I got this question in my Ask Dr. Aesha inbox (and girl, not even Iyanla could “fix” this!)
“Hi Dr. Aesha,
After struggling for some years with finding good men to date, I finally ended up finding TWO great men at almost the same time through online dating. Ive been dating them both for about 6 weeks but I’m starting to feel uncertainty about how to proceed. Although both of them are educated, kind, and emotionally and financially secure men, I feel like I have a much stronger connection to one of them (Let’s call him Adam). We just “click” a little better. The other (let’s call him Brian) is also a really nice guy and treats me well but the connection is not as “familiar” as it is with Adam. How does one navigate “choosing” to move forward with one over the other?—especially when it seems like they both want to move forward with you!?
I would love to get some advice on this!”
I’m happy to hear you followed my advice to open up and meet a variety of men. But now you have a bigger problem: You have two suitors who are amazing, kind, and equally interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you. You have off the charts chemistry with Adam, but you’re worried that means he’s familiar to you (and you’ve dated the wrong men in the past). Should you choose Brian, even though there’s not much of a spark yet?
Having too many men to choose from is a good problem to have. It’s the natural result of shifting from a scarcity mindset (“there are no good men out here!”) to an abundance perspective (“I can attract any man I want”).
But how do you choose between two men if they’re equally awesome (and you like them both)? I want to share 5 questions to ask yourself before you make a final decision.
1. Have I seen both men in their natural environment?
You can fall in love with a person when they’re courting you, taking you on fun, romantic dates, and sending you “good morning beautiful” texts every day. But you’ll see what’s really inside him when he’s on his home turf. So make one of your dates a “regular” hang out day. Go grocery shopping, run errands, and meet his friends. Do you notice any behaviors you just don’t like about him? Mark those down as red flags
2. Do I feel more connected to one of them?
Connection is more than chemistry. Creating a connection requires that both of you are open and easy to get to know. If you feel more of a connection with one man it could be a sign he’s willing to be more vulnerable with you.
3. Am I more of my authentic, best self with one gentleman over the other?
Do you feel like you have to send your representative to a date with one man, but you easily let down your guards with another? Pay attention to that because it’s a sign that one man is able to make you feel safe to be yourself when you’re with him.