to try anymore. Has this ever happened to you? For many people, trying to figure out what to give the one you love for Christmas gifts is very stressful. But it doesn't have to be if you keep this one thing in mind: When getting a gift for your husband or boyfriend, shop with their love language in mind, not yours (this works for men getting gifts for their wife or girlfriend). Gary Chapman coined the phrase "love language" in his book, The Five Love Languages. He explains that everyone experiences love in a different way–a different language–although we're usually attracted to someone who speaks a different love language from our own. I recommend you visit Gary Chapman's site www.5lovelanguages.com to take a quick quiz on the five different languages, but for now, I'll give you a quick summary of each language and a few gift ideas for each. 1) Words of affirmation–these include loving words, unsolicited compliments, and appreciation . The man whose love language is affirmation loves to hear "I love you" and wants to know why you love him. Gift...
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How A Love Map Can Increase Intimacy In Your Relationship By: Aesha Adams Roberts My heart was pounding in my chest. I couldn't believe he agreed to meet with me again at Starbucks. It was our second date and I was excited. While we sipped on Carmel Macchiatos with extra caramel, I asked him to tell me stories about his experiences as a naval officer. He told me what it was like to travel in Japan, Thailand and the Philippines. I listened to him describe what the moon and stars looked like from a warship in the middle of the ocean. He told me stories about growing up as a preacher's kid, and what he learned from his three older sisters. Before I knew it, three hours had passed and we were still talking! It wasn't until his student walked in the door, that the man I would eventually marry realized he had missed an appointment! I fell in love with my husband and became his friend at the same time. This combination is key if you want to increase intimacy in your relationships. Dr. John Gottman, head researcher at The Gottman Institute and founder of the Love Lab, calls it creating a Love Map. The Love Map is like a GPS to your partner's inner world. It's knowing the little things about your partner’s life so that you create a strong foundation of intimacy in your relationship. The Love Map is how you get to your partner's heart! The map includes: Knowing your partner's hopes and dreams Knowing what stresses or worries them Knowing the challenges they've overcome in life Knowing what brings them joy Knowing who they are on their best days and...
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Insight Into The Male Mind: The Inside Scoop On What He's Really Thinking By: Aesha Adams Roberts Does he like me or is he just being nice? Is he keeping secrets from me? I remember being so frustrated with dating and relationships because it seemed that some of the men I liked were sending me mixed signals. One man in particular seemed to have all the qualities I was looking for: good looking, respectful, a Christian with a heart for youth and overseas missions, and a hard worker. Some days he'd act like he was into me, while other days it seemed I was invisible to him. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was all a mystery to me. I wasted a lot of time thinking something was wrong with ME, simply because I didn't understand how men think. Have you ever wondered what men really think about love? Or about women in particular? Have you wasted time trying to figure out what they want? A couple of weeks ago I surveyed the men who are a part of our Facebookcommunity. I was surprised with what they told me. (I've only used their initials to honor their privacy): Me: Brothers help us out: What 3 things do you wish women knew about men that would help us treat you better? Pastor MDR: That we don't think like you do. That we need to lead even though we know who really is in charge. And we hate to have things held against us even after we have apologized. 1, 2, and 3. I'm just saying… Fellas help me out here. JW: That the...
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The Secret To Finding And Keeping The Love Of Your Life By: Aesha Adams Roberts What is the secret to finding and keeping the love of your life? A friend of mine gave me some interesting advice that I think points us in the right direction: "When you're dating, use a magnifying class. After you get married, wear rose-colored glasses!" Her words were a real eye-opener. As I sat in my newly married friend's apartment, listening to her wisdom, I realized I had on the wrong glasses. I had just discovered a ton of emails my boyfriend had written to a bunch of other women. After crying my eyes out in my office, I asked myself, "how could I have ignored the signs?" Apparently rose-colored glasses make red flags blend in with everything else! I was focusing on the postivie things about my boyfriend: "He makes me laugh," "He's got potential." If I would have used the magnifying glass, I wouldn't have explained away the fact that he flirted with other women, he didn't want a steady job, and he wasn't sure he'd ever want to get married and have kids. These were deal-breakers for me, but my decision to only look at his potential caused me to waste a lot of time and endure a lot of pain. Before you say, "I do," you need to keep a magnifyng glass on hand. Make sure the person you're giving your heart to lines up with your values and the vision for life you want to live. After you say, "I do," trade in that magnifiying glass for some rose-colored specs to keep the honeymoon going! A study followed newlywed couples for 3 years. The couples who...
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What I Wish I Knew About Sex Before I Got Married By: Aesha Adams-Roberts "Wait until marriage . . . oh, and by the way, after you get married–TOUCH NOT! TASTE NOT! HANDLE NOT!" This was the strongest message about sexual intimacy I remember hearing as a young adult. The focus was on what I "shouldn't do" and not on what I could do. (Sounds like a lot of the teaching motivated by a religious spirit. All those rules and Dos and Don'ts totally miss the true heart and nature of God.) This isn't the only message about sex that we need to hear. We also need to hear that sex in marriage is supposed to be holy . . . and HOT! God's heart is for the marriage bed to be on fire. He created sex, after all, and it wasn't just for procreation. It was for pleasure. He gave us a sex drive and his intentions were for us to manage our sex life and not let it drive us. Can you imagine if you'd heard that God wants you to be holy & hot at one of those "Becoming a Godly Woman" conferences? I would have fallen out of my chair! Because this truth is missing from so much teaching on dating, relationships and marriage, I put together an exciting new eBook entitled, Keep Your Marriage Hot & Everything You Dreamed It Would Be Long After the Honeymoon is Over. I've finally started the production process and to celebrate, I'm hosting a LIVE 1-HR teleclass on this topic. Join me on Monday, November 18th at 8 PM EST for a FREE 1-HR teleclass where I will reveal secrets...
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