Dear Dr. Aesha, I’m in a relationship and I adore him. I’ve only been with him for three months, but I can see a future with him and he says the same. But I’m not sure if he’s serious or not. I identified with being the Boss Lady, and it does make him back up. He says, “Let’s let it flow.” He wants to marry me, but he needs time to get himself together. He says I’m The One one day and the next day says he needs to see if I’m The One…so I get confused…he’s what I want…What do I do? So Confused ***** Girl, do me a favor. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I can feel the panic and anxiety just by reading your email. And as Anais Nin said, “Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” What this means is when you are in a place of anxiety about your relationship, you are feeling insecure and you begin to pressure your man for signs, answers and other proof that he really wants to be with you. You’re looking for reassurance, but you’ll just push him further away. You’ll start interpreting things he does as proof that he doesn’t want to be with you “Oh no, he didn’t text me back right away. He must be seeing someone else.” “He didn’t say ‘I love you’ quick enough. Maybe he changed his mind.” “I wonder...
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Straight Outta His Mouth: 3 Little Know Commitment Fears Men Have & What To Do About It By: Dr. Aesha Men often share their deepest, darkest fears about love with me. I’ve listened to them tell me how they’ve cried themselves to sleep at night, why they go back to an ex (even after she’s hurt them), instead of choosing the woman who loves them unconditionally, and how frustrated they are that they can’t find a wife. If you’re a single sister looking for a relationship, it’s important that you understand the commitment fears many men struggle with so that you can decide: If his fear is something you can help him over come or, If you should Walk away from the relationship. Fear #1: I’m not loveable Now a man isn’t going to come right out and say this. But if he struggles with making decisions, struggles with saying I love you, has mood swings, or is insecure and needs constant validation from you, he may have a fundamental belief that he is not good enough. He’ll often reject you before you reject him! He may be the quintessential “nice guy”: quiet, giving and helpful. It’s because he’s looking for acceptance and love by doing these things for you. He feels like a “mess” and unworthy of the love you give. He’ll often go back to an ex who mistreated him before he’ll stay with a woman who will commit to him. Click here to read...
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How Do I Meet Men If I Live In A Small Town? By: Dr. Aesha Dr. Aesha– I’m 34. I live in a small town and also work in another small town close by, so it’s hard to find someone that I’m interested in and that feels the same way about me. It also doesn’t help that I go to a small church and there aren’t really any single, eligible men there that are around my age. I see guys that I’m attractive to when I go out but I just feel so discouraged I don’t really even show interest any more, not even a smile sometime. When I’m getting off of work, I am tired and don’t feel like trying to get some guy’s attention, that may or may not be interested in me. Any suggestions for what I should do?? I’ve thought about moving to a larger city to increase my odds, but I’ve only been on my current job for about 8 months now, so that’s out of the question right now. ~Anita **** Hey Anita, In dating size does matter. If you’re not meeting enough men, you’re leaving your future love up to chance instead of making powerful choices that will help you attract Mr. Right. So, Anita, let’s analyze your situation: you live in a small town, work in a small town and go to a small church. You need to widen your dating pool fast, girl! I’ve coached several women who have faced this challenge and together, we’ve been able to help them position themselves so the right men find them. Let me...
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5 Ways You’re Wasting Your Time With The Wrong Man By: Dr. Aesha A man who can’t be upfront with you about where he stands on marriage in general and a relationship with you in particular, will most likely waste your time. And the last thing a smart, successful sister needs to do is waste her time! Here are 5 warning signs you’re wasting your time with the wrong man: 1. You believe him when he says he wants commitment Maybe he told you he could see himself marrying someone just like you. Or perhaps early on in the relationship, you had serious talks about marriage and what you both wanted out of life. Then things got a little bumpy and he cooled off. You’re scared to bring up the commitment talk again because you don’t want to push him away. I mean, he already told you he wants the same things you do, right? If you do get the courage to ask him where the relationship is going he gives you a bunch of excuses: The timing is wrong My money is funny Girl, you know I love you I’m just not ready yet I need to get some things in order first Here’s the deal: His talk about commitment means very little if he’s not backing his words up with clear actions. Remember, if his words and actions don’t match, he’s not a good catch! 2. You don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t want commitment You need discernment to tell if this is a red flag or a yellow light. For example, my husband told me for the first...
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The #1 Reason Why You Are Pushing Him Away By: Dr. Aesha You know the feeling. At first, things are amazing! Maybe you had to be convinced to give this guy a chance. He went out of his way to woo you, calling you, texting you, pursuing you, until you finally went out with him. He wasn’t the kind of man you’d usually date, but you could see he had some great qualities, the kind of qualities you’d want in a husband. And then, it happend. He starts changing. The quirky things you do that he said he loved–snorting when you laugh, asking a bizillion questions on the phone, reaching for his hand in public, start to annoy him. You can feel him pulling away, but you’ve decided not to say anything. Maybe if you just change those things that make him mad, he’ll come back to you. So you don’t talk as much as you used to. You keep the conversation light and fun so you don’t cause any arguments, until one day, you can’t take it anymore and you freak out! “Where is this going? Do you still love me? Where do I stand with you?” He blows up at you in a way that scares you. Or maybe he completely shuts down and barely mumbles a word. What in the world has happened? Is he pulling away…or are you pushing him away? Here’s the number 1 one way to tell if you’re pushing him away. Check to see if you are afraid. Fear is the enemy of connection. It keep you from being vulnerable and without vulnerability, there...
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Should a Woman Ever Ask a Man Out On a Date? By: Dr. Aesha Would you ever ask a man out on a date? Before you answer that question, I think you should read these women’s stories. “I picked my husband up 18 years ago! He was the first man I ever picked up & let’s just say it worked out! Lol…one of my best moves in history to date!” ~Shauna “The evening I met my husband, we were leaving the event, we exchanged numbers, and the next day “I called him.” I knew he would be my husband the day I met him. I didn’t want to lose him. He was surprised that I called him, but he was also GLAD! DO IT!”~ Pat “I did and married him 3 years later.” ~Lisa “I love to take a man out. He sees how you like to be treated and realizes you care. Let the man take the lead after the first date.” ~Tanya So I’ll ask you again. Would you ever ask a man out on a date? If your first reaction is, “Girl, please! No. NEVER!” you’re not alone! You probably feel that men are supposed to lead. You might think that they’re turned off when a woman pursues a man. Maybe you’ve been taught that men are the hunters, and if you aren’t a challenge, they won’t take you seriously. I’d like to offer another perspective that may open you up to more opportunities to meet men, and who knows, you may even meet The One like my married friends shared in their stories. 1. There are many different...
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Dating After 40: What Do Men Want? By: Dr. Aesha Dear Dr. Aesha– “What do men in their forties want in a relationship?” ~Dating after 40 and Still Confused ********* Dear Dating After 40 and Still Confused, I’m so glad you asked me this question! Since you didn’t give me any details about yourself, I have to make a lot of assumptions here about your age and what you’re looking for in a relationship. I’ll draw from my experience coaching women in their forties who are serious about finding “The One.” The very first thing you should know is that men in their 40s who are serious about relationships tend to want something very different than women in their 40s. It’s a little shocking to women to hear this because they expect the men in their peer group to want similar things as they do. But once you are over 35, you’ve entered an experience I like to call “Grown Folks’ Dating” and the dating game has changed! Think about this: when you were in high school, you dated guys in your own peer group. I mean, dating an “older” man consisted of picking someone 3 years older but who didn’t own his own car and thought burping games were fun. We all wanted the same things then, right? In your 20s, you were probably taught to focus on school, travel, and your career goals before settling down to start a family. Most men probably weren’t told anything about when they should think about marriage and family. There’s no strong social pressure on men to settle down and their biological clock isn’t really ticking for them. ...
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4 Reasons Why He Won’t Commit By: Dr. Aesha Do you ever feel like you’re dating a wishy washy man? One day you’re in a relationship. The next day he isn’t ready to commit. One day he loves you. The next day he wants to take it slow. Why won’t he just seal the deal and commit? And what should you do when you find yourself in this situation? I want to take you into the mind of men and share how they think about commitment. Of course not all men think alike, but after interviewing men over the last 4 years, I’ve watched them open up and share their man secrets. They tell me things they’d never share with you. For example, the other day the cashier at the grocery store asked me what I did for a living. As soon as he heard I was a matchmaker, he opened up his heart right there in the 12 Items or Less Express line, and told me about his latest fight with his girlfriend. “I’ve been married twice and I’m dating someone now. She wants to get married which is understandable since she’s getting older. I’m just unsure. . . “ His commitment issues have caused them to break up several times. You can tell he loved her and he even tried couples counseling to work on their relationship. But he’s still hasn’t put a ring on it. The truth is, many men are relationship-minded and want marriage, so when they hesitate to commit, there’s a deeper reason. Here are the top 4 reasons that I’ve discovered from my interviews with men:...
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The Secret to Getting Your Man To Listen To You . . . Without Nagging, Complaining, or Screaming! By Aesha Adams-Roberts I recently had a conversation with a beautiful, successful, single woman who has found the man of her dreams. As we talked about what was holding her back from marrying this man, (even though he wants to marry her), one of the things she said was, “whenever I try to talk with him, I can’t find the right words. So I just scream!” This sister is not alone. The fact is many women struggle with communicating. Whether it’s knowing what to say when first meeting a man, knowing what to talk about on a date, or communicating your needs in such a way that a man can’t help but fulfill them, few women know the secrets to getting a man to listen. Knowing how to communicate with other people is a key to success in life. And without good communication skills, the happiness in a relationship will not last long. Sadly, most people weren’t groomed with the kind of skills that make communication easy and fun. As a result, we often sound like 3 year olds who nag, complain, or scream when we don’t get our way. It's no wonder many men shut down when it’s time to have a serious talk with their woman. Let’s talk about how to communicate with your man in such a way that he wants to listen to you. Most women make the mistake of bringing up an important topic at the very moment they think about it. As one sister told me on Facebook: With men, timing is...
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First Date Dealbreakers That Drive Men Away And How To Avoid Them By: Aesha Adams-Roberts I almost blew it with my dream man! We were going to lunch at Panera Bread and I was making small talk as we drove from campus to the restaurant. Although I was teaching at a university in the Midwest at the time, I had an interview for a position at a university in the South that was coming up and I mentioned it as we chatted. Before I met him, I was trying everything in my power to land my dream job in the South. But now things had changed. Even though we weren’t officially dating, I knew that he was the kind of man I had been looking for. I knew that I wasn’t going to take the job but I didn’t tell him that. When I brought up the interview he said, “So this job is just temporary? You’re not really planning on staying here, huh?” There must have been something in his voice that made me realize that how I’d respond to his question could either make or break my chances with him. I could tell that he was trying to find out whether or not it was worth it to pursue a relationship with me. In other words, if I was serious about moving and he had no desire for a long distance relationship, I might have become less desirable for him. Why even take time getting to know me if things wouldn’t work out anyway? I thought about my answer to his question very carefully. “Well, I used to really want...
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