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Confused Black Woman

The Real Reason You're Single

By: Dr. Aesha

We've gotta talk about the real reason you're single. 

You see, I believe there's someone out there who will love you as much as you will love him. Do you believe that? 

Before you answer, let me give you some things to think about. 

It's possible for you to have an amazing relationship no matter your age, size or relationship history. I've seen it happen over and over again. So if you're struggling or frustrated, let me help you: It's not that hard to find or keep love. You just need a shift in mindset. 

Here are some little mindset tweaks you need to make if you want to find love:

1) Be an optimistic realist. 

Most people are creating hurdles for themselves by stacking their "must-have" ideal partner list with criteria that worked for them when they were in their 20s. If you're 35, 40 or beyond, the reality is you should be looking for the kind of person who is looking for you. 

I hear women tell me they don't want to date someone who's divorced. . .Or who is a single parent. . .Or who is short. . .Or who wants kids. The reality is many of the men your age have already been married or have kids or they WANT kids. 

I get it. You want what you want. You don't want to settle. 

However, when your criteria is getting in the way of finding love, I suggest you choose your top 3 must-haves and at least be open to meeting someone who doesn't fit the rest. 

2. Broaden your dating pool

Let me share a tip I learned in business. You can't rely on just one channel to market your business. What if, for instance, Facebook changes their rules? If you ONLY market there, your business can disappear overnight! 

I see many singles making similar mistakes by ONLY dating online. Or only meeting people who attend their church. Or not getting out of the house at all. One woman I met said she only meets men who walk down the street in front of her house! 

You'll start to feel like something is wrong with you if the only people showing up in your online dating inbox are people you are not attracted to. You need a multi-faceted approach to finding love! 

3. Create opportunities to meet people

Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen! Practice flirting techniques. Get rid of props that scream DON’T Talk to me (like your smartphone or handbag or crossed arms). Go out of your want to say hello. 

4. Let go

Why hold on to a relationship when you know it's not good for you?  Every second you waste with the wrong person is a second you're not spending with the right one. Take from me. I've walked away from a broken engagement and other toxic relationships. You'll be ok!  

5. Question everything

Fear comes masked in excuses and pickiness. You'll also find it at the root of some deeply held beliefs you have about dating, the opposite sex, relationships and marriage. 

Question every belief you have, like:

“I don’t date divorced men because the Bible says . . .”

“I’m divorced and my pastor says I’d be committing adultery if I remarried . . .”

“Marriage is just a piece of paper. . .”

“The divorce rate is high so I don't want to rush into things . . .”

"God is protective of me and doesn't want me doing online dating . . ."

Could the real reason you're single be that you’re afraid of what people may think if you married a divorced person? Or that your last marriage ended in a horrible divorce and you’re afraid it will happen again? The divorce rate isn't anywhere near 50% (read this if you don't believe me). Might it be you're using that statistic as an excuse not to believe in love? 

This is your love life we’re talking about! I'm sharing some tough love today because I don't want you to miss out. 

It's time to get out of your own way. The love of your life is waiting for you.