You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been hearing from a lot of sisters who are dealing with a common problem in relationships, and I was wondering if you’ve been struggling with it too. What to do when a man you’re dating says, “I’m not ready for marriage”? You may be completely confused and hurt because when you met he said he was looking forward to marriage. But when you had “The Talk,” he said he wasn’t sure. What do you do?
I actually was in this similar situation when I met my husband, Roy. We were in a grey area when we began seeing each other. I couldn’t even really tell if we were dating or not. We were going out for coffee. Catching a movie. Grabbing a bite to eat. Talking on the phone. And just when I thought he was getting closer to me, he’d say, “You know I’m not really looking for anything right now. I’m focused on my career and getting closer to God.”
I was confused. So I prayed! I believe in asking God questions, specifically to reveal the truth about a situation to you. I did it in past relationships, but always pushed past that still, small voice telling me what to do. This time, I was determined to lean in and listen. God told me, “Watch his fruit.”
More grey areas! I wanted a clear, black or white answer (or maybe a neon light, telling me what to do!). But there was great wisdom in what I heard. A person produces fruit in his life based on the roots in his life. Put another way, his fruit is his character. By character, I’m not talking about a man’s morality or integrity. Instead, I like the way Dr. Townsend defines character as “that set of abilities we need to meet the demands of reality.” In other words, go beyond whether or not he’s a good guy and ask:
Is this man fit for the institution of marriage?
Is he kind, considerate, consistent?
Open and available?
Able to support you emotionally, partner with you financially, assist you spiritually?
Fine with the status quo of the relationship or desires something more (like marriage and family)?
To answer these questions, I paid attention to Roy’s efforts. I observed how he responded to and respected my boundaries (cuz I didn’t pretend that we were in a relationship! We weren’t!). I communicated with him that I wanted marriage instead of pretending this situation was alright with me. And I was prepared to walk away if he never came around, instead of putting my life on hold.
Owning your worth, communicating unapologetically for your desire for marriage, and refusing to settle for less is the way to handle it when your man says he’s not sure about relationships. Your confidence that you WILL meet & marry the man of your dreams will inspire him to step up or step out.
It may be painful to have to walk away from someone you love but ask yourself this: What will life look like in 5 years if I stay with him? Is it worth it for me to invest another moment with him if he can’t or won’t give me the commitment I desire and deserve?
I know it’s scary to face your fears of being alone, but it’s the only way to get the love you want. That’s what my client Marina discovered. We worked together for 12 weeks and in the course of that time she met a great guy and began dating him! Things were looking great , they were talking about a future, and he told her he was serious about settling down. When I recently checked in with Marina, I learned she broke up with him!
He started pulling away, ignoring her texts and calls and sending her mixed signals. They’d planned a lunch date and when she texted him 30 minutes prior to the lunch, he didn’t respond.
Marina had the courage to walk away instead of desperately trying to get her boyfriend to commit or explain his feelings. And now, she’s in a new relationship with a man she initially blew off because she thought he was “stuffy.” They’ve been inseparable since their second date!
She told me, “Honestly, if it hadn’t been for the work we’ve done this year, I’m not sure I’d be in this position. Thank you!”
Marina’s ability to confidently move on from a relationship where she was receiving crumbs is the value of coaching with me. I don’t just help you attract a man. I teach you how to show up as a woman who is wife material, to choose the right man, to discover if he’s the right one, and to develop the confidence to believe that you deserve a commitment and the communication skills to get it.
I have openings in my schedule for 2 new private one-one-one coaching clients. To see if you qualify and to talk to me about what your greatest needs are, I invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation with me here. (This is for the serious, not the curious!) You’re a smart, successful sister. It’s time for you to know what it feels like to be safe and secure in a relationship. There’s a man out there who’s waiting to show you! Let me help you meet him