Dear Dr. Aesha, After reading a few of your articles I truly am intrigued by your advice and wisdom. I am seeking to gain understanding of my current situation. A few months back I met a man, we had good chemistry on the first date and dates to follow. He truly would show interest in me; surprise Valentine’s Day date, supporting me at functions, listening to my issues and offering advice etc.. 3 months into dating we start talking about a few of his issues like unhappiness with himself, work progress and past relationships (his personal feelings made him think I was asking for a relationship, although I never did). So he thinks it’s best we break things off. I let him know that’s fine with me… I understand…. A month and a half later I reach out to say Hi, how are you doing. He says “I was just thinking about you earlier this week.” Go figure, right. He expressed he’d like for us to catch up and go out. I can’t lie. At this point I just brush him off. After a second conversation a few weeks later I ask him if he’s back on the dating scene. He avoids the question by saying “I am ready to see you again” noting that he isn’t ready for a relationship. I express that a relationship is the ultimate goal. So am I wasting my time if I entertain him again? I feel like after a few months this man should know if he’d want to pursue a relationship with me or not. ~Anonymous **** Hey girl, Here’s the short answer. Yes. You’re wasting your time. But I...
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A Surprising Reason Why You Attract The Wrong Men By: Dr. Aesha Dear Dr. Aesha: Why do I attract the not-so-good men? I just don’t get it. –Fed Up ******************************************************************* Dear Fed Up, Let me begin with a little story. Imagine that there was a little girl who went through some trauma and abuse. She never told anyone what happened to her because she thought it was her fault. She grew up thinking she was a “bad girl” and did everything in her power to prove she wasn’t. She tried to be perfect at school and at home but she could never shake the feelings of shame and worthlessness deep inside her. Once boys finally became interested in her, she loved the attention. But when they started treating her badly, instead of walking away, she held on tighter because she was afraid of being alone. Even though she really wanted to be treated like a princess, deep down she didn’t believe she deserved it. So, each relationship began and ended the same way: with lies and heartbreak. When she learned to forgive the people who hurt her, reject the lies that she was never good enough, and receive the truth about who she truly was, she finally met the man of her dreams who did treat her like a princess. I was that little girl. I share this story with you because it explains why so many of us sabotage ourselves. In other words, we say we want something—a better career, a better relationship, a better life—but deep down we don’t believe we deserve it. We have deeply held beliefs that we...
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How Your Feelings Are Messing Up Your Relationships By: Dr. Aesha You already know this, but I’m going to say it anyway: Your ability to manage your feelings is directly affecting your relationships. You see, you usually make 1 of 3 choices when someone hurts you, disappoints you or ticks you off: React Reject Repress You’ve gotten so good at these responses that they happen instantly and you don’t even realize it! Don’t believe me? Let’s see if these ring true for you: You’re around a man you finally attractive and who is exactly what you’ve dreamt of your whole life. You start thinking, “He probably won’t even want to talk to me. Why would he be interested in me.” You don’t realize you have these thoughts, though. All you know is you feel awkward. So you overcompensate by pretending to be someone you’re not. Isntead of being playful, fun, open, you get stuck in your head. You wonder if the last thing you said was stupid. You can’t get a word out! You feel rejected when a man disappears after a date or stops calling you. You take it personally and then say things like, “All men lie! None of them are serious about relationships.” You take down your online dating profile and decide to take a break from dating. Maybe you’r already in a relationship, and your partner says something that hurts your feelings. You haven’t been taught to communicate openly and truthfully so you don’t say, “Babe, that really hurt me. I’m angry with you! Please don’t say that again.” Instead, you cut your eyes, suck your teeth, and tell...
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The #1 Reason Why You Are Pushing Him Away By: Dr. Aesha You know the feeling. At first, things are amazing! Maybe you had to be convinced to give this guy a chance. He went out of his way to woo you, calling you, texting you, pursuing you, until you finally went out with him. He wasn’t the kind of man you’d usually date, but you could see he had some great qualities, the kind of qualities you’d want in a husband. And then, it happend. He starts changing. The quirky things you do that he said he loved–snorting when you laugh, asking a bizillion questions on the phone, reaching for his hand in public, start to annoy him. You can feel him pulling away, but you’ve decided not to say anything. Maybe if you just change those things that make him mad, he’ll come back to you. So you don’t talk as much as you used to. You keep the conversation light and fun so you don’t cause any arguments, until one day, you can’t take it anymore and you freak out! “Where is this going? Do you still love me? Where do I stand with you?” He blows up at you in a way that scares you. Or maybe he completely shuts down and barely mumbles a word. What in the world has happened? Is he pulling away…or are you pushing him away? Here’s the number 1 one way to tell if you’re pushing him away. Check to see if you are afraid. Fear is the enemy of connection. It keep you from being vulnerable and without vulnerability, there...
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Should Bad Credit Be A Deal Breaker? By: Dr. Aesha “Hey girl….can I get your digits? No, I don’t mean your phone number. I mean your credit score!” Can you imagine if a man approached you like this? What would you feel? Yet, there’s a new trend called “Credit Score Dating” that’s gaining traction. Suze Orman started it when she insited on the Oprah show that women need to know a man’s FICO score before sleeping with him. “FICO Before Sex” has become an bigger anthem for some single ladies han Beyonce’s “Put a ring on it.” Since Orman’s TV appearance, there’s been a study by FreeCreditScore.com where 96% of women found a man’s financial responsibility more attractive than his looks (vs 57% of men) and a new dating website where people are matched by their credit scores! I’m a bit baffled by this trend. Can you really tell if someone is relationship-material by three little numbers? Some people I’ve chatted with–mostly women–say yes. A credit score is a reflection of a person’s character, they tell me. But I’m not so convinced. Most of us have been taught how to get into debt. We buy cars, houses, vacations and every day items using debt. All it takes is one emergency–a job loss, a recession, a divorce, or a medical bill–and your score can go in the tank. The only thing a credit score shows is that you know how to manage DEBT well. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good with saving money, building wealth or even talking about finances with a partner. There’s a better way to figure out if a man is a good...
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3 Ways The Strong Black Woman Syndrome Can Kill Your Relationship By: Dr. Aesha Can we talk? Sister to sister? No, I’m not about to tell you that the reason why you’re still single (or unhappy in your relationship) is because you’re too independent and no man wants you. (That kind of advice is played out in my opinion, and doesn’t serve you well.) I am, however, going to tell you that the Strong Black Woman Syndrome is killing you and your relationships. And I am going to tell you that it’s time to make a change. What is the Strong Black Woman Syndrome? Michelle Wallace, in her groundbreaking book, Black Macho And The Myth of The Superwoman first brought awareness to this stereotype in 1978. She shared that Black women are thought to have “Inordinate strength,” so much so that we are superwomen.The Strong Black Woman doesn’t have “the same fears, weaknesses, and insecurities as other women, and she believes herself to be and is, in fact, stronger emotionally than most men.” In other words, because we have survived so much historically, socially and personally, we’ve developed a strength that goes beyond all understanding. In many ways, this legacy of strength has helped us deal with the stresses of living and loving in this world. But there’s a huge price to “being strong,” and it’s affecting your relationships in 3 big ways: 1) Silence The SBW Syndrome can cause silence. Yes, you may know how to be sassy and read people when they need it, but when it comes to communicating how you really feel and what you really need, you haven’t been rewarded for doing that. In fact, you’ve probably been punished when you do speak up with...
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Before You Give Up On Love, Read This By: Dr. Aesha Over the past year, I’ve coached people all over the world who are ready to give up on love. They tell me things like: I got this crazy message in my inbox…I’m cancelling my subscription to online dating forever! If this relationship doesn’t work out then I’m giving up. I guess I’ll just be single for the rest of my life. I’m scared to trust again. I don’t know what a man will do to me. I’m not dating anymore. God will just have to bring my mate to me. If you’re on the verge of giving up on love, let me encourage you. I understand you may be feeling some kind of way about the opposite sex, online dating, relationships, marriage, and even yourself, but giving up isn’t the answer. You have more control over how you feel about love than you think. You just have to break the negative attitude you’ve developed about your situation. Your attitude is created by the way you interpret what happens to you. I know you’ve been through hell and back in your relationships and you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don’t want to try anymore and you can point to so many reasons why you have the right to feel the way you do. But here’s the thing. We all deal with crazy ups and downs in love. Everybody does, no matter their relationship status. You can’t control what happens to you, but you CAN control how you define what happens to you. So I challenge you...
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Secrets From The Barbershop: 9 Signs A Man Is Ready For A Relationship By: Dr. Aesha Now that I’m Team Natural, I get my hair cut at the barbershop. And sistas, you won’t believe the secrets I get to hear when I’m there! (Yes, the guys talk about relationships when you’re not around). I recently had a chance to talk with one of the guys there about what he’s looking for in a woman. In fact, any time I’m around a professional, high-quality man, I’m always asking him what he thinks about dating, relationships and marriage. This helps me better understand men so I can help the sisters I coach and mentor find love and keep it! In my barbershop conversation, the bachelor said something that I’ll never forget. HE said: “I don’t have trouble getting a girlfriend. I just can’t find the right girl to settle down with and start a family. I’m looking for someone I can invest in.” Did you pick up on that? This is a man who has his house in order. He’s got a great career, he takes care of his business, he’s clear on his values and he knows what he’s looking for! He is looking for someone to invest in. If we look at that word in the world of finance, an investment is putting time, energy, and money into something valuable, with the hope and expectation of gaining some type of benefit from it in the future. In other words, when a man is ready to settle down, he’s looking to give his time, energy and love into a woman who will...
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Dating In Your 30s, 40s and 50s: Is There A Difference? By: Dr. Aesha My “Ask Dr. Aesha” inbox has been bursting with your questions. I received these 3 questions around the same time: Question 1: I was wondering if you have any advice for the 30 + single, educated, God-fearing and no kids. I have done the suggestions that you have mentioned in your blogs. However I seem to keep getting the guys that don’t have time for me, have all these physical expectations (ex. hair type, body types, ect.), want sex (right away), won’t commit, don’t want to compromise or they are the other extreme too needy, mommas boys, ect. Any and all advise is always appreciated. Getting frustrating out here. Question 2: Dear Dr. Aesha: My biggest challenge dating in my 40’s is finding available men to date that are looking for friendship & companionship first (and not just sex)! Question 3: Dr. Aesha, What, if anything, can women over 50 do to find men that are interested in dating for commitment…Not fringe benefits I hear this every day. Thanks for all you do to encourage singles. **** Wow. Did you notice the similar themes? Whether the woman is dating in her 30s, 40s, or 50s, they all have the same struggle: finding a commitment-minded man who wants more than sex! Can you relate to these sistas? Are you hiding out at home, ready to give up on dating because you HATE the club scene (and you intuitively know that the kind of man you want isn’t hanging out there anyway)? Are you tired of investing your...
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4 Reasons Why You Get Stuck With The Wrong Man And What To Do About It By: Dr. Aesha Most of my time with my relationship coaching clients is spent helping them decide if they should stay or if they should go. They find themselves stuck with the wrong man and they dont’ know what to do. If you find yourself in the same situation, let me help you. Here are 4 reasons why you get stuck with Mr. Wrong and what you can do to find Mr. Right 1. You Overvalue Chemistry One woman told me “I believe in love at first sight.” If she doesn’t feel those fireworks, butterfiles or fire in the eyes of a man, she doesn’t give a man another chance. This is a romantic, but dangerous belief. Sometimes chemistry just means comfort. It’s just as easy to fall in love with the wrong person as it is to fall in love with the right one. Be careful! 2. You’ve Invested So Much Time Already I remember going back to the guy who told me “I don’t think I ever want to get married,” the morning after because I felt like I’d invested so much of my time, body and energy in the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it was! Once I realized that marriage to the wrong person wouldn’t be a return on an investment, it would be a huge LOSS, I let go. You can too! 3. You Lower Your Standards You decide you should be grateful for having someone, even if the realtionship isn’t what you want. So to keep...
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