There’s a really popular saying promoted by leaders who give Christian singles advice. “If bae don’t pray, bae can’t stay!” You’ll hear preachers shout it at Christian conferences and see it worn by women on cute v-neck t-shirts and the message behind this mantra is this: A man may be interested in you. He may be professional, handsome, and respectful. But if he doesn’t show you he has a relationship with God, you can’t date him! I’m a dating coach and matchmaker who works with Christian singles. I’ve also been preaching and leading worship since I was 17 years old and I’m married to an amazing man who is an ordained elder. I say this because I’m on board with teaching women how to protect themselves from men who have the wrong intentions, and for marriages where the couple is equally yoked. At the same time, I believe that sisters need love, too. So I’ve got a few problems with this “bae ain’t bae if he don’t pray,” mantra. First of all, it’s mainly directed toward women who make up 80-90% of churches, and not to men who are missing from the discussion. Secondly, most of the teachings about dating and relationships within churches are centered on what women shouldn’t do. Don’t date, wait! Don’t use online dating, it’s a sin. Don’t worry about when your husband is going to come. Just serve God! Meanwhile, no one is discussing the elephant in the sanctuary: There aren’t very many men within churches for single ladies to choose in the first place! So while pronouncing that you won’t give a man any play if he...
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Have you been hurt by a man who suddenly went cold on you after several months of dating? You thought you were in a relationship, and he did everything to show you that he was interested. But as soon as you made a request, expecting him to meet your emotional needs, he bailed without so much as a goodbye text? The ghosting dating trend is becoming more common, and it’s a very painful experience because you’re left without the closure you need to move on. The pain of rejection creates confusion in your mind as you search for reasons for why a man who seemed to be genuinely interested in you would stop answering your calls and texts. You’re left wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” I want to help you let go of the emotional pain of the past by helping you to understand why men ghost! I don’t usually repost other blogs, but this confession from a man who disappeared after 6 months of dating was just too insightful to withhold from you. I pray you get some peace and come to understand that it’s not you. It’s never about you if a man can’t honor you enough to part ways with you through a conversation. It’s always about him. Here’s his confession: “I was reluctantly in a relationship for about 6 months. I say reluctantly because throughout our relationship I always had one foot out the door. Despite that, we spoke everyday, saw each other 3-4 times a week, actually went on dates, hung out with friends, and all the other normal relationship behaviors you’d expect. When we...
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You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been hearing from a lot of sisters who are dealing with a common problem in relationships, and I was wondering if you’ve been struggling with it too. What to do when a man you’re dating says, “I’m not ready for marriage”? You may be completely confused and hurt because when you met he said he was looking forward to marriage. But when you had “The Talk,” he said he wasn’t sure. What do you do? I actually was in this similar situation when I met my husband, Roy. We were in a grey area when we began seeing each other. I couldn’t even really tell if we were dating or not. We were going out for coffee. Catching a movie. Grabbing a bite to eat. Talking on the phone. And just when I thought he was getting closer to me, he’d say, “You know I’m not really looking for anything right now. I’m focused on my career and getting closer to God.” I was confused. So I prayed! I believe in asking God questions, specifically to reveal the truth about a situation to you. I did it in past relationships, but always pushed past that still, small voice telling me what to do. This time, I was determined to lean in and listen. God told me, “Watch his fruit.” More grey areas! I wanted a clear, black or white answer (or maybe a neon light, telling me what to do!). But there was great wisdom in what I heard. A person produces fruit in his life based on the roots in his life. Put another way, his...
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Dear Dr. Aesha, I’m in a relationship and I adore him. I’ve only been with him for three months, but I can see a future with him and he says the same. But I’m not sure if he’s serious or not. I identified with being the Boss Lady, and it does make him back up. He says, “Let’s let it flow.” He wants to marry me, but he needs time to get himself together. He says I’m The One one day and the next day says he needs to see if I’m The One…so I get confused…he’s what I want…What do I do? So Confused ***** Girl, do me a favor. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I can feel the panic and anxiety just by reading your email. And as Anais Nin said, “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” What this means is when you are in a place of anxiety about your relationship, you are feeling insecure and you begin to pressure your man for signs, answers and other proof that he really wants to be with you. You’re looking for reassurance, but you’ll just push him further away. You’ll start interpreting things he does as proof that he doesn’t want to be with you “Oh no, he didn’t text me back right away. He must be seeing someone else.” “He didn’t say ‘I love you’ quick enough. Maybe he changed his mind.” “I wonder...
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Daddies Need Love Too: What Nick Cannon's Recent Health Crisis Can Teach Us About Loving Our Husbands By: Aesha Adams-Roberts Did you hear the news about Nick Cannon? He recently stepped down from his radio show on doctor's orders following his recent hospitalization due to "mild kidney failure." Two weeks later, he discovered blood clots in his lungs, an enlarged heart, and was recently diagnosed with what he calls a "lupus-like" auto-immune disease. The 31-year-old comic, TV & radio host, and movie star is also the husband of Mariah Carey and father to their 10-month old twins. I was relieved to see he had the courage to step away from his radio show. He seemed to get the message that his health was more important than a radio show because he needed to be around for his wife and kids. He even tweeted,"Even superman needs to sleep." And I was blessed to see that Mariah was by her husband's side in the hospital, silencing all the gossipers who have accused her of marrying Nick as a publicity stunt! Nick Cannon's health scare impacted me so much because he reminded me of my husband. Although my husband hasn't had any health challenges, he, like Nick Cannon, is very driven and has been blessed with what seems like superhuman abilities to get done in one day what takes the average person a month to accomplish. When I was sick during my pregnancy, I was unable to do daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our 3-year-old daughter. I watched in awe as my man picked up the slack with what seemed...
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