The Power of Clarity When Choosing A Mate
By: Dr. Aesha
You like him. He likes you. Before you know it, you’re head over heels in love. But how can you be sure this person is The One?
Most people make the mistake of choosing a mate based on chemistry alone. This is not a good way to choose the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with.
You need clarity. But how do you get it? Let me share with you 3 keys that will help you.
Key #1: Get clear on who you are
Sometimes we let other people, life’s circumstances and our past define who we are.
For example, many of my clients have told me that they were raised to “be a lady” and to never chase a man. Others were taught they didn’t need a mate and that it was better to stay single rather than settle in a relationship. These teachings sound good, but in reality, they can keep you from the love you deserve!
You need to exercise the power to define (and sometimes, redefine) yourself.
This was a key step for me when I met my husband. At the time I was in graduate school, finishing up my studies for my PhD. In the past, it seemed like whenever a man discovered I was going to be a college professor, they just disappeared!
However, with my husband, I didn’t hide this part of my life. He knew it the very first day we met. I was able to be real with him and it helped us make a strong connection.
If you don’t have clarity about who you are, it will be hard for you to be authentic and vulnerable in a relationship. You’ll be afraid to let the real you be seen and loved. So get clear on who you are and it will be easier to know if the person you’re dating is a good match for you.
Key #2: Get clear on what you need
Let me ask you a quick question: Do you have a checklist of all the things you want in a mate? Let me guess what’s on it:
• Great job
• Loves God
Did I get close? There are 3 problems when your list looks like this:
1) Most people’s lists aren’t original. Almost everyone says they want a man who is tall, financially stable, has a good sense of humor and loves God. There are millions of men who have these traits, right?
2) What happened to the inner traits that define the character of a man and ensure the success of a relationship? Have these things made your list?
3) You haven’t focused on what you need to thrive in a relationship
According to Tony Robbins, there are 6 fundamental needs that we all have in common and everything we do–including dating or not dating–is an attempt to meet those needs.
Take a look at this list and see which needs resonate with you:
1. Certainty—This is the need to feel safe, to avoid pain and gain pleasure
2. Uncertainty/Variety—The need for change and spontaneity
3. Significance—Feeling needed, important, special
4. Connection/Love—Feeling close to someone or something
5. Growth—The need to keep learning, expanding and building
6. Contribution—The need to give and serve something bigger than yourself
The point is to find healthy ways to meet these needs. For example, we can sometimes choose an unhealthy partner because the drama they cause brings variety into our lives. We’ll even create relationship problems because talking about them to other people makes us feel significant!
I’ve also seen some women overlook a great man because he felt boring to them. They were so used to uncertainty that the stability this man brought didn’t seem exciting enough!
Key #3: Get clear on what you want your life to look like
I like to tell people to get a vision of what you want your life to look like. Then think about how a relationship can help support that. Your relationship is going to last a lifetime, so it makes sense, doesn’t it, to know whether this person can help you create the life you want?
Write your vision in a journal and then focus on the steps that help you get there! That way you’re choosing a relationship on purpose, not by chance.
Sisters, off-the-charts-chemistry or a checklist isn’t going to help you choose the right mate. Tap into the power of clarity and you’ll have the keys to attract and keep a lasting relationship.