Hello Dr.Aesha! I’ve recently (about 6 months ago) decided that I don’t want to date anymore. I am completely in love with love and am genuinely happy for those who have it. I personally don’t want to try anymore. I am beyond tired of failing in relationships and I don’t have the energy to repeat them. Those relationships ended with me always asking myself “What’s wrong with me & why wasn’t I enough”! The last one not only hurt my heart but crushed my soul because I felt dumb for actually believing him when he said he loved and wanted to marry me (he married a woman he knew for less than one year). The thought of “possibly” having my heart hurt again is terrifying & has numbed me. Is this normal behavior and is it possible that my feelings may change in the future? Thank you!
Girl, let me first say I”m so sorry you’ve experienced such pain in love and relationships. You asked me if it’s normal to feel this way. No, having someone mistreat you should not be your normal. But unformatunaly, heartbreak and betray in relationships is something almost everyone experiences at one point or another. The problem isn’t that we get hurt. It’s what we do with the hurt that matters.
I perceive that you’re stuck in the hurt-hide-hopeless pattern, which I’ve witnessed many women get in when they swear off love and dating. First you experience soul-crushing pain from someone you opened your heart to. The wound runs deep because you’ve already been through hell and back in relationships and it took a lot for you to open up and trust someone again. As soon as you let down your walls, he hurt you!
Now, you’ve associated love with pain. We run from things that hurt us, so now you avoid relationships. You hide yourself by staying busy, getting involved with church, working longer hours, going back to school, or devoting yourself to you family. You don’t go out, and you might even start making yourself unattractive by hiding behind baggy clothes, extra weight or an appearance that says, “don’t talk to me!”
The longer you hide, the more hopeless you feel about ever having love. So you lie to yourself about not wanting it. It’s kind of like the kid who says she hates roller coasters anyway after her mom tells her she can’t go to 6-Flags. We all know she’s just saying that because she’s disappointed she can’t hang out with her friends, so she devalues what she desires. But that doesn’t make it go away. Pretending you don’t need love isn’t the answer. Neither is hiding from men. Because deciding you’re done with dating can be dangerous. Why?
Eventually, that God-given desire to love and be love will grow. You’ll venture out and try dating again, maybe because you’ve hit another milestone age, or you just get tired of sleeping alone at night. Since you’ve been acting like a hermit, your relationship skills are rusty. You don’t know how to choose the right man, and you’ll end up repeating your history, because you didn’t learn the lessons the first time. There’s a 99% chance that you’ll get hurt again, and this time you’ll plunge deeper into hopelessness.
There’s a better way.
I want to invite you to embrace this truth: Love didn’t hurt you.
A man who lied to you, hurt you. He didn’t love you enough to respect you. He didn’t love you enough to tell you the truth. And that hurts.
There’s nothing wrong with you, sis. But there is something wrong with the way you choose partners. The good news is that can be fixed. You can learn a new way to date. And you can love again.
I want to show you how to stop choosing the wrong men and to start attracting a man of integrity, who is ready for a relationship and who will love you exactly for who you are right now.
Join me for a FREE LIVE training on Monday, August 8, 2016 at 9 PM EST. There are limited seats so you’ll want to register before they’re all gone. Click here to get a seat
See you there!