Too Busy To Date? Here's Your Customized Dating Plan
By: Aesha Adams-Roberts
Alexis* and Shannon* are two accomplished women over 35. (*Names have been changed).
They're both driven, ambitious, beautiful, and talented. These smart, successful sistas are at the top of their game in their respective careers and they're ready to settle down and start a family.
They're also both too busy to date.
The difference between them is this: Shannon hired a matchmaker so that all she had to do was show up on her dates; she knows that she needs to invest time to find the right person & start a relationship with him, so she's making doing what it takes to make it work.
Alexis on the other hand, told me the custom online dating plan I desgined for her was, "too much work. I'm too busy with my job and volunteering and church and working out and having a life, and . . . "
As a dating coach, a reply like this is a big red flag. One one hand you tell me you really want to be married and have kids. And it all has to happen NOW because you're over 35 and your biological clock is ticking.On the other hand, you're too busy to date so you can find your ideal partner.
What's really holding you back? Why are you sabotagoing yourself? Do you really want to be in a relationship? What do you want?
There are many reasons why Alexis could be standing in her own way. Here are some of the mindsets that I tend to see among smart, successful women who are too busy to date:
- You can't have it all! Something will have to be sacrificed. You can't climb the corporate ladder & have a fulfilling relationship. You can't have kids who don't hate you & pursue your career goals at the same time.
- Once I reach my career goals, I can focus on the rest of my life.
- Working at your love life is a sign you're desparate or needy. I'm fabulous & a great catch–love will find me (or God will send him to me)!
- Being a workaholic gets me instant rewards like promotions, raises, and other honors to put on a resume.
- You should be able to do it all and do it perfectly, without help.
- If you're stressed or overhwlemed it's because you need more balance (not more help!).
- Hiding behind my work will keep me from facing the fact that I keep choosing the wrong people. I'm scared I'll do it again.
Good news! You don't have to accept these messages about women, work, success and love. You have more options about how to create a successful life than you think.
Remember, you may not always have control, but you do have choices.
For example, Alexis may not have control over the hours she has to work. Besides, her career is important to her, and she shouldn't have to give it up just to find someone to spend the rest of her life with.
However, she does have control over how she spends the rest of her time. She could choose which of her volunteer activies should be put on the backburner for now, and then spend 30 minutes per day connecting with people on an online dating site.
Ultimately, Alexis has control over how she defines being "successful." She can ask herself why success doesn't include being happy in a relationship.
Here's a New Year's challenge: Make a commitment to YOURSELF that you will create a fulfilling life. If your vision of that kind of life includes experiencing it with your ideal partner, then stop using the "I'm too busy excuse" and go after it!
I'm here to support you every step of the way.
Can you empathize with Alexis' situation? Please share with me your greatest challenge below!