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The Two Most Important Skills You Need To Be Happy In Relationships

By: Dr. Aesha

She instantly came out of her downward spiral of panic when I told my 30-something, never-been-married coaching client this: “There’s nothing wrong with you. You just lack some important dating and relationship skills. If you can learn how to drive, then you could learn these skills!”  

I don’t think anyone had ever told her this powerful information before. “What skills,” she asked, thoughtfully. “And how do I get them?” 

Before I share the two most important skills you need to be happy in relationships, let me say that I learned them the hard way.

Like most singles I work with in my matchmaking agency, I was programmed to think that love and relationships should come naturally.  I thought love would just find me. And I thought that once I fell in love and started a new relationship that things would naturally unfold and we’d end up married.

A broken engagement and a drama-filled relationship with a player showed me that I didn’t really know what I was doing. 

The problem is we rely on chemistry to guide our choices. And once chemistry fizzles out (or if wasn’t there in the first place), you look for someone to blame.

Most people internalize their dating and relationship failures. For example, I bumped into a man the other day who shared his online dating frustrations with me.

“I sent this lady a Happy Birthday email and she didn’t respond to me,” he huffed. “I don’t understand why people could be so rude. At least she could have said she wasn’t interested.”  

Little did he know that he just lacked the right email strategy to help him stand out from the 100 other emails she probably got on her birthday, get this woman’s attention and compel her to write back. 

Maybe you’re like other people who email me with subject lines marked “URGENT.” I can feel the panic in their emails as they ask me questions like, “I met this guy but he (has kids …or doesn’t have a job… or is finalizing his divorce… or doesn’t want to get married). I really like him. Do you think I should keep seeing him?” 

If these singles could master these two skills for relationships, they wouldn’t need to ask me to help them make this choice.  

1) Selection 

2) Connection

Let me break it down for you.

The skill of selection is all about choosing the right person. And to do that, you need to know how relationships work and be willing to give the dating process time to work. Focus on the things that matter most: commitment, unconditional love, honor, respect. Everything else is icing on the cake! 

The skill of connection is all about understanding how to make relationships last. To have a blissful, passionate relationship that stands the test of time and persists past the highs and lows of life, you must master this skill. 

Imagine what your life would look like if you knew how to choose the right person and make it last? It’s possible when you master the skills of selection and connection! 

Tell me, which skill do you think you need the most?